Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me??"

2007-11-20 18:36:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.

"Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river.

"Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence ...to cross this river."

And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

2007-11-20 18:31:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

IF you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding

If you visit her often,she thinks it is boring
If you don’t , she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t , you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way

If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “Oh it’s natural, we are girls”

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they a just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short :
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful……….WOMEN !……..

2007-11-20 18:27:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.
If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies.
Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip:
If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

2007-11-20 18:22:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog walks into the Job Centre and asks the man at the counter if they have any vacancies. The man is stunned. ‘You’re a talking dog!’ he cries. ‘What a wonderful talent you have. I’m sure we can find work for you no problem.’ At this the dog becomes agitated. ‘Look,’ he says. ‘Don’t mess me about. Have you got any jobs or not?’ ‘Okay,’ says the man. ‘Just sit tight. I’ll make a call and I’ll have you working in no time.’ With that the man phones Billy Smart’s Circus. ‘I’ve got a talking dog here,’ the man says to Billy. ‘Can I send him down to you?’ Billy is ecstatic. ‘All my life I’ve been looking for a talking dog,’ he says. ‘You get him down here tomorrow morning and he can name his wage.’ The dog’s still wary. ‘What will I be doing for Mr Smart?’ he asks. The man is puzzled. ‘I imagine you’ll be the Talking Dog in the circus,’ he says. ‘Oh, that’s no good to me, mate,’ the dog says. ‘I’m a plumber.

2007-11-20 17:32:58 · 11 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

If you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn?

2007-11-20 16:20:28 · 4 answers · asked by Bobby Jim 7

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.


She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.


He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.


As they walked through the ape exhibit,


they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.


Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.


He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.


He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.


He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her


straps fall to show a little more skin.


She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.


"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.


Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.


"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

2007-11-20 15:31:17 · 30 answers · asked by PC 7

there was a young man named molder
who attempted to throw a small boulder
he tripped on a rock
and grabbed his own c0ck
and threw himself over his shoulder

2007-11-20 15:15:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a young man from belair
who was doing his girl on the stair
when the banister broke
he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in mid air

2007-11-20 14:58:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

2007-11-20 14:57:35 · 13 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

there was a young girl from cape cod
who thought babies came only from God
T'wasn't the almighty
who lifted her nighty
T'was rodger the lodger by God

2007-11-20 14:51:48 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you like it...star in it...here goes....

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup!

2007-11-20 14:49:04 · 15 answers · asked by DJ 5

Here's a joke I found in a group that is so funny:
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

2007-11-20 14:35:43 · 24 answers · asked by bluegirl87 3

Pls star if you like it. Yeah, its a long one. Thx.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

2007-11-20 14:30:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

and they stumble upon some tracks.

The first blond says to the second one ... "Hey look, those are DEER tracks!'

The second one says ... "You are so wrong! Those aren't deer tracks ... they're BEAR tracks."

So the first one responds ... "You are nuts!! They are DEER tracks ... for sure!"

And they were still arguing when the train hit 'em ...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

tee hee hee!

Side note: No offense intended as I am obviously a blond. We gotta be able to laugh at life ... even ourselves ... cause we'd go crazy after awhile if we didn't!

Peace!

2007-11-20 14:29:26 · 16 answers · asked by ? 7

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..

Pls star if worthy...thx.

2007-11-20 14:26:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there, are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? ..........Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replied the greeter, " I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Starworthy???

2007-11-20 14:20:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if worthy... Thanx.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
With her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her
That he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
However, on the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
The whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed please find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied

2 - there was plenty of heat, and

3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:

Dear Sir: First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size. But if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in
full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

2007-11-20 14:14:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat!

2007-11-20 14:12:54 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

2007-11-20 14:00:09 · 32 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Oldie but goodie....Starworthy???

I was in Wal-Mart yesterday buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for
our new Yellow Labrador and was in line to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital. I said no....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt
and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

2007-11-20 13:59:09 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mom,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mommy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
Mom replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mommy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
Mom replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
Mom replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

2007-11-20 13:58:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

2007-11-20 13:52:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

2007-11-20 13:43:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

2007-11-20 13:41:06 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and points it at him. The man says, thank you and leaves.
Why?

2007-11-20 13:33:40 · 10 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?

2007-11-20 13:21:04 · 9 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

2007-11-20 13:20:39 · 6 answers · asked by Clint B 1

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favor mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

2007-11-20 13:16:24 · 8 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

2007-11-20 13:05:03 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous