Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

2007-11-20 12:49:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

Starworthy???

2007-11-20 12:47:49 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 60-year-old couple are celebrating their 40th wedding annivesary.During the celebrations a fairy appears and
says that,since they have been such a loving couple,she'll give them each 1 wish.The wife wishes to travel the world.The fairy waves her wand and poof!She has a handful of tickets.Next,it's the husband's turn.He pauses for a moment,then says,"I'd like to have a woman 30years younger than me."So the fairy picks up her wand and poof!He's 90!

Starworthy?

2007-11-20 12:43:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"The ventral side of a bottle of potential energy"

PLease help me ")

2007-11-20 12:42:26 · 6 answers · asked by Jen 1

WHAT IS BIRTH CONTROL? Another thing women can put in their mouth to keep from getting pregnant.

2007-11-20 12:37:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you had a hundred weight of coal and a hundred weight of lead, what would be the heaviest?

2007-11-20 12:33:46 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Romeo runs home to his mum and asks "what number shall i wear on the soccer feild, mum?" his mum replys "Romeo, Romeo, were four out there Romeo.

2007-11-20 12:25:15 · 6 answers · asked by Captain Raison likes pizza 6

Walking To School The First Day Back - by Misty Bus

The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me - by I. Rhoda Bike

Can't See The Chalkboard - by Sidney Backrow

Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School - by Major Crackupp

What I Dislike About Returning To School - by Mona Lott

Making It Through The First Week Of School - by Gladys Saturday

Is Life Over When Summer Ends? - by Midas Welbee

What I Love About Returning To School - by I.M. Kidding

Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? - by I. Betty Wont

What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School - by U. Will Gettitt

2007-11-20 12:23:06 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Surgeon General warns:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"
6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmatian with spot remover.
7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
9. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
10. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
11. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
12. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
13. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.
14. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."
15. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.
16. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

2007-11-20 12:21:51 · 3 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his
boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me
up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up". He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

2007-11-20 12:16:02 · 9 answers · asked by Ginnykitty 7

Eventually he had to swallow his pride

2007-11-20 12:11:34 · 6 answers · asked by Buzzard 7

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whiskey at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon.
He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie...but it's nice to see you won firrrst prrrize!"

2007-11-20 12:09:26 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Why chicken don't look right to left when crossing the streets?

2007-11-20 12:07:49 · 2 answers · asked by Hanna 2

okay well this joke i dont get my friend told me and it doesnt make sense:
this guy comes in a shop with three ducks, the salesguy goes up to the first one and says "whats your name and what have you been doin today?"
the duck goes "my name is duddle and i have been in and out of puddles all day."
the guy goes to the next and asks the same thing. the duck anwers "my name is puddles and you dont wanna know what i have been doing today."

2007-11-20 12:05:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A proctologist was closing up his clinic one night,eager to get home and celebrate his birthday with his family.His secretary walks in,and says 'I having pains,you know,back there.' the doctor had her bend over and he put on his gloves.He stuck his finger in inside and felt around. "WHAT'S THIS??" He yelled. 'What's wrong?'she asked.'I found a gold watch in there!' The woman turned around ,smiled and sang 'Happy Birthday to you,....

2007-11-20 11:58:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did you look at this question? ;) lol
Be creative with your answer!

2007-11-20 11:48:54 · 49 answers · asked by sillybreaze 4

Robert was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Robert's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Star if you giggled, smiled or laughed!

2007-11-20 11:28:07 · 10 answers · asked by DJ 5

Three men are traveling and need a place to sleep. They stop at a farm and ask the owner if they can spend the night. The farmers says okay, but one has to sleep with the pigs, one has to sleep with the cows and the other has to sleep in a room with his 18 daughters.

The next morning...
1st Man- "I feel like a pig, I slept with pigs all night"
2nd Man- "I feel like a cow, I slept with cows all night"
3rd Man- "I feel like a golf course. I've been in and out of 18 holes all night"

2007-11-20 11:06:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

For entertainment purposes only

2007-11-20 11:06:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

2007-11-20 11:03:17 · 23 answers · asked by free the weed 3

A blonde and a bruenette were sitting on the park bench when the bruenette said, "My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders". The blonde said, "How do you give a man shoulders?"

2007-11-20 10:53:29 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

2007-11-20 10:52:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

2007-11-20 10:48:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

IT JUST DOES, OK!?!?!?!?

2007-11-20 10:43:47 · 7 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

star if you think its funny.

2007-11-20 10:36:13 · 11 answers · asked by garchompagin 2

"What's wrong with me, doc?" asks the patient. "My balls have turned blue!"

The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed, or else he'll die.

"I can't let you do that!" the patient cries.

"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his balls removed.

Two weeks later the patient returns. "Doc, now my penis has turned blue!"

The doctor examines him and reaches the same conclusion: his penis must go.

The man begins to cry. "How will I pee?"

"Simple. We'll install a plastic pipe and that will do the trick," says the doctor. "You don't want to die, do you?"

Again, the man sadly consents to the procedure.

Two weeks later, the man returns again. "Doc! The pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"

"Well, I'm not really sure," admits the doctor. "Wait... do you wear jeans?"

2007-11-20 10:23:04 · 13 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

2007-11-20 10:11:40 · 16 answers · asked by Freakin 6

who invents it does not use it, who buys it does not want it, who uses it does not know it

2007-11-20 10:07:31 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ ߣttΫ♥ 5

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"

2007-11-20 09:52:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

she smarted off so, I shoved my eye into her fist...then, I rammed my ribs into her knee....then I forced my teeth into her elbow....then, I dropped with all I had and clubbed her other knee with my cajones......I had her on her hands and knees crying, pleading and screaming at me...she
wanted me to come out from under the bed and fight like a man....I did and she must have been totally afraid of me cause, when I woke up....she was gone.......

2007-11-20 09:51:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous