Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."





So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.





They moused.





They faxed.





They e-mailed.





They e-mailed with attachments.





They downloaded.





They did spreadsheets!





They wrote reports.





They created labels and cards.





They created charts and graphs.





They did some genealogy reports





They did every job known to man.





Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.





Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:





"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"





Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.





Satan observed this and became irate.





"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!


How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"





God just shrugged and said,





"JESUS SAVES"

2007-11-19 06:38:59 · 14 answers · asked by DEL H 3

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.

“Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“

“Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?”

“Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…"

2007-11-19 06:37:38 · 11 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Three men at the doctors. One is a drinker, another a smoker and the third is gay.
The doctor tells them if they don't stop their bad habits they will die.
On the way home they pass a pub, and the drinker says I need a drink. I don't care if I die. With that he has a drink and drops dead.
The other two continue on. The smoker spots a still burning cigarette butt on the floor.
The gay man says''If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.''

2007-11-19 06:20:45 · 23 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

why do men have great

ideas when they are


making love ?



coz they are plugged


into a genius!




MMMM APPARENTLY !

2007-11-19 06:05:08 · 16 answers · asked by SPUDULIKE 3

A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders a vanilla cone, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and asks, “What do you want, Fathead?”

The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his actions, to which the man replies, “There are three things a man wants in life:

1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn truck in town;

2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county; and

3) A tight woman. Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came along…”

2007-11-19 06:04:15 · 17 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. "Easy, " she replied. "He only has one eye." The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. "He only has one ear, " was her answer. "What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer." After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses." This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!" "Well, " she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

2007-11-19 05:48:29 · 21 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.

Johnny asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?"

"Well they are making puppies," his dad says.

The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, "Hey they are making puppies!"

That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, "What are you two doing?"

"Well we are making you a baby sister," said his dad.

"No no no" yells Johnny, "roll her over and make me some puppies!"

2007-11-19 05:34:49 · 22 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A homeless man runs out of cigarettes. He looks for cigarette butts since he knows that he can make one new cigarette out of every three butts. He picks up nine butts. If he smokes one cigarette per hour, how many hours can he smoke for?

2007-11-19 04:35:40 · 11 answers · asked by Jucme07 1

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!

Thanks

2007-11-19 04:13:51 · 8 answers · asked by Vanka 3

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."
A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.
The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"


Thanks For Enjoying!

2007-11-19 04:12:19 · 11 answers · asked by Vanka 3

If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.

Thanks for reading it!!!

2007-11-19 04:07:51 · 5 answers · asked by Vanka 3

1.Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?

Yep… It runs in the jeans!

2.What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer!

3.What did Mother broom say to Baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.

4.This little boy was at school one day and had to use the bathroom really bad. So he raised his hand and told the teacher he had to use the bathroom really bad. She said ok well let me hear your ABC 'S first so he started saying them " A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z and the teacher said that 's great but where 's the P at he said it 's running down my leg!

2007-11-19 04:06:53 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which vegitable needs a plumber a lieek. any good?

2007-11-19 04:00:20 · 4 answers · asked by Phillip K 1

A Nun & a Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

2007-11-19 03:55:05 · 31 answers · asked by Freakin 6

There is a blond at her office and she recieves a phone call saying her father had died earlier that morning. She was very upset and her boss ran into the room saying, "That's terrible! You don't have to stay here, it's not right. Go home, comfort your family." The blond says between sniffles, "No but thankyou for the offer. I'll stay here and try to keep my mind of it." After lunch the blond's boss comes in to check on her. He is most shocked when he sees her more upset that she was earlier that same day. "What's the matter?!" asked the boss in a shock. "Well I just called my sister, and her dad's died too!"

2007-11-19 03:52:55 · 21 answers · asked by Freakin 6

http://clk.atdmt.com/BTS/go/rbndcbs70020000003bts/direct/01/

im not spamming im not telling u to buy these i just thought they were funny

2007-11-19 03:43:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is this funny i cracked up.

Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx?adjustDate=22

2007-11-19 03:40:22 · 5 answers · asked by Chris 3

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

from---
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx?adjustDate=11

2007-11-19 03:24:35 · 11 answers · asked by Chris 3

Before he went home after a night duty, the guard told his boss not to go on a plane trip in the afternoon because that night he dreamt of a tragedy that will happened. The plane will crash and no one will survive. The boss cancelled his trip. True, the plane crashed. So the boss summoned the guard to his office, thanked him profusely, gave him a bonus and fired him.
Question: Why did the boss fired the guard who saved his life?

2007-11-19 03:17:37 · 11 answers · asked by Boomer 1

a man was driving in the country one day when he lost his way.he saw an old man sitting on the porch so he pulled over to get directions.do you know where route 50 is,he asked.nope said the old man.do you know wher state highway 1 is,the man asked.nope,said the old man.do you know where the next street is asked the man .the old man looked at him and said,nope.well,what do you know asked the man.well said said the old man,i know i ain't lost.

2007-11-19 03:06:05 · 1 answers · asked by DEL H 3

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Pls star it you liked it. Thx.

2007-11-19 02:41:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back
yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her
unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing
him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him
why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that
he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk




Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the
vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter

2007-11-19 02:28:15 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

That taste funny.

2007-11-19 02:24:11 · 4 answers · asked by 2gadoo 5

Mrs. Suzie had a sailboat, the sailboat had a bell
The sailboat went to heaven, Mrs. Suzie went to hell - operator, give me number 9, if you disconnect me, i'll kick you in the behind the fridgerator, there was a piece of glass, Suzie fell upon it and broke her little as-k me no more questions, tell me no more lies, the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flies are in the meadows, bees are in the park, Mrs. Suzies in the bathroom kissing in the D-A-R-K dark dark dark.


Whats Next?

2007-11-19 02:19:24 · 4 answers · asked by I ? my assets. 4

there was a millionaire that had a dumb and ugly daughter,that he wanted to marry off.she was so ugly he decided he would pay someone to marry her.so he stood on the side of the street and asked the 1st man "will u marry my daughter for 1 million dollars?"and showed the man a pic of her he said"no way"well,a second man(that was very poor) came down the road and he asked him if he would marry his daughter he said "no"and started to walk off then he thought of what he could do with all that money so he asked to see the picture again,and said"well i gueess i could put a bag over her head"
a few years later the man decided to build a house with the money and he and his wife where on the roof putting shingles on and he told her" get me the hammer", since she was slow and would not forget she walked off saying" get him the hammer,get him the hammer",and brought him the hammer.he said "get me the nails "so,she walked off saying" get him the nails,get him the nails "and brought him the nails.

2007-11-19 01:28:58 · 16 answers · asked by jesse m_violated for nothing 3

is so popular why do u have to buy her friends?

2007-11-19 01:18:00 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a squirrel, a dog, a cat, me, my grandma, you, and yo momma?

2007-11-19 00:56:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry...Affair #1 got a violation...the trolls are out.

The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Pls star if you liked this one. Thx.

2007-11-19 00:54:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Bra Types

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

2007-11-19 00:51:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'll be much more likely to give it if I'm not asked. If your question or answer deserves it, you'll get it. Everyone on here knows how it works.

I know this isn't a "Jokes" question, but this is where I see it the most.......SO, Here's a Joke:

A man had 6 children, & was so proud that, despite his wife's objections, he started calling her "mother of 6" in public. One night the couple went to a party. When the husband was ready to go home, he called out, "Shall we leave now, mother of 6?" Annoyed by his indiscretion, she answered, "Ready when you are, father of 4!"

2007-11-19 00:39:51 · 17 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7