Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

You are lost in the woods (it's winter and freezing) you come up on a cabin and go inside, you see a candle, a stove, and a lantern... you only have one match what do you light first?

2007-11-19 15:51:27 · 12 answers · asked by ~HeAtHeR~ 2

Pls star if you like this story...Thx.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided
in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or
his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go
to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card
today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife
handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white and collapsed.


On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meatballs, one without! Request bread...

2007-11-19 15:44:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i'm about five feet tall.
i have my own loft bed.
i like 2 skateboard.
i like 2 go shopping @ HCO.
i like 2 eat.

2007-11-19 14:27:31 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walks into the bar and seems like the life of the party, talking to everyone around the bar so the owner of the bar finally waves him over and they get into deep converstations. one thing leads to another and the man reveals his abilbity to pee accurately in long distances. the owner says "BULLSH*T, i bet you $500 you can piss in that glass and thats only 10 feet away.

so the man unzips his pants and starts to urine...uncontrollably he is spraying everywhere..on the tables, on the counter, on the juke box and even on the owner...

the owner laughing as he claims $500 sees the man smiling...the owner ask "why the hell are you happy?! i just made your wallet 500 dollars lighter!"

the man says "well see those 5 guys by the pool table? i just bet them $300 a piece i can piss all over your bar and you would be excited about it"

2007-11-19 14:20:01 · 7 answers · asked by Phoenix Trite 4

Two scientists, Jack and Mark, go out to a camping trip.
The chat and laugh and then hit the sack. Quietly asleep, Jack wakes up and nudges Mark.

'Mark, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Jack," replies .

"And what do you deduce from that?"says Jack.

Mark ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Jack?"

Jack is silent for a moment. 'Mark, you idiot!" he says. "It means someone has stolen our tent"!

Star this if you liked!!

2007-11-19 14:08:42 · 14 answers · asked by cutegir11 3

So I went to go see my psychiatrist the other day. Hey Doc, I said, "I'm havin trouble makin friends you f'in scumbag"!

2007-11-19 14:04:23 · 5 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

First HELLO







REMEMBER for the LADIES mostly.

OK now I'm ready, if you had only one article of clothing to put on, what would you pick? REMEMBER this is a really hard RIDDLE I made up so do your best.

2007-11-19 14:04:02 · 14 answers · asked by Justin H 4

Lick your elbow.....go ahead, give it a shot.
;)-

2007-11-19 13:52:09 · 12 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

2007-11-19 13:50:58 · 23 answers · asked by jaybas_2 2

elizxabedtghg and dont try and fix it. -=) P.S. That says Elizabeth

2007-11-19 13:46:50 · 42 answers · asked by myraxellenxamos 4

What row of numbers comes next in this series?


11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221

2007-11-19 13:41:48 · 12 answers · asked by Kirsten 1

A grade school teacher in upstate New York, asked her class how many of them are 'Hillary fans'.
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he decided to be different.
Johnny says,"I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
So Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

2007-11-19 13:38:22 · 18 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

2007-11-19 13:28:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walks into a southern bar and orders a HUGE opposum sandwich. The waiter brought one out to her. She grabbed the sandwich and didn't know where to start, so she decided she would start with the tail. After she chewed and swallowed, the lady started to choke on the tail. Two oversized, dirty looking locals sitting in the corner saw that she was choking. "Well, are you gunna help her?" asked one. "Well if no one else is gunna, I guess I have to." So the man waddles over to the lady, grabs her skirt, lifts it up, and licks her ***. The lady was so stunned she coughed up the tail herself. The man walked back over to his chair, sat down, and said to his friend, "Like I said, the 'HIND-LICK' manuvere works everytime!"

2007-11-19 13:22:11 · 10 answers · asked by nicolexoski 2

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

2007-11-19 13:11:21 · 8 answers · asked by garchompagin 2

When the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

2007-11-19 13:09:26 · 8 answers · asked by ★ Ðяєäмíŋg Ôυт Łøυ∂ ♥ 6

2007-11-19 13:07:06 · 13 answers · asked by ★ Ðяєäмíŋg Ôυт Łøυ∂ ♥ 6

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-11-19 12:55:12 · 30 answers · asked by garchompagin 2

A man buying a camel was advised that to make it walk, he should say, "Few", to make it run he should say, "Many", and to make it stop, he should say, "Amen". On his first ride, all went well. "Few!", he called, and off the camel went. "Many!" he shouted, and the camel began to run - straight for the edge of a cliff. But the new owner had forgotten the word to make the animal stop! As the cliff edge came closer, he cried out in terror. "Lord save me! Lord save me! Amen!" And of course the camel stopped - right at the edge of the fearsome precipice. Whereupon, the rider mopped his brow in relief and said, "Phew, that was clo- AAAAGH!"

STAR IF FUNNY PLEASE!

2007-11-19 12:19:48 · 17 answers · asked by Amanda 5

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

2007-11-19 12:07:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i make my girlfriend laugh all the time, at high school im known as the craziest and funniest kid.., but im running out of jokes!


i just want to here her laugh again, i cant think of anything, please give me some jokes or something to do to make her laugh again, it would make my day, and ill give stars to whoever answers with an actual ANSWER

2007-11-19 11:47:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a class of 100 students there are 50 who play soccer, 45 who play basketball, and 50 who play volleyball. Only 15 students play all three sports. Everyone plays at least 1 sport. How many students play at least two of these sports?

2007-11-19 11:46:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, & laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. still some more!!!

2007-11-19 11:20:23 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friends 28th birthday is today she lives kinda far is this funny to comment on her myspace? I bought you a bithday present all I need is about 30 bucks to send it too you...Can you think of any other jokes?

2007-11-19 11:20:17 · 5 answers · asked by Sara 3

Sorry...Affair #1 got a violation...the trolls are out.

The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Pls star if you liked this one. Thx.

2007-11-19 11:10:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA,when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yell, "What kind of -ese are you? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc......"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ' -key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I ?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"

Lesson: Never insult anyone.

2007-11-19 10:31:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor asked him how he's feeling.

The 90-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime bear sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang and the bear fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that bear."

The doctor replied..... "My point exactly."

2007-11-19 10:28:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walking in bear country can be dangerous.

Wear bells and carry pepper spray.

Note bear droppings: Brown bears have berries and squirrel fur in them.

Grizzlies have bells and pepper spray in them.

2007-11-19 10:26:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex relation.

The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex relation. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

The father replies, "Making a baby."

The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."

2007-11-19 10:23:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in
front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
Iowa-Idiots out wandering around
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Iowa: Just east of Omaha
Iowa: it is easy to spell
Dumb Iowa Laws
Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
Dubuque
Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.
Indianola
The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.
Fort Madison
The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
Marshalltown
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants
Ottumwa
Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

2007-11-19 10:07:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous