Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

2007-11-17 10:50:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.

Some drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you know that?"

The woman replied, "Real easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another, and they go to bed.

After the lovemaking, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The doctor was very surprised, and said, "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT sweetheart?"

The woman says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing."

2007-11-17 10:23:24 · 13 answers · asked by Freakin 6

a
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After thinking a few seconds, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

2007-11-17 09:50:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

no body get mad it's just a joke that my friend sent me( and yes to all the smartasses i know alot of blonds are smart)
once agian nobody get pissed

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

(give me a star if any of these were funny 2 u)

2007-11-17 09:49:51 · 11 answers · asked by Muscles 2

An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by a Herculean body builder.

"I'd like some information about the club."

"Well", says the body builder, "this is a great club. We have a number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience, and the fees are $5,000 per year."

"$5,000!!!!" the old man nearly passes out..

"We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of," says the body builder, "but before you enter you'll have to remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club."

The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, "why not."

The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager.

Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.

An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.

"You know," says the body builder, "you have a week to make up your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?"

The old man tells the story, "This place is great. I haven't had an experience like this in years."

Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair, he drops the cigar.

While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from behind by a homosexual. "Auuugh, Stop!!, Stop!!", screams the old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it's over.

The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his $5,000 back from the body builder.

"But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club. What has changed your mind?"

After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder begs the old man to reconsider. "Think about the women you can meet. "Don't let this one incident affect your decision."

"Son", says the old man, "I get an erection maybe once a month, but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!"

2007-11-17 09:48:26 · 5 answers · asked by Freakin 6

It's kinda akward, but I love bathroom humor and jokes. It makes me laugh. So, can you give me any good jokes? It can be short or REALLY long, I don't care. Links to funny bathroom pictures are kewl, too. If you hate bathroom humor, go to a new post.

2007-11-17 09:43:41 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

did you hear about the women who cooks ham and peas in the same pot....its very unhygeinic

2007-11-17 09:30:29 · 7 answers · asked by Sheila 3

1 male, 1 female. she turns to him and says 'look ive got a crack'. he replies ' no use telling me, im not even hard yet!'.

2007-11-17 09:27:26 · 16 answers · asked by mishnbong 6

just been the gym theres a new machine. Could only stay on it for an hour stated feeling sick. It's good though it does everything,



kitkats mars bars, snickers & crisps

2007-11-17 09:23:11 · 7 answers · asked by Tongue in cheeck 2

A man lay by the sewer, and by the sewer he died and at the coroners inquest they called it sewerside.

2007-11-17 09:02:04 · 14 answers · asked by Tongue in cheeck 2

3 words,

6 letters,


1 question.


guaranteed to


destroy a mans

confidence...........







IS IT IN ?

2007-11-17 08:42:20 · 20 answers · asked by SPUDULIKE 3

One night in a club little red riding hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading each other on they went back to his place. He asked her "come on just let me stick it in". Little red riding hood replied "Stick to the story mother fucker EAT ME!!!"

2007-11-17 08:39:59 · 23 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

Hey, the first to get at least 3 correct will be chosen as the best answer! Good Luck!!

1. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
2. What can you ctach but not throw?
3. What goes around the world but stays in a corner?
4.I am lighter than a feather, yet no man can hold me for very long. What am I?
5.Does the Moslem religion allow a man to marry his widow’s sister?
6.From what number can you take half and leave nothing?
7.How can you make a fire with only one stick?
8.There are two dogs sitting on a porch - one dog is fat and one is thin.

The little dog is the son of the fat dog, but the fat dog is not the father of the thin dog.
Can you explain?

2007-11-17 08:31:15 · 30 answers · asked by blue*dude 2

SIMON GOES SHOPPING

Simon goes into a supermarket and buys:

* one can of beans
* one bag of potato chips
* one pack of burgers
* one tub of icecream
* one cake
* one yogurt
* one pint of milk.
* one carrot
* one pack of burgers
* one loaf of bread

He takes them over to the checkout, and there is a really
pretty check-out operator.

She looks at what he has bought and smiles and says "You're
single, aren't you"

He is pleased at the attention and smiles back "Why yes, how
did you know?"

The girl replies: "Because you're an ugly b*stard!!

2007-11-17 08:25:55 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you keep a jack@ss at suspense?

I'll tell ya tommorrow.

2007-11-17 08:19:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a prompt visit to the surgery the husband was soon advised that it was infact "acute angina"

2007-11-17 07:55:38 · 10 answers · asked by meg 2

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

2007-11-17 07:53:28 · 14 answers · asked by Freakin 6

2007-11-17 07:41:32 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next
city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an
hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place
he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a
knocking on his window.

He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again
and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other
joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off
when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir? It's 8:45."

2007-11-17 07:34:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy lying is seriously injured after being hit by a car outside a church.
A man runs to him and says, "would you like me to fetch a priest, my son?"
The boy replies, "can't you see I'm dying? Sex is the last thing on my mind."

2007-11-17 07:29:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few drinks the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak to the Scouser.
Do you fancy a bl0w job? He whispers.
The Scouser picks up a bar stool and batters him to pulp, then kicks him out the door.
Barman comes over and said, "Gosh, that was a bit brutal-what did he say to you"?
"Dunno", replies the Scouser, something about a job.

2007-11-17 07:20:47 · 12 answers · asked by barnowl 4

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?""Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

2007-11-17 07:13:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office:I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

2007-11-17 07:11:52 · 9 answers · asked by Freakin 6

One day while little johnny was playing at the park he saw his daddy's car drive by and decided to follow it.When he finds the car he sees his Aunt Jane and his daddy Kissing,so excited he couldn't hold himself and ran home as fast as he can,when he made it home he ran inside and said MOMMY,MOMMY,I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND....his mom inturuped and said calm down johnny i wanna hear what u have to say but just say it slowly...,so Little Johnny Tells her:I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

2007-11-17 07:09:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts?!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. So they go into an alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

2007-11-17 07:09:03 · 18 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Poor Ole Bob

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to the local strip club for some fun.

The doorman greets them and says "Hey Bob, how ya doin?".

Bob's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no" replied Bob. "He's on my bowling team".

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly more uncomfortable and says "How did she know you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress at the golf club and I always have a Bud at the turn honey."

A stripper then come over to the table and throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over Bob and says " Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows her and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob desperately tries to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her voice calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob you picked up a real ***** this time!"

2007-11-17 07:04:50 · 8 answers · asked by Freakin 6

An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to mean pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What do you mean, wrong hole."

2007-11-17 07:00:33 · 7 answers · asked by Freakin 6

I work at a portrait studio for the Holiday season and we have to create a Christmas card to send to other studios and to the corporate office. We came up with (well i) doing a ginger bread house with everyone around in and poping their heads out of the side and putting the phrase "Bite Me" on it. Of course not meaning nething bad but it was funny. Well now they wana do the Gingerbread house still but the manager wont put that phrase on it so we need a cute funny (clean) saying to put on it. Any Ideas????????

2007-11-17 06:57:46 · 8 answers · asked by saa123456 1

Little Johnny was sitting on Santas lap.
Santa puts his fingers on Johnny's nose and says I bet your name is (spells it out) J.O.H.N.N.Y.
Yes it is. How did you know?
I'm Santa I know everything. I bet I know what you want for Xmas. He puts his fingers on Jonny's nose and says (spells out) B.I.K.E.
Yes, how do you know.
I'm Santa I know everything.
Little Johnny tries to get in on the act. ''I bet you like girls,'' he said to Santa.
Why, yes. Santa replied. How do you know?
Your fingers smell of pu-ssy., Said Little Johnny.

2007-11-17 06:56:35 · 8 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

2007-11-17 06:53:42 · 10 answers · asked by Freakin 6