Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

i'm bored..
need stuff to make me laugh..
so funny ones..
anything...

2007-11-18 17:54:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

2007-11-18 17:45:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

2007-11-18 17:41:27 · 11 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

2007-11-18 17:10:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

24 Hour Scene
Cold blue room.
Warm yellow flowers,
peaceful green leaves,
on a earth brown table.
Hot red sun shine,
on flesh toned people.
Sharp white glare,
against pitch black night,
seen through clear glass.

Show me your colors.

2007-11-18 16:10:28 · 9 answers · asked by Coop 366 7

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

2007-11-18 15:03:57 · 11 answers · asked by Melissa A 2

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're ****-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

2007-11-18 14:51:28 · 7 answers · asked by Melissa A 2

What I mean is are there any jokes about Michael that aren't making fun of him? I saw one that Thriller used in an answer, but are there any others?


PS. If you are not an mj fan, and you are going to tell me a negative Michael Jackson joke that makes fun of him Do not answer!

2007-11-18 14:41:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied,"He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

2007-11-18 14:40:09 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

2007-11-18 14:29:45 · 8 answers · asked by muskaan 4

2007-11-18 13:45:30 · 6 answers · asked by Lori 4

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

2007-11-18 13:40:48 · 8 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

i have 11

2007-11-18 13:34:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Staring at me with passionless eyes.
No more betrayal to endlessly grow.
On hall-stand I hung my disguise.
To become a silhouette in the shadow.
A smiling face hides a stale heart.
Nobody wants to see these fatal tears.
If I was given a chance to restart.
I would quickly throw away my despairs.


Trauma seems to follow all my memories.
Normal is impossible, a far chance.
My heart now screams at the sceneries.
And to me, they throw their final glance.
I gave up everything I had today.
I surrendered my soul, I drifted away.

2007-11-18 13:26:19 · 11 answers · asked by Alexandra S 1

2007-11-18 13:22:29 · 9 answers · asked by Ryan S. 1

Here's a safety brief for you...be careful what you wear
(or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...
especially in public. True story:


From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes
this story of a central west couple who drove their
car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in
the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on
with the shopping while he fixed the car.


The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones.


Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward
and tucked everything back into place.


On regaining her feet she looked across
the hood and found herself staring at
her husband who was standing idly by.


The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

2007-11-18 13:20:31 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

what can I do with stuff like that?

2007-11-18 13:17:06 · 3 answers · asked by Curly 3

http://www.journeys.com/catalog_detail.aspx?c=apparel&s=girls/Handbags&id=64889

i dont get it, can u explain it to me?

2007-11-18 13:02:19 · 8 answers · asked by Taylor(: 2

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

2007-11-18 13:00:19 · 13 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

2007-11-18 12:59:14 · 18 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

2007-11-18 12:58:41 · 13 answers · asked by Brown eyed girl 7

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

2007-11-18 12:57:31 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

another:

why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.

not that funny?
funny¿
really funny?

2007-11-18 12:55:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

NOT a trick question!

2007-11-18 12:43:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

2007-11-18 12:36:00 · 13 answers · asked by Judgerz 6

3 blondes walk into a bar......
They are so dumb, that even after the first two walked into the bar, the third still walked right into it.

2007-11-18 12:07:01 · 7 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

my cousin told me that question, but i didn't get it. Is it a riddle?

2007-11-18 12:03:10 · 3 answers · asked by Deadly Whispers 1

Hand Job!!
"I've never done that" she says "What do I do"?
Frank says "Well remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a bottle of Coke and spray it over people, thats what you do"
She knods and says "OK"
so Frank pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
Two minutes later Frank has tears down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears!
She says "Whats wrong"
Frank cries out "TAKE YOUR FU***NG THUMB OFF THE END"!!

;-)

2007-11-18 11:54:28 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

for big laughs read poetry for hypochondriacs with alltime classics like:
adult poems:
Ode to an ulcer
heart attacks are red, corpses are blue
kids poems:
the cuke in the puke
how the diarrhea stole christmas
green crap and vomit
and finally winnie the puke

2007-11-18 11:35:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?

2007-11-18 11:22:35 · 19 answers · asked by raybbies 5