Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped at the hair salon and asked for a haircut but told the hairdresser she couldn't take off the headphones, the hairdresser sain "no" so the blonde left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing this hairdresser said "ok".
After a while the blonde fell asleep in the chair so the hairdresser removed the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what had happened the hairdresser put on the headphones, they were saying " breathe in, breathe out"
No offence to any blondes i'm one myself just thought this was funny!!

2007-11-16 22:48:21 · 16 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter
shed.


"Tommy, " she said, "I'm not eating
any more chicken sandwiches."


"Why?" he asked.


"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down
here, " she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.



"I don't believe you, " he said. "You'll
have to show me."


Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.



"You're right, " he said. "I've
been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting
feathers too."


"Well, I'd better have a look, " she said.



After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh,
I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck
and giblets too."

2007-11-16 22:47:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher asks class to think of a word and then put it in a sentence.
Johnny puts up his hand and says "UR*NATE"
Teacher is shocked but says can you put that in a sentence?
Johnny says, "My Dad says you're an eight but if you had bigger t*ts you'd be a ten."

2007-11-16 22:45:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Carl, who has been very sick is visiting his doctor to get
the results of a battery of tests. "What are my chances
of recovering, Doc?" he asks.


"One hundred percent, " the doctor assures
him.


"That's a relief, " Carl says. "But
how can you be so sure?"


"Well, " the doctor says, "statistics
show that nine out of every 10 patients with your disease
will die. Yours is the 10th case I've treated. The others
have all died. So you are bound to get well."

2007-11-16 22:39:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOCIAL SECURITY S*X
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security s*x?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD S*X
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET S*X
Tired of a listless s*x life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

2007-11-16 22:35:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary,
we hear you coming."


2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced
people."


3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd
salesman , and the 2nd one just left."


4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes,
Sit ! Stay!"


5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted
if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will
be."


6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick
byte."


7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there
and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."


8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need
to hear a pin drop."


9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."


10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory,
growing wise is optional

2007-11-16 22:34:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their
job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.



The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his
supervisor the situation.


The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't
worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each
other until they arrive."

2007-11-16 22:31:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cat and a horse are walking through the forest. Suddenly
the cat slips into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!",
says the cat, "Quick, run home, get the ferari, cruise
back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in so you can pull
me out."


"No way.", exclaimed the horse, "There
isn't enough time. I'll back up, get a running
start, jump over the pit while my di*k drags in the quicksand.
You can grab it and I'll pull you out."


"That'll never work!", said the cat.


"Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't
have much of a choice."


"OK, dude, go for it."


The horse backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second,
he jumped and let his di*k drag in the quicksand. As it passed
the cat, the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled
out of the quicksand.


The moral of this story? If you're hung like a horse,
you don't need a ferrari to get a little pus*y.

2007-11-16 22:31:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when
a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal
in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.


"No, not worth it!"


"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"


"No, not worth it!"


"OK, 20?"


"No, not worth it!"


"How about 10?"


"No, not worth it!"


"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you
say they are not worth it?"


"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

2007-11-16 22:30:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

For some time many of us have wondered
just who Jack Schitt is. We find ourselves at a loss when
someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt!!"


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts you
can now respond in an intelligent way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Ave Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate married O. Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N. Schitt Inc. and had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt,
the deeply religious couple produced six children, Hollie , Giva , Fulla , Bull and the twins Deep and Dip. After
15 years Noe and Jack divorced. Noe Schitt later married
Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She then became Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

2007-11-16 22:14:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answers at the end,read it all,not as dirty as some may think

1. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two
of?
2. What can you find in a man's trousers that is about six
inches long and has a head on it? (Hint: Teenage girls love
these so much that they'll often blow them without
even thinking about it!)
3. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
4. Name a four letter word that ends in u-n-t which may be
the name for a member of your family.
5. What is hard, six inches long, has nuts, and can make a
girl fat?


6. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom
of bird cages?


7. What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?
8.A finger fits inside it, you might fiddle with it if you're
bored and the best man gets it first.





9. What is it that all men have one of; some men have longer
ones than others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man
gives it to his wife after they're married?

2007-11-16 22:11:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.

The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

2007-11-16 22:01:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.


Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated
this morning."


"I don't believe you, " replies Dolly.



"It's true, no bull!"

2007-11-16 22:00:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A company hierarchy is like a tree full of monkeys. When the monkeys at the top of the tree look down, they see only smiling faces.
When the monkeys at the bottom of the tree look up, they only see a$$h0les...

2007-11-16 21:58:33 · 8 answers · asked by Pixel 4

Men are like newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking
up their crap.


Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.



Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.


Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.


Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.



Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to
work.


Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.


Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.


Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them
around.


Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.



Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything
you hear.

2007-11-16 21:57:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Englishman says "Ye Ole James Pub is the best place in the world. After the fifth drink, the sixth is on the house!"
The Scot says "Ian's Place has James' place beat. When you buy four, the fifth one is free!"
The Irishman says "That's nothing! At O'malleys, all the drinks are free! You can drink whatever you want...as much as you want. Then, when you're on the verge of passing out, they take you upstairs and you have all kids of free sex!"
The Englishman and the Scot don't believe a word of it. "Have you ever been there yourself?" they ask.
"No, but my sister goes all the time!"

2007-11-16 21:56:13 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Filming in Scotland can be a difficult task given the ever-changing patterns of weather - as the old saying goes - want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!

A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by

"Tommorow rain." he informed them and hobbled on

Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past.

"Tomorrow sunshine." he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day,

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be.

But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy

"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up."

"Radio broken." the old man replied.

2007-11-16 20:10:53 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

first to answer correctly gets 10 points, the question is what holds an item but messes up a computer when close to it.

2007-11-16 17:13:29 · 14 answers · asked by John M4 3

Best answer for correct answer.

2007-11-16 16:48:04 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem ?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too !"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal : "What is 3 x 3 ?"

Harry : "9."

Principal : "What is6 x 6 ?"

Harry : "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal," Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into ?"

Harry : "Pants."

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?"

Harry :" Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :" What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks : "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs ?"

Harry : "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement ?"

Harry : "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher," Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

2007-11-16 15:51:20 · 34 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.


The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement.


As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied... "Things aren't always what they seem".


The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.


After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.


The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."


"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.


Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."


*********


Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

2007-11-16 15:49:54 · 10 answers · asked by muskaan 4

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.


The next day, he brought a small sign that

read:


"I'm the Boss!"


He then taped it to his office door.


Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:



"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

2007-11-16 15:44:04 · 23 answers · asked by muskaan 4

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.


As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.


With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"


Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"





"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.


"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"


"Oh come on!


There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".


"No way, it's just too risky!"


"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".


"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".


"Oh yes you can. Please?"


"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and


The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,


"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....


TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

2007-11-16 15:40:05 · 15 answers · asked by muskaan 4

I understand how sissors can beat paper, and i get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no freakin way paper can beat rock, is paper supposed to magically wrap around a rock and leave it immoble? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why cant paper do this to people? Why arent sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? i'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that **** up in 2 seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors, I walways choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh **** I am sorry, I thought paper wound protect you, you a$$hole

2007-11-16 15:33:05 · 10 answers · asked by noodle_stupot 3

ok so there were three old ladies their names were Ann, Carol,and Stacy. One day they thoght it might be fun to go bunji jumping off a mountain .So they went up on this mountain with their guide. "where is the bunji ropes",asked Ann. "there is none",said the guide"this is a magig mountain. you jump off and say something and you will turn into it." "ok ",said Ann.
Ann jumps off the mountain and says eagle and she turns into an eagle. Carol jumps off the mountain and says seagull and she flies away as a seagull. Stacy decides to take a running start ,trippes on a rock ,falls off and says OH CRAP

if you thought this was funny give some stars thanks

2007-11-16 15:14:18 · 16 answers · asked by rachael 1

Ok this one is old but still funny to me...

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html

2007-11-16 15:09:20 · 14 answers · asked by Courtney 3

What is an indecisive, dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac most likely to be doing? 10 points if you get it first!

2007-11-16 14:45:49 · 9 answers · asked by ame dragonfly 3

A wonderful story




A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."


"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.


"No", she replied. "He's out."





"Then we cannot come in", they replied.


In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.


"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"


The woman went out and invited the men in"


"We do not go into a House together," they replied.


"Why is that?" she asked.


One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."


The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"


His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"


Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"


"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.


"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."


The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."


Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, t he lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"


The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"

2007-11-16 14:41:42 · 15 answers · asked by muskaan 4

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

2007-11-16 14:39:19 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

a lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.


"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.


She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.


I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."


"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "


if u like it don't forget to add stars=)
thanx.......

2007-11-16 14:34:25 · 3 answers · asked by muskaan 4