Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of
lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into
a breathalyzer.


''I can't do that, officer.''


''Why not?''


''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an
asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''


''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down
at the station.''


''Can't do that either, officer.''



''Why not?''


''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low
blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''


''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''



''Can't do that either, officer.''



''Why not?''


''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood
I could die.''


''Fine then, just walk this white line.''



''Can't do that either, officer.''



''Why not?''


''Because I'm drunk.''

2007-11-19 00:35:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-19 00:30:00 · 20 answers · asked by john9999999 3

Winning Gold Three women were sitting around talking about
their sex lives.


The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship
golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his
stroke."


The second woman said, "My husband's like the
winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives
me several hundred exciting laps."


The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell
us about your husband."


She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's
like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."



"How so?"


"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds

2007-11-19 00:25:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. A day without sunshine is like night.


2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.


3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.



4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.



6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in the trap.


9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.


10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.



12. If you think no body cares, try missing a couple of payments.



13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my
hand.


14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?


15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

2007-11-19 00:22:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished



. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."


A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, " That happens in every country, son."

2007-11-19 00:19:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken
back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been



unfaithful to his wife and he says, 'My God, are you
the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on
the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm
your son's teacher.'

2007-11-19 00:16:59 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

i work in a orphan organization.so,need to know a site or personally told jokes and riddles....Thanks

2007-11-19 00:12:19 · 8 answers · asked by Tehseen B 5

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he
sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing
fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and
feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day
thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the
old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"



He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
out I'm a lesbian."

2007-11-19 00:09:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a long night of making love, a man notices a photo of another man on his girlfriend's nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asksNo,silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your other boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to bereassured "No, no, no!!!" she answers "Well, who in the hell is he?", he demands."That's me before the surgery


Humm..pls star if you like that one. Thx.

2007-11-18 23:59:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students.


The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"



Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Harry: "9".


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36".





And so it went with every question the principal thought
a 3rd grader should know.

2007-11-18 23:47:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please star if you like this one. Thanks.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

2007-11-18 23:43:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Clue:
Regal & called Betty by the family..she's at a big Abbey, in Westminster....

10points for first correct or funniest answer.

2007-11-18 23:13:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old lady is having trouble with her pet dog snoring every night and keeping her awake. So she goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog's penis he'll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis. His snoring stopped.

Later on that night her dog is snoring again, so she gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis, and he stops snoring.

The next morning the dog wakes up, looks down at himself, and says: "I don't know what kind of freaky perverted dog-show this women entered me into last night, but it appears I came in first and second."

2007-11-18 22:34:08 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like
other boys
his age rather curious. He had been
hearing quite
a bit
about 'making out' from the older boys,
and he
wondered what it was and how it was
done. One
day he took his question to his mother,
who
became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the
curtains one night and watch his older
sister and
her boyfriend.

This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING
to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while,
then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I
figured 'Sis
must be getting sick, because her face
started
looking funny. He must have thought so
too,
because he put his hand inside her
blouse to feel
her heart, just the way the doctor would.
Except
he's not as smart as the doctor because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess
he was getting sick too,

2007-11-18 21:52:37 · 20 answers · asked by Marina 1

A Case For Drinking More Beer






A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and
weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

2007-11-18 21:38:06 · 6 answers · asked by Joe 4

A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for
$10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
----------------

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey?" "No" "Do you play soccer?" "No" "Do you play any other physical sport?" "Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

2007-11-18 21:20:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.

Do you have a piece of gum?

2007-11-18 21:14:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

2007-11-18 21:09:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jomo is a servant boy ho drinks his boss's wine everyday and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine,decides to buy pastis ( a French wine that changes color if you add water).
Jomo as usual,takes a mouthful and adds water to replace what he drank.
However,soon the after he adds the water the pastis becomes milky.
When the boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Jomo as a thief!!!
At that same time Jomo realised he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The boss said to his wife "Cherish,you'll see, he'll ve obliged to acknowledge".
The boss shouted,"Jomo!"
Jomo,"Yes,Boss".
Boss,"Who drank my pastis?"
No answer.

The Boss reiterated his question:still no answer.

Boss,"Are you insane or what? Why when I call you you say"yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?"

2007-11-18 20:59:36 · 6 answers · asked by ms avarage 2

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I
see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.


"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"


The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day."


"From hunger, you mean?"


"No, from skipping.

2007-11-18 20:55:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks up to a soda machine and buys a coke while a man walks up behind her waiting for his turn. The blonde runs a way for a minute then comes back with a bag full of coins and continues putting money into the machine and getting cokes. The man asks her if shes finished and the blonde replys
shhhh im winning!!

2007-11-18 20:54:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wee auld wummin from the Gorbals is at a swanky do in the city. She is in the lift of The Hilton Hotel and with her are two very beautiful and regal young women. The first one has a simply devine smelling perfume and our wee auld wummin sniffs the air appreciatively and ask the first young woman what the perfume is: "Chanel No 5, £70 pounds a bottle, John Lewis." she replies with more than just a little disdain in her arch tones.

The old lady turns to the second beauty and asks her about her perfume "Iyves St Laurent Nu, 80 pounds a bottle, Watt Brothers." she responds, even more snootily than the first one.

Just before they reach their floor, the wee auld Gorbals wummin bends over and drops the biggest fart you have ever heard. As the fumes engulf our two majestic young women, who are at gagging point with the stink, our we auld Gorbals wummin says as she departs the lift: "Economy Beans, 6 Tins Furra Pound, Lidls"

2007-11-18 20:54:23 · 4 answers · asked by bubbles 2

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten!
One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf”esteem!

How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!

Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!

One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner".
And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!

2007-11-18 20:43:38 · 2 answers · asked by bubbles 2

Two pros. were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told that they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail; just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," The officer smiled
"Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again, figuring he had an easy arrest he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels seeking Peter -- $50.00."

2007-11-18 20:24:31 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

2007-11-18 20:14:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo momma so hairy she Chewbacca’s stunt double
Yo momma so fat she make free Willy look like a TIC TAC
Yo momma so poor she can’t afford a free sample
Yo momma so poor she put a milkshake at McDonalds on lay by
Yo momma so dumb she tried to drown a fish
Yo momma so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone
Yo momma so dumb she tried to put m&m’s in alphabetical order
Yo momma so black she got marked absent at night school
Yo momma so fat she got more crack than Whitney and Bobby

I got these over the weeks of watching yo momma on MTV.. In Australia it's been taken off air for some reason but yeah i think their the funniest!

2007-11-18 19:51:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

2007-11-18 19:31:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher. In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn’t sleep. She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button…and she said “NO”. “But my mommy lets me do it when I can’t sleep and it helps.” So the teacher says ” okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do.” and a few minutes later the teacher says “OH…that not my bellybutton.” And Johhny says, “thats not my finger.”

2007-11-18 19:22:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.



The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...



"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

2007-11-18 19:10:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**********

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

**********

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential

Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!

if u like it plz add stars,thanx=)

2007-11-18 18:07:34 · 10 answers · asked by muskaan 4