[Selected]: All categories ➔ Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
2007-11-19 23:36:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous
The second line of each is the added couplet. :D
William Shakespeare
When my love swears that she is made of truth
All I can do is blame it on her youth
Robert Herrick
Whenas in silks my Julia goes
The outline of her girdle shows
Robert Herrick
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may
But take your little pill each day
Thomas Campion
There is a garden in her face
Her dermatologist has the case
Algernon Charles Swinburne
When the hounds of spring are on winter’s traces
The rich take off for warmer places
***Sources- American Wits: an anthology of light verse, edited by John Hollander
2007-11-19 23:06:03 · 2 answers · asked by cookie gal 2
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
Continued in the additional details, no space for more
2007-11-19 23:05:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous
I've been hearing these jokes everywhere, so I'll give you one I heard yesterday. I didn't find it that funny, but maybe you will.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
aunt nancy parachute botte of whisky
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking.
2007-11-19 22:52:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous
A bear went to the toilet in the woods and as he finished doing his business, a little rabbit bounded by.
"Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?" the bear asked the little rabbit.
"No," the little rabbit replied.
So the bear picked up the little rabbit and wiped his bum with him.
2007-11-19 22:46:10 · 5 answers · asked by Marcus M 4
Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets
2007-11-19 22:38:25 · 6 answers · asked by cold kid 2
Understanding Men
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YO
2007-11-19 22:38:12 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous
One afternoon the pastor came to call on Beatrice, she invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, it was filled with water, and in the water floated a condom!! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but he couldn't & finally asked.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease."
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
2007-11-19 22:35:27 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6
my recent two question is floop. r u agree.
2007-11-19 22:23:52 · 4 answers · asked by pandurang j 3
Dying US soldier in Iraq:
Soldier:"I wish I could kiss "USA" flag before I die"
Nurse: "Oh,I have a 'tatoo' of it on my bum"
"Soldier kisses it"
and said:
Pls turn,"I want to kiss Bush too"...
2007-11-19 22:19:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous
A lady goes to the doctor and says: "I have a bit of a problem with wind. I just can't stop farting, but the funny thing is they are completely odourless and they make no noise whatsoever!" " "Oooh! there goes another" she said. "Ooooh, Ooooh, Ooooh, Ooooh! I just can't stop breaking wind." So the doctor gives her something for her problem and says " Take this 3 times a day for a week and see if it's any better, then come back and see me again."
She returns after a week and says: " I'm still farting just as much, but they really stink now!" So the doctor says: "That's good, we've cured your sinus problems - now we just need to do something about your hearing."
2007-11-19 22:14:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous
2007-11-19 22:02:31 · 12 answers · asked by prasunkuls 2
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Catch
Catch who?
Do you need a Kleenex?
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Oswald
Oswald who?
Oswald my gum
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Tank
Tank who?
You're welcome!
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Carrie
Carrie who?
Carry my books please
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Summer
Summer who?
Summer here and some are there
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sacha
Sacha who?
Sacha lot of questions
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott
Abbott who?
Abbott time you opened this door
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
Cows don't go who they go moo
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive here so let me in!
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Ivor
Ivor who?
Ivor message for you
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbey
Abbey who?
Abbey stung me on the nose
2007-11-19 21:54:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Where does a sheep get a haircut?
A: At the Baa Baa shop!
What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
A: A Milk Dud
What animal makes the most of its food?
A: The giraffe~ It makes a little go a long way
What kind of ant is good at math?
A: An accountant
What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist
Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: To carry their library cards
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
A: Unhoppy
2007-11-19 21:51:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous
Father: What are your marks like in school?
Boy: They're underwater.
Father: What does that mean?
Boy: They're below C level.
Teacher: Your essay about your cat is the same as your sister's.
Pupil: That is because it is the same cat!
Teacher: Do you understand the importance of punctuation?
Student: Oh yes, I always get to school on time.
Q: On what kind of ships do students travel?
A: On scholarships
Boy: I think our school must be haunted.
Father: Why?
Boy: Because the principal is always talking about school spirit.
Q: If you cut an apple into four pieces and a banana into eight, what will you get?
A: Fruit salad
Teacher: Can you tell me what a unit of electricity is called?
Student: What?
Teacher: Correct
Q: Why did the schoolboy hate decimals?
A: He couldn't see the point.
Teacher: Please name two pronouns.
Student: Who? Me?
Teacher: Correct.
2007-11-19 21:48:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous
Tom's Mom had four kids: Nickel, Dime, Quarter...and what was the fourth?
A: Tom
Can you answer this?
If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
A: The doctoring doctor doctors the doctor the way the doctoring doctor wants to doctor the doctor. Not the way the doctored doctor wants to be doctored.
What is greater than god and more evil than the devil? The poor have it and the rich need it. If you eat it, you will die. What is it?
A: Nothing
2007-11-19 21:43:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous
It says "im hangin on the rope got me six feet off the ground" that's all i know, it's new and really popular
2007-11-19 20:17:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous
This is a brain teaser...
2007-11-19 20:09:21 · 26 answers · asked by DragAndClick 2
an angry girlfriends poem..!!
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the sh*it out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
2007-11-19 19:54:24 · 15 answers · asked by cold kid 2
I have lost count....
2007-11-19 19:44:08 · 12 answers · asked by Uncle Bob The Sicko 1
What did the rug say to the floor?
I've got you covered!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?
An ele-vador!
Why did the tomato change?
Because he saw the salad dressing too!
What did the announcer name his son?
Mike!
What did the skunk do when he went in the house?
He odored everyone not to move!
What did one ice cube say to another ice cube?
You are so cool!
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
What did one mathbook say to the other?
I really got a lot of problems!
2007-11-19 19:21:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
2007-11-19 19:03:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous
HE SAID: Q: Why are brides dressed in white? A: So they match the rest of the appliances.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
2007-11-19 17:37:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
Please star if you think it's funny!
2007-11-19 17:33:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous
Husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table. Husband gets up and goes to the cupboard. He brings back a bottle of tylenol and a glass of water. He places it in front of his wife. Wife says "what's that for? I don`t have a headache." Husband says "GOTCHA!"
Please star if you think it's funny!
2007-11-19 17:26:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous
Anti-Social Behaviour Orders
To the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Chavs and yobs who love to fight
Terrorise us every night.
Toothless, useless, little law,
How we wonder what you're for.
On the streets with hoods and knives,
How they terrorise our lives,
Though they all should be in bed,
All you do is boost their cred.
ASBO, ASBO, can't you see
You are an accessory.
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Words will never rule the street,
We need coppers on the beat.
Toothless, useless, little law,
How we wonder what you're for
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ****
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
2007-11-19 17:19:49 · 11 answers · asked by JaydiiBabyee 1
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You are using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Please star if you think it's funny!
2007-11-19 17:17:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
2007-11-19 16:30:33 · 7 answers · asked by DEL H 3
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Read More jokes from: http://www.coolstuffs.in
2007-11-19 16:26:41 · 8 answers · asked by kalai 4
A wealthy man was having an affair with an young girl from a trailer park. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided
in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or
his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go
to Italy to secretly have the child.
He promised her mother that if it was a boy he would inherit the man's bussines, if it was a girl she would be well looked after for her whole life.
He ask the woman's mother what she would want him to do if any thing happend and the baby did not survive:
She said then your make love to her again until she's pregnant again
2007-11-19 15:55:20 · 4 answers · asked by David L 4
Questions asked in November 2007:
Showing 1201 to 1230 of 3022 questions
Questions asked in other months: