Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

2007-11-20 09:37:11 · 21 answers · asked by free the weed 3

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

2007-11-20 09:28:13 · 12 answers · asked by free the weed 3

It enters a shallow dive - the pilot announces they will have to ditch in the water - and everyone should take up crash positions. A beautiful young woman at the front leaps up - tears all her clothes off, and shouts: "I don't want to die a virgin - will any man here make me feel like a real woman?"
A guy at the back jumps up - tears off his trousers - ........ Throws them at the woman and says: "Here - iron these"


wait for it ... wait for it.... INCOMING!

2007-11-20 09:26:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

who love the song bleeding love?!!?
lyris:
Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
[Bleeding Love lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

2007-11-20 09:20:53 · 14 answers · asked by Vicky 1

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my *****, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ***, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ***,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile”
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false ****,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn’t even mention.
A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny ********* stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his *** and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home, Rudolph. This night’s been a *****!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about ***** is you can’t wear it out!!”

2007-11-20 09:08:28 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ 2

Guys can you find anything unsual about this image:
http://img249.imageshack.us/img249/8196/delpreteroseyk7.jpg
You may not notice anything unusual at first sight except if you are very observant. The same thing like the second image of a tiger. If you look closely at the tiger image you will see a woman. Can you find her?

http://img86.imageshack.us/img86/3261/tigerfacethumbnailaq0.jpg

The second one could be hard If you are not very observant...

2007-11-20 09:04:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

She was a little bit naughty.


FOLK SING UNDER BRIAN MANNS ROOMS

2007-11-20 08:54:12 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

That whenever you post a joke, a few people just have to say: "I've heard it before" in that whiney, snivelling way that you can imagine them talking. What! You mean it wasn't 100% original - i.e. I didn't just invent the thing (Shock, Horror). Get a life morons - its a joke - jokes get passed around. Do you trawl the humour section looking for jokes you've already heard - just so you can Whine again?

Sigh - I feel better now.

2007-11-20 08:53:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

dirty or clean

2007-11-20 08:52:22 · 5 answers · asked by kazcat3 2

I heard on the radio this morning that Heather Mills was reported to suggest drinking the milk of Dogs, Cats and Rats. The XFM crew discussed how you would milk a rat - cos of its size. Someone texted in 'well shes already milking a beatle'

Sorry guys but this made me laugh, so i thought id share... ;0)

2007-11-20 08:51:56 · 13 answers · asked by Jessbess 3

3 men were stuck on an island. They wished there was some way to get off the island. A genie appered. He told each man to pick a certain fruit and pick ten of it.
The first man came back with 10 apples. The genie told him to stick it up his butt without making any facial expression. If he did he would be killed.
On the 3rd apple the man winced. S the genie killed him.
The second man came back with 10 grapes. So there geneie told him to stick them up his butt one at a time without making a facial expression. The man was on his 9th grape and all of the sudden laughed. So the genie killed him.
In heaven the first man asks the second man, " Why did you do that? You could've gotten off the island and gone home to your family again!"
the secon man relies" because i saw the third guy coming back with 10 pinapples."

2007-11-20 08:26:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

A blonde walks into an automotive store. She says to the clerk, I need some 710. He doesn't know what she means so he says point to it on this chart. She points to it. He says that is called OIL. she saw it upside down.

Not trying to be mean to blondes. I just think the jokes are funny.

2007-11-20 08:05:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is out driving in her new car when she cuts in front of a wagon.
He motions for her to pull over.

He takes a piece of chalk out of the wagon and draws a circle on the road. ''Stand in that circle and don't move'' he said.

He then cuts up her leather seats. When he turns round she has a grin on her face.
Annoyed, he takes a baseball bat and smashes all the windows on her car. He turns around to find her smiling.

Getting rather Peed off, he then slashes all her tyres.
Looking around again, he now finds her laughing.

Now he's angry. He takes a can of petrol and pours it over the car and sets it on fire.
Now, she's laughing so hard she's almost falling over.

''Why are you laughing?'' he asked.

''Well, every time you turned around, I stepped out of the cicle.''

2007-11-20 08:02:00 · 8 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

God appears to man and say's if you want to go to "heaven you will have to give up Cigarettes, drink, and sex.A week later god re-appears and asks him how's it going. The man says the cigarettes and drink is easy but when my wife bent over to take the meat out of the freezer, I had to give her one right there and then.
God says they dont like that sort of thing in heaven, the man says they didn't like it in the supermarket either

2007-11-20 07:58:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jane and Shirley are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts
it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Shirley says, "What is that?"
Jane, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet".
Shirley asks, "Where did you get it?"
Jane replies, "You can get them at any chemist".
The next day, Shirley hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.
Shirley replies,"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel".

2007-11-20 07:50:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

man goes to the docs, butt naked , wrapped in nothing but cling film.... the doctor says " i can clearly see your nuts

2007-11-20 07:37:55 · 16 answers · asked by confused.com 2

There are two guys sitting at a bar looking gloomy.

The bar man goes up to the first man and asks whats up with him. The man replies I've just broke up with my wife. She was beautiful , had lovely blonde hair, shinning blue eyes great chest, she was a stunner. The bar man brings him his beer and says this ones on the house.
The bar man goes up to the second man and asks whats up with him,
The man replies forget it, lets go after his wife

2007-11-20 07:36:36 · 18 answers · asked by wee suzie 4

Well, here is one if you are in the mood for it. Just tell me whether you like it or not and how much it made you laugh...and also how much you enjoyed it. By the way, Im just telling jokes because I want to get people in a good mood for those who aren't. Also, because I like to know that a person is happy. Well, here is the joke:


This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

2007-11-20 07:36:32 · 8 answers · asked by layanne1 4

A local sheriff was interviewing for a new deputy.

A blonde walks in and he asks her ''what is 1 and 1?''
She replies 11.
He thinks, well In a way she's right.

He asks'' What two days start with a T?''
''Today and tomorrow'' she replies.
Again he's impressed she came up with an answer he hadn't considered.

''Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'' He tried.
After thinking for quite some time, '' I don't know'' she replied.

Sheriff ''Well why don't you go home and work on it for a while.''

She left and went to the beauty parlor where her friends were waiting to find out how she got on.
'' Well how did you do?''
The blonde is ecstatic, '' I must have impressed. First day on the job and I'm working on a murder case.''

2007-11-20 07:35:45 · 8 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

2007-11-20 07:33:40 · 7 answers · asked by Freakin 6

During the big football game between Temple and Penn State, one of the coaches happened to look into the stands and sees an empty seat. During halftime, he runs up the stadium steps and asks if anyone knows who owns the seat. An elderly white-haired woman says, "Mr. Coach, this seat belongs to my husband for more than 20 years and unfortunately, he passed on." The coach most sympathetic replies, "Couldn't you give the seat to a nephew or grandson?" She states, "I tried to, but everyone wanted to go to the funeral."

2007-11-20 07:04:44 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch

2007-11-20 06:57:01 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

I was at the checkout of a Kmart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.

I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

===================

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one
Of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!

===================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking hi m up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

===================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week" He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

===================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

===================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multi p lied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

===================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went To the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

===================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!

===================
They walk among us, AND they reproduce, and, worst of all,

They VOTE

2007-11-20 06:32:58 · 12 answers · asked by aabigaa2 5

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from blonds, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.
Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.

2007-11-20 06:29:53 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

What '2' coins make '30 cents', and one of them is not a nickel?

2007-11-20 06:08:22 · 7 answers · asked by cry_wolf 4

at the end of every morcombe and wise show the one with glasses always tried to get the same joke out,and the small bloke always stopped him from finishing it as back then it was considered rude.it went, "there were these two old men sat in deckchairs,one said its nice. right who can finish it.(tes i can but can you?

2007-11-20 05:46:32 · 7 answers · asked by fozz 4

at the end of every morcombe and wise show the one with glasses always tried to get the same joke out,and the small bloke always stopped him from finishing it as back then it was considered rude.it went, "there were these two old men sat in deckchairs,one said its nice. right who can finish it.(tes i can but can you?

2007-11-20 05:45:44 · 2 answers · asked by fozz 4

at the end of every morcombe and wise show the one with glasses always tried to get the same joke out,and the small bloke always stopped him from finishing it as back then it was considered rude.it went, "there were these two old men sat in deckchairs,one said its nice. right who can finish it.(tes i can but can you?

2007-11-20 05:44:24 · 1 answers · asked by fozz 4

a bloke went to the Doctors and he had a steering wheel down his trousers the Doctor said why have you got a steering wheel down your trousers? he said i dont know but it is driving me nuts

2007-11-20 05:21:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Such as: Fish cannot use a remote control even if placed in their tank

2007-11-20 04:22:56 · 4 answers · asked by girly GuRl 2