Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

When I was in grade school, I was much cooler than the other kids. And the teachers, they couldn't touch me! One day, my math teacher caught me screwin around and said, "hey Dice, whats the difference between 2/8ths and 3/8ths"? I said, "that's what I say sweatheart, whats the f'in difference!"

2007-11-16 11:09:56 · 3 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

My friend said he accidently wrote this big elephants could always use some exerise. When all he wrote was because.
Do you think it`s funny

2007-11-16 11:05:49 · 40 answers · asked by ? 2

Three guys go on a skiing trip for the weekend. They're really excited, and when they walk into their ski lodge, the first thing they notice is there's only 1 bed! They discuss it for a while and decide, hell, its cold, we're tired, and we need to get to bed so we can hit the slopes in the morning! So they decide to all sleep in the bed. In the morning, as they wake up, the guy on the left said, "hey guys, I had the most amazing dream last night. I had a dream someone was pulling my ****! The guy on the right jumped up and said, "oh my god, I had the same dream, it seemed so real!" The guy in the middle said, "I had a dream I was skiing - shwi, shwi, swhi".

2007-11-16 11:02:37 · 8 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

which if you think about it, is kinda stupid... If the first guy walked into it the 2nd guy should have seen it.

2007-11-16 10:51:43 · 12 answers · asked by djshiggles 3

and says to the bartender "do you want to hear a really good blonde joke?" the bartender says "Listen mate I wouldn't if I were you! see that blonde chick in the corner? She is the world female arm wrestling champ! And see the blonde over playing pool? She happens to be the wrld's strongest woman! And that blonde sitting at the end of the bar is the female world champion shot-putter!"
The guy says"I don't think I'll bother if I have to explain it three times"

2007-11-16 10:46:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

there r a blonde brunette and a red head they r running from the cops and they red head hid in a bush they cops went by an the red head said meow meow and then the brunette is in a tree and the cops go by and they say anyone outhere and the she says tweet tweet and then the blonde was in a potatoe field and they go by the field and the cops say anyone out there and the blonde say potatoe potatoe

2007-11-16 10:44:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hot blonde chick is driving home after a night out on the town. A cop notices her driving erradically, and pulls her over. She rolls down the window, and as soon as she begins to talk, the cop cuts her off and says, "look lil' lady, I can already tell you've had waaay to much to drink tonight! There's only one thing that will get you outta this one!", and he unzipps his pants. The blonde girl looks down, and then back up at the cop confused. She says, "I don't understand officer! Two guys at the bar just gave me a breathalyzer and they both said I was fine to drive"!

2007-11-16 10:40:23 · 7 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in
Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their Cows to increase
their herd.

The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and Goes to Texas to buy
a bull. She eventually meets with an old Cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's
the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes
to The local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a Telegram to my friend
in Louisiana. That says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the
Trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. is
$.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides.
"I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm
Sorry miss, but how is your friend going to understand this Telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads real slow, when she gets
this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

2007-11-16 10:33:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

2007-11-16 10:30:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

to the Doctor's with a bit of Lettuce hanging out of her asss. Doctor says "oh that looks nasty". "Nasty" she replies, "this is the tip of the iceberg".

2007-11-16 10:12:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocks on her wooden table for good measure." She then yells,”I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn’t it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer.
WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself she must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing It.! She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,” Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.",
He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!!

2007-11-16 10:09:49 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".



A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

2007-11-16 10:02:41 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points to the person who answers it correct first.

2007-11-16 09:51:30 · 20 answers · asked by lalala 3

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said... "Clean my house."

2007-11-16 09:45:27 · 22 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her p*ssy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped
and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my p*ssy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

2007-11-16 09:42:55 · 18 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the copilot, "I think I'll go take a sh*t and then f*el up that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a sh*t first."

2007-11-16 09:40:51 · 10 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A couple have been dating for quite some time. He wanted her in the worst way, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he was all hot and bothered; and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel" She replied, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage." So he put his hand down her panties and took a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asked, " Can't we PLEASE?" She of course stated, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He begged, "Please, please?" and she answered, "No, no, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He suggested, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She said, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage." He begged and pleaded with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that." She finally gave in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all." He agreed, pulled down her panties and put the tip in... the sensation made him lose control and he shoved it all the way in, and he started pumping like crazy... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT ALL WAY IN!" A little stunned, he said, "NO, absolutely not, a deal's a deal!"

2007-11-16 09:39:01 · 12 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-11-16 09:35:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
Why doesn't flavored gum turn your mouth that color?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?

2007-11-16 09:28:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doc says I's impotant, so I's gonna look impotant!

2007-11-16 09:21:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer these riddles, first one to get them all gets 10 points:

1. What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?
2. Forward I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I?
3. What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in?
4. How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
5. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

2007-11-16 09:14:00 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, she thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.


LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

2007-11-16 08:49:51 · 17 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

Little Johnny is playing with his train set.
''All you S.O.B's gettin on, get on. All you S.O.B's gettin off, get off.''
Mum was walking past and heard him. '' Get upstairs and think about what you just said''.
A few hours later she called him down and said he could play with his trains again.
Johnny started to play. ''All you S.O.B's gettin on, get on. All you S.O.B's gettin off, get off. All you S.O.B's p1ssed of about the delay, speak to the ***** in the kitchen.''

2007-11-16 08:39:46 · 9 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTUMER: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTUMER: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTUMER: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTUMER: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTUMER: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTUMER: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTUMER: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTUMER: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTUMER: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTUMER: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTUMER: You recommended something?
to be continued...

2007-11-16 08:07:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-16 08:07:13 · 7 answers · asked by Raalnan5 2

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

2007-11-16 08:02:50 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

KANGAROO BALLS

Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the
kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the
size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to
the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and
gave his 'nads a squeeze.

The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and
bounded away down the path.

A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up
to the woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"

"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!"
she wailed.

"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better
tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker"!

2007-11-16 07:59:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the
first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for
sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held
on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

2007-11-16 07:58:54 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

why is harry potter so unrealistic??
its got a ginger with two friends in it

3 couples, a young couple, a middle aged couple and an old couple were all trying 2 get in2 ther local church. but the priest met them at the door and said, you can only join the mass if you can abstain from sex for the next 2weeks
so 2weeks l8r back come the couples and the priest asks them if they had sex or not. " no" answers the old couple " that was an easy test, we havnt had sex for 2years let alone 2weeks" the middle age couple said they found it hard but just managed it the last couple to be quizzed wer the young couple. " did u manage it?" asked the priest. " well. no says the young husband " u see, my wife was trieng to reach the can on the topshelf but nocked it off, so when she bent down to pick it up her *** was just ther and i couldnt help myself i took her ther and then" " u do realise u r banned frm the church now dont you?" sed the priest "yes we're banned from the suprmrkt as well"

2007-11-16 07:53:37 · 10 answers · asked by brizzlecity4life 2

Mum and dad decide to have venison and give some to little Johnny and Katie, who've never had it before.
LJ: Whats this meat?
Dad: Why don't you try to guess.
Katie: Is it pork?
Dad: No.
Johnny: Is it Lamb?
Dad: NO.
Johnny: Well what is it then?
Dad: Its something your mother calls me sometimes.
Johnny: Quick Katie, spit it out. We're eating asshole.

2007-11-16 07:47:06 · 13 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4