Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

LOL..!!!!.... i still cant figure it out!!!..
<3 Lorraine

2007-11-19 10:02:11 · 19 answers · asked by :) his girl 3

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for ?

2007-11-19 10:00:00 · 17 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A : The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you......

2007-11-19 09:55:54 · 26 answers · asked by ♥ 2

Ques. 1 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A TOMATO....... AND THE TRING TRING TRING WAS TO CONFUSE YOU......

2007-11-19 09:53:43 · 24 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

2007-11-19 09:47:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

2007-11-19 09:40:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she’s lying on her back?"

George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

2007-11-19 09:37:27 · 25 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?.....




So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

2007-11-19 09:37:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can'tbe in charge."

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

2007-11-19 09:35:38 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.The penguin goes and buys himself an ice cream then goes back to the garage.

“Oh, hello,” says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

“Hello,” replies the penguin. “Was it anything serious?”

“Not really, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“Oh no, no, no!” says the penguin, wiping his mouth. “It’s just ice cream.”

2007-11-19 09:29:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, when the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, “Hey man, I know you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited.”

The groom replies, “I just had the best bl*w job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, “I know you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited.”

The bride replies, “I have just given the last bl*w job of my entire life!”

2007-11-19 09:24:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer

slap the choir boy on the back of the head

2007-11-19 09:23:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Pls star it you liked it. Thx.

2007-11-19 09:21:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some great ways to annoy people at work...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

2007-11-19 09:16:09 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats the difference between a bench and a Mexican?



























Answer: A bench could support a Mexican family.

2007-11-19 09:15:48 · 8 answers · asked by rahul g 1

6 truths of life:
1-you cannot touch all of ur teeth with ur tongue!




2-all idiots after reading the first truth try it!
3-the first truth is a lie!




4-ur smiling now cos ur an idiot!
5-u soon will forward this to another idiot!






6-there's still a stupid smile on ur face!!

2007-11-19 09:06:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK theres these 3 guys in a sunna, one of the guys is Chinese and one is Japanese and the other one is a Hillbilly, as they were sittting, the Chinese guy started to make beeping sounds with his mouth, then the other guys were like what r u doing then he was like in China that how we can communicate as u can see i just spoke to my mother. Later then the Japanese guy started to shake his arms then they were like what r u doing he was like i just parked my car in the garage, thats how strong are technology is, then the hillbilly had to do something so he came out went to the bathroom and shoved toilet paper in his butt and walked back into the sunna and the two guys were like woooow whats that then he was like oh would you look at that, im geting a fax.

2007-11-19 08:52:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pusy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

2007-11-19 08:21:44 · 16 answers · asked by wee suzie 4

My first is in winter, but isn`t in spring
My seconds in Easter, and also in ring
My third is in harvest, but isn`t in corn
My fifth is in leader , and also in ledge
My sixth is in Paddy, but isn`t in what
My sevenths in younger, and also in yacht
The whole things a song, and the word is quite sad
I hope of these things , you`ve not many had


Sorry about the grammar i couldn`t get it to rhyme.

2007-11-19 08:07:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i dont know if this joke has been here recently, bu here goes...

A man's wife always fell asleep at church, he went to the vicar and asked him
'what can i do about my wife sleeping?' to this the vicar replied:
' Get this needle, whenever your wife falls asleep prick her with it'
The man takes the needle, and the couple go to church

The wife is sleeping,
Vicar'Let us be thankful today, for the sacrifice of'
Woman' JESUS CHRIST!' Her husband poked her with the needle

The vicar carries on, the wife falls asleep again
Vicar' Let us continue to the Commandments, which were handed down to us by...'
Woman'GOOD GOD!' She got poked again

Nevertheless, the vicar carries on
Vicar' When Eve had born Adam's 99th child, she said to him......'
Woman' IF YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME I'L SHOVE IT UP YOUR OWN A**!'

2007-11-19 08:05:58 · 3 answers · asked by bitten_pink 3

Adam was lonely. He ask god if he could have a companion. " I just want some one like me to love". So God said,"Okay, I will make you someone who is loving and caring. Some one who will make you meals everyday without telling you to get your butt off the couch for once. And she will also be very beautiful." "Sounds great", said Adam,"How much will it cost me?" God said,"An arm and a leg". "Oh, that sound a little steep...",Said Adam," What can I get for a rib?"

2007-11-19 07:53:49 · 11 answers · asked by Mr. Jake 1

2007-11-19 07:52:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

this riddle is:

A father is traveling down a road with his son and gets in a car accident. the father dies instantly and the son is rushed to the hostpital. the docotor at the hospital sees the boy and gasp " oh my gosh...hes my son!" if the father died in the accident how is this possible?

the answer is not: the docotor was the father of the father that died.

2007-11-19 07:46:24 · 80 answers · asked by Anonymous

does anyone kno a possible answer for this riddle:

a man sees a woman and says to her, " we were born on the same day, at the same time, to the same mother, at the same hospita." The man and the woman were not twins. How is this possible?

2007-11-19 07:37:58 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny went to the drugstore and asked the man at the counter for a box of tampons.
MAN: Are they for your mother?''
Johnny: ''No, there for my little brother.''
Man: ''What.''
Johnny: ''Well, I saw an advert on TV that said if you use these, You'll be able to swim and ride a bike. My little brother can't do any of these yet.''

2007-11-19 07:32:31 · 10 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

2007-11-19 07:32:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".

2007-11-19 07:29:04 · 6 answers · asked by wee suzie 4

Little Johnny and Billy were having the standard argument about who's dad could beat up who's dad.
Johhnny said ''My dads better than yours''.
Billy said '' Well my mums better than yours.''
Johnny ''I guess your right, thats what my dad says too.''

2007-11-19 07:21:50 · 7 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Hey, I have heard sooo many blonde jokes over the years that I assumed I had heard them all. Here is one my friend just told me that was new to me. Maybe it will be to some of you too and you can have a chuckle. Sorry blond people!!!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

2007-11-19 07:07:01 · 26 answers · asked by I Can Preach Too! 5

Steve had to walk to a bus stop every day to catch a ride to go to work. Everyday he would pass a cemetery and see a nun praying over a grave. He got on the bus and greeted Greg, the bus driver. Since Steve took that bus a lot, Steve and Greg became pretty good friends.
Steve said,"You know, I'd like to dress as Jesus and tell that nun to screw me. I think I know a good place to get a costume. She'd fall for it."
So after work Steve bought the disguise, put it on, and went to the cemetery and saw the nun still there.
Steve said,"I am the Lord thy God. If you love me, have sex with me."
Nun,"Ok, but do it in the back I want to remain a virgin."
Steve agreed and they did it. When they finished Steve took off the disguise and said,"Hehehe, I'm just Steve."
Nun,"Hehehe, I'm just Greg."

2007-11-19 06:48:11 · 10 answers · asked by Mr Geek 2