Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

2007-11-18 10:53:05 · 12 answers · asked by pd6491 2

She said ok. We went to my place, we had a smoking hot argument about an answer on Jeopardy and went to bed at 9.

2007-11-18 10:45:48 · 11 answers · asked by Rick H 5

The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

Pls star if you like it. Thx.

2007-11-18 10:44:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Pls star it you liked it. Thx.

2007-11-18 10:42:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Pls star if you liked it. Thanx.

2007-11-18 10:41:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Pls star if you liked this one. Thx.

2007-11-18 10:39:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Pls star if you liked this one. Thx.

2007-11-18 10:37:15 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"
His father replies "That's his trunk son."
"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back."
"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.
"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."
The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."
"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

2007-11-18 10:22:13 · 6 answers · asked by pd6491 2

irish guy walks into a pub. i'll have an orange juice please bartender..................still orange sir...................yes i haven't changed my f-ing mind

2007-11-18 10:14:17 · 9 answers · asked by boris the spider 5

After 3 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed
and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on toExplain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a
day.
25 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.
Additional Details
25 minutes ago

Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours? Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 day

2007-11-18 10:10:54 · 8 answers · asked by Purbasha 2

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

A mom is driving her little girl to a friends house, when the little girl asks...?

"how old are you?"
"Honey, you're not supposed to ask a lady her age" her mom warns. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really", the mother says, "these personal questions are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl then asks, "Why did you and daddy get divorced?"
"That's enough questions, honestly!" The mom walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything" the little girl tells her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know you're 32!."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How'd you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And", the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy divorced! Because you got an F in sex!"

2007-11-18 09:46:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

After 3 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed
and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on toExplain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a
day.

2007-11-18 09:44:01 · 6 answers · asked by Purbasha 2

Doesn`t sound like a question but you know what i mean


My first is in prison, and also in pin
My seconds in person, but isn`t in tin
My third is in Peter, but isn`t in Paul
My fourth is in Simon, and also in small
My fifth is in battle, but isn`t in men
My sixth is in gentle , and also in Ben
My sevenths in rabbit, but isn`t in rat
My eighths is in cattle, and also in cat
My ninth is in rattle, and also in rat
My tenth is in apple, and also in pear
My elevenths in Sonny, but isn`t in Cher
The whole is a person, who is good and is bad
He speaks of his mother, but never his dad.

2007-11-18 09:28:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dad wants to buy his girl a Barbie. He stops at toyshop&
sees a shoppin barbie,beach barbie an disco Barbie all priced £20 and divorced Barbie £300
Why is this so expensive?asks the man. assistant replies"cause divorced Barbie comes with kens car, houseboat,computer,furniture& one of his friends!!

2007-11-18 09:21:54 · 19 answers · asked by magiclady2007 6

After the operation, she was taken back to the ward and when she woke up there were three bunches of flowers with cards attached waiting for her.

The first was from her surgeon saying what a brave patient she was.

The second was from her husband saying what a wonderful wife she was.

The third was from Brian in the burns unit saying 'thanks for the new ears'.

2007-11-18 09:14:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

the shoes didn't have enough tongue.....haha

2007-11-18 03:41:26 · 8 answers · asked by He_Knows_Me 4

He went to the hospital to have surgery because he has no eyelids. The doctors amazingly took skin from his penis and they say the boy is doing fine he is just a little ******** now....hahaha

2007-11-18 03:40:26 · 6 answers · asked by He_Knows_Me 4

1000 muslims died on the way to mecca,



i love bingo

2007-11-18 03:37:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a big breasted woman works at Hooters then where does a one legged woman work at?













IHOP......haha

2007-11-18 03:23:09 · 26 answers · asked by He_Knows_Me 4

the doctor looks at his patients orange penis with puzelment and shakes his head,,does any one in your family have this? no says the man. do you work with chemicals ? no doctor iam unemployd .well asks the doctor what do you do all day?man replys not much .sit in, watch porn ,and eat wotsits....

2007-11-18 03:20:22 · 11 answers · asked by patto 1

what can go up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?

2007-11-18 03:17:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Blonde Inventions!

Tricycle kickstand
Fire proof matches
Inflatable dartboard
Glass hammer
Black light bulb
Boomerang grenade

Star my joke if you can!

2007-11-18 02:55:59 · 14 answers · asked by cutegir11 3

When people point at their watch asking for the time...I know where my watch is buddy, Do i point at my butt asking for the toilet?


I hate when people ask"can I ask you a question?"...well, you didn't give me much of a choice there, did ya?


What do people mean when they say "life is short?". life is the longest thing anyone ever does. What can you do that's longer?

2007-11-18 02:52:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

2007-11-18 02:44:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a long distance truck driver is on the road for weeks,so he pulls into a brothel throws a grand on the counter and says to the madam ;i would like the ugliest woman ,a bacon buttie and a cup of tea..the madam replys; sir for a grand you can have the most beautful women in our astablishment and our most expencive champage.the trucker says ; iam not horny iam just home sick.......

2007-11-18 02:41:38 · 8 answers · asked by patto 1

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, "I'm a Lark and I've been sparked"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says "I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!"

2007-11-18 02:38:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method.
They used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears were opened at that comment.

She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter than
she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.

2007-11-18 02:19:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think the chicken, any arguments

2007-11-18 02:10:12 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny's mom thought of what was perhaps the scariest costume ever thought up. Johnny wore the costume and every time he said trick or treat, the person opening the door would faint or cry out and slam the door shut, but they would only do this if they were an adult. The kids didnt know what it meant so they took it as a lame costume and gave the kid his candy.

What was Johnny for Halloween?


(IRS, of course.)


note: this idea was in a comic strip i read and im just making it into a joke

star if funny

2007-11-18 01:51:50 · 15 answers · asked by devildan1234 2

At some bar in da middle of no-wheresville, three friends are having a dring. Their names are Mr.Green, Mr.Red and Mr.Blue. One guy is wearing a blue suit one guy is wearing a red suit and one guy is wearing a green suit. The Guy in da blue suit goes, "Have you noticed that although our clothes correspond to our names, none of us is wearing a suit that matches our own name?" Mr.Red looks at the other two and says, "You are absolutley correct."

Which color suit is each man wearing?


please give a star if u like it

2007-11-18 01:03:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous