Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Pls. star if worthy...Thanx.

Blonde Achievements
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't go snowboarding, Florida has no mountains!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "3-5 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car got swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!

2007-11-21 11:57:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his mother asking him to send her a current photo
of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let
her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture
in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the
photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks
later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it
makes your nose look short!"

2007-11-21 11:36:22 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't **** with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."

2007-11-21 11:14:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that ****
again, you're in my closet now."

2007-11-21 11:01:21 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a local restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pocket. Upon being asked, the waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?” The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

Pls star if worthy....Thx.

2007-11-21 10:53:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a local restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pocket. Upon being asked, the waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?” The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

Pls star if worthy....Thx.

2007-11-21 10:50:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Happy Thanksgiving to all
Things you can only say on Thanksgiving and get away with .......
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It’s Cool Whip time!
4. If I don’t undo my pants I’ll burst!
5. Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
18. That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it’s ready?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2007-11-21 10:47:44 · 23 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A blonde chick and her buddies were sitting in the ski lodge. They were about to go outside when one of the blonde's buddies looked at the thermometer and said," It's really chilly outside"

The blonde said, "you guys go ahead, I gotta get my bowl"

2007-11-21 10:37:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just found this on myspace and had to share it.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house

2007-11-21 10:19:52 · 23 answers · asked by Kookie M 5

This Amish guy and his son went to the mall
The son pointed to the elevator and said "Pa, what are those 2 silver sliding doors do?"
Since the Amish man had never seen an elevator before, he said, "I don't know son, lets look."

So the Amish man and his son stood looking at the elevator.
Soon a chubby handy caped woman went into the elevator.

They stood there and watched the lights move showing that the woman had gone down.
Soon the doors opened and a beautiful, slender, woman walked out. The Amish man said
"Son, go get your mother"







yea, I took this from some one...sry in advance

2007-11-21 10:08:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

2007-11-21 10:04:55 · 4 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN P LACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

2007-11-21 10:02:30 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

when you hate monkies because they look similar to people.

2007-11-21 09:47:04 · 8 answers · asked by @NGEL B@BY 7

little boy is playing with his train, mum overhears him say" all you bas*ards getting off can f**k off, all you bas*ards getting on better fu**ing hurry, mum sends him to his room for 2 hours until he learns to be nice...
when he starts playing again 2 hrs later, mum hears him say" those disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day, those boarding please enjoy your journey and those upset by the 2hr delay, blame that fat c**t in the kitchen

2007-11-21 09:35:36 · 15 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

too often we lose sight of simple pleasures,
remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and slap the t**t

2007-11-21 09:29:20 · 10 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

1. its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job...
2. it's important to have a woman who makes you laugh...
3. it's important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie...
4. it's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you...
5. it's absolutely vital that these 4 women don't know each other...

2007-11-21 09:26:50 · 14 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

Man says to wife " your *** is the size of a 3 burner bbq!" Later in bed he tries it on wife says "there's no point lighting a bbq for half a sausage!"

2007-11-21 09:10:21 · 11 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

Man kneeling by his bed his wife says "what are you praying for?" Husband says "guidance" wife says "pray for stiffness i'll guide it myself!"

2007-11-21 09:01:53 · 18 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

2007-11-21 08:55:21 · 1 answers · asked by music4life 1

me and my freinds are having a sexist car war. we want to do something to their car but we dont want to mess it up cuz then theyd get the last laugh as we have to pay to fix the paint or watever.. so i was wondering wut some good pranks are that can be done to the outside of the car. also does fish paste on the door handles pose a problem of ruining the paint??

2007-11-21 08:47:08 · 9 answers · asked by polleythecracker 2

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican .
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord

2007-11-21 08:27:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo Mamma is so fat, that only picture we have is a sattelite photo! OOOOO

2007-11-21 08:21:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres this nun and she gets into a taxi. after driving for a little while the driver says sister can i make a confession? the nun says go ahead. he says ive always wanted to kiss a nun. she said well i can make that happen on 2 conditions......#1 your not married and #2 your catholic. he says no im not married and yes im catholic. so they pull over and start making out. they make out for about 10 minutes and then they start driving again. they drive for a few minutes when the driver says i have another confession......im married and im jewish. the nun says thats ok i have a confession too............ my name is jacob and im going to a costume party! Star if you liked it.

2007-11-21 08:17:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Clinton was sat at his desk in the oval office when a worried looking aide appears.
BC. ''Whats the problem?''
Aide: ''Well to be honest, its this 'abortion bill'.
BC. '' I can't see the problem. Just go out and pay it.''

2007-11-21 08:16:47 · 4 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

One night, a boy hears his mum and dad getting it on downstairs, so the next day he asks his dad, 'Dad, what were you and mum doing downstairs last night?'
His dad replies, 'We were..baking a cake, son.'
Later that night his dad hears the boy moving around downstairs so the next day he asks his son, 'Son, what were you doing downstairs last night?'
The boy replies, 'I was licking the icing off the sofa'.

2007-11-21 08:15:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was walking past mum and dads bedroom to get a glass of water. He hears moaning and groaning coming from the room and takes a peek.
Sure enough mum and dad are busy. Little Johnny jumps onto his dads back and shouts ''Weeeee, horsie ride.''
Dad not wanting to lose his stride, keeps on going.
A while later mum starts to moan and groan loudly and writhe around.
Little Johnny ''Watch out dad. This is the part where me and the milkman normaly get thrown off.''

2007-11-21 08:03:32 · 9 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

get Mclaren out of the picture

2007-11-21 07:50:59 · 11 answers · asked by debbie 1

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

2007-11-21 07:41:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch,
herding cows.” He then asked her what she was.

She replied, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of
women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make
me think of women! ”

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy
and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that
I’m a lesbian.”

2007-11-21 07:24:01 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

2007-11-21 06:59:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous