A simple "Joke"...... pls send me one too!(badly needed)...?

Question

Dying US soldier in Iraq:
Soldier:"I wish I could kiss "USA" flag before I die"
Nurse: "Oh,I have a 'tatoo' of it on my bum"
"Soldier kisses it"
and said:
Pls turn,"I want to kiss Bush too"...

Guys,you 'all' made my day!!!...

that was nice Tony!short,but kept me laughing...

I'd like to thank every one for sharing me their 'Jokes '.I'll keep it,and read it again when I needed it and feeling down....I would love to give you all guys each 10 point's but... I couldn't do that...So I send it for voting,as I don't wanna offend any one.I liked everything...Thank you!

Answer 1

Santa: today I made a fool of water?

Banta: how did you do that?

Santa: I heated some water for a bath and bathed with cold water


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Santa: My wife is still scared of water

Banta: how come?

Santa: yesterday when i went home,
she was in the bath tub with the security guard!!


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Santa to his wife: darling, years ago u had a figure like coke bottle.

Jeeto: yes darling i still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.


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banta: you cheated me.

shopkeeper: no, i sold a good radio to you.

banta: radio label shows made in japan but radio says this is all india
radio!


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nurse: congrats santa, you are a father.

santa: don't tell my wife, i want to surprise her!


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Everybody was angry with the hike in petrol prices

Santa: Sir, why are you so angry?

Sir: The petrol price is increasing day-by-day, this is not fair.
Santaji, you don't look worried?

Santa: Why should i worry. For me it is the same price.

Sir: how come?

Santa: Earlier also i filled for Rs 100 now also i fill for rs 100!

Sir: ???????????


Santa to Bill Gates




Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur
money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,

Banta Singh

Answer 2

here was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some
even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one
could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on
Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11
a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil
spirits. Just when the clock struck 11..! . Pookie Johnson, The part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so
that he could! ! ! ! use the vacuum cleaner.



another one

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?




I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP



Hope this made you laugh :D

Answer 3

hahah that was funny heres one for ya!
A professor, A Marine and GOD!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God; I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.'

Answer 4

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Answer 5

simple joke pls send badly needed

Answer 6

Me and my friends were in Italy the other day and this bloke just sat with us at the table. He got up to go to the loo and left his mobile behind. We didn't know what to do at that point. So I picked up the phone, looked through his phone book and saw that he had "Dad" in there. So we sent his dad a message from him saying: "Dad I'm in the bath thinking of you." So the guy came back and about 30 secs later his dad arrived and said to him. I don't know what your problem is but you need to get your f***ng life sorted out.

Answer 7

very good!!!
bush is gettin his daily briefing from rumsfelt.rumsfelt comes in,and very sadly informs the president that 3 brazilion soldiers were killed the day before.bush is so taken back.he hangs his head low ,over his desk , between 2 clenched fist.he looks up through 2 crying eyes and asked,"how many is a brazilion?"!

Answer 8

Paddy and Murphy in the jungle ,by a river .
they see a man's head sticking out of a crocodiles head .
Paddy says check out that flash **** in his lacoste sleeping bag,,

Answer 9

I'm not good with jokes like these actually but here's two links that might put a smile to your face:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgVkvo7Rg3LWaDlcBCwRCPTty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071114184625AABrFLY

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgyeFrA6hsUh32xDRlRMksPty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071114185752AAlbD8o

Have a nice day!

Answer 10

a rabbit and a bear are having a **** in the woods. The Bear says ' do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?', the rabbit says ' No', so the bear wipes his **** with the rabbit.