Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A guy saw another guy playing a flute, he said "My! that's a strange flute I've never seen one like that before, where did you get it?" the other guy said "It's a bulls penis, I bought it from the abattoir, they drill holes in them and sell them as flutes." "Really!" said the man "Would they sell me one? they look really classy" "I think they would" said the man. So off he trots to the abattoir and sees the foreman. "Gday" he said, "Could you sell me one of those bulls penises you make into flutes?" "Just a minute" said the foreman "I'll have a look and see if we have any left" He came back shortly and said "Sorry mate, we have not killed any bulls today, only cows, how about a mouth organ?"

2007-11-15 21:25:46 · 10 answers · asked by wheeliebin 6

Mr. & Mrs. Smith had been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith came home from work and said to his blonde wife that he had invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

Mrs. Smith was a bit apprehensive and asked if she must cook a meal for the four. Mr. Smith explained that there would be eight coming because each would bring his wife or a date. Since this was there first party, he consoled her by saying that all she has to do was get some Chinese food in and perhaps she could bake a cake. This sounded like a good idea, and they sat down and decided what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning his wife called the office in tears. She explained that the only cake recipe she had would only feed six.

Her hubby said, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"

She decided that was a good idea.

At four, hubby got another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," the wife weeped. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, the recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?

"Yes -- Then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby said rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," sobbed his wife, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

2007-11-15 21:13:06 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Difference Between Work and Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own bathroom.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have Managers.

2007-11-15 21:11:17 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

2007-11-15 21:10:22 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Love Lines?

I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

2007-11-15 21:09:25 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

2007-11-15 21:08:32 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Your big toes have two bones each while The rest have three.
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

2007-11-15 21:07:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

• Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
• Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
• Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
• Rottweiler: Make me.
• Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
• Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
• Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
• Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
• Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
• Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
• Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
• Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
• Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
• Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
• Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
• Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
• Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
• Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
• German Shepherd: All right, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
• Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

and (of course) .. the Cat's perspective,
• Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

2007-11-15 21:07:28 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Three guys are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the first guy says, "Yes, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the next guy says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the last guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replied the last guy, "but it happened to my sister!

2007-11-15 21:05:01 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

2007-11-15 20:56:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

2007-11-15 20:43:51 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around
and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe "

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy
turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there
are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting....

"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

2007-11-15 20:18:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay. So Xena and Gabrielle are talking.

Gabrielle: Xena....?
Xena: Hmm??
Gabrielle: I was just thinking....it's almost Winter Soltice. What will you wish for?
Xena: Me? What more could I want? I've got you, Herc and Iolaus, Joxer.... Argo Jr... You guys are everything I need.
Xena paused.
Xena: All I want right now is peace on earth--good will to men, you know? That stuff....
Gabrielle: Hah! Yeah, right! You'd die of boredom, Xena!

2007-11-15 19:59:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it that all men have one of. It's longer on some men
than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?

2007-11-15 19:39:10 · 7 answers · asked by Quiet Within 2

A puzzle :- What comes in hard, and pink in colour, and came out supple and sticky....

2007-11-15 19:21:22 · 16 answers · asked by Quiet Within 2

An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives
because she can see and he rides because he can hear.



After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper.



She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers
license and vehicle registration please."



The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"



The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her
license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually,
the worse piece of a*s I ever had was in Chicago!"



The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"

2007-11-15 18:45:33 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.


They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath.

The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

2007-11-15 18:42:11 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes? Both of them.


2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.


3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not
one will stop to ask directions.


4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a
one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.


5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys
two cases of beer.


6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The
bonds eventually mature.


7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.


8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.


9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.


10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night? A widow.


11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single
women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.

2007-11-15 18:39:00 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

2007-11-15 17:30:14 · 16 answers · asked by Capt. Jack Sparrow 3

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-11-15 16:53:29 · 26 answers · asked by ashley j 6

IM wondering how people do this.
ive seen other people get this
i know how to whistle loudly with my fingers in my mouth
but how do you do it without?
the kind of whistle that people use when trying to get other peoples attention.

2007-11-15 16:41:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.


The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."


The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.






The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

.
.
.
.
.
.


He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".


if u like it plz add stars too

thanx=)

2007-11-15 16:37:20 · 10 answers · asked by muskaan 4

What's the joke? I can't remember how to set it up. There is a guy who is somehow "on trial" or something and, even though he protests, various animals are testifying against him. The horse and bear and whatever all have their say and all he can say is that it must be some kind of trick. But when the sheep takes the stand, he changes his tactic and says, "Don't listen to sheep. Sheep lie."

How does this joke really go?

Thanks!

2007-11-15 16:29:06 · 4 answers · asked by Picture Taker 7

The best sidesplitting answer gets 10 points:

1. She asked: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said: __________________



2. He asked: Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said: _________________________________

2007-11-15 16:20:33 · 4 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

2007-11-15 16:06:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room ' s only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

?

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.


The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.


The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.
Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.


As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.


One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.



Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind ' s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.



Days, weeks and months passed.


One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.


As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.



Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.



The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.


She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

2007-11-15 16:02:39 · 23 answers · asked by muskaan 4

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
She replied, "You're going to die."

2007-11-15 15:59:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO THIS RIDDLE:

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-11-15 15:45:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay I just posted a sad story so I want to post a funny story.

Okay so during the fires in California my freind told me that his freind was evacuating and so he threw his school books fifty feet away from his house so that they would burn, when he got back, the fire burned a 30 ft. circle around his books, joined together again and burned a 50ft. circle around his house, and joined together agian! He was so mad in a funny way!

2007-11-15 14:50:48 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day,
there was a girl named, jessica
and a boy named Peyton
there were goin out to the movies
but before jessica went out,
her mother grabbed her arm and said,
jess.... if he tries to kiss u, say dont
if u want something.... say please
if he tries to touch ur boob say stop
and after u got what u want after please, say thanku.
so at the middle of a romantic movie, jess said...PLEASE pass the popcorn. and as he hands her the popcorn he tries to kiss her. DONT jess said. so he tried to touch her boob,
STOP she said. And so peyton hands her the popcorn finally and keeps on contineuing. THANK YOU jess said. so jess kept on continueting to say that, till the end of the movie.
when jess got home, he mom asked... so what did u say when he tried to kiss u, touch ur boob----
i said, please,don't stop.
the end
please check a star if u like it.

2007-11-15 14:39:33 · 4 answers · asked by ~ya holla bug~ 2