Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said: "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you'd like to stay but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 6 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you've been here for 6 years now. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that." the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 6 years, Sister Mary was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary .

"Cold food," said Sister Mary and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 18th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit." said Sister Mary

"It's probably best.", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but b!tch since you got here

2007-11-16 07:45:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Single women come home, look whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, look whats in bed and go to the fridge.

2007-11-16 07:42:07 · 26 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Pls star if you like it. Thx.

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered,
"An apple."

The teacher replied,
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" Billy asks.

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
"Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies.
"It's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries.
"That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny.
"It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

2007-11-16 07:39:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

Star If You Like it. thx.

2007-11-16 07:35:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"


Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

2007-11-16 07:32:42 · 26 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-11-16 07:29:49 · 8 answers · asked by bowie1 2

that goes through a flies mind when it hits your windscreen?


10pts to first correct ans

2007-11-16 07:16:05 · 9 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Papa mole, Mama mole, baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
Papa mole stuck his head out of the hole and said ''Mmmmmm, I smell sausages.''

Mama squeezed her head through the hole and said ''Mmmm I smell pancakes''.

Baby mole tried to squeeze his head trhough the hole as well but there was no toom. He said ''Well all I smell is molasses.''

2007-11-16 07:04:27 · 6 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Man and wife in bar are talking.
Wife: I think I'd like bigger breasts. I think I'll have plastic surgery.
Man: I know how you can get bigger breasts without the surgery.
Wife: How?
Man: Just rub toilet paper between them everyday.
Wife: how will that help?
Man Well, it worked on your @rse.

2007-11-16 06:58:19 · 4 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

how about two in a whole and four in a pair, six in a trio ans eight is a quartet and all you need is the name for just one of me and the answer is 4 letters

2007-11-16 06:56:17 · 2 answers · asked by nellielover2000 1

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

If you can't figure this out you would have to give me a star,But the first person gets a thumbs up and best answer.

2007-11-16 06:41:06 · 30 answers · asked by daydreamer_qt 3

2007-11-16 06:35:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Uday returns with a loose fish in one hand and a few chips in the other.
Saddam: ''what are you carrying them like that for?''
Uday: ''Sorry, no Baghdad.''

2007-11-16 06:01:48 · 9 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

this is just a joke for lesbians and gay.(nice answer only please)

2007-11-16 06:01:18 · 3 answers · asked by @NGEL B@BY 7

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the
local Chinese laundry. She wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with
the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean
laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ***!!"

2007-11-16 05:50:56 · 15 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

What's the funniest / shortest / silliest joke (must be the same joke) that you know? Keep it clean or at least PG-13 -- they're always funnier anyway.

Here's mine:
Q: What goes, "ha ha ha bonk"?
A: A man laughing his head off.

2007-11-16 05:49:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home

2007-11-16 05:39:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

FANTASTIC PERSONAL ADS

And who said all the good ones were taken ?

----------------------------------------------------

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interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes,
Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on
Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

------------------------------------------------------

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by
long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable
woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of
hatchet-faced bitches.

------------------------------------------------------

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed
and shitty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy
lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

------------------------------------------------------

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp
cottage in the **** end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21
year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

------------------------------------------------------

Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady,
for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing,
romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries
at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

-----------------------------------------------------

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes,
seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM
and 11:30 PM.

-----------------------------------------------------

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old
double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has
an open-minded twin sister.

2007-11-16 05:28:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store.

A kind old neighbour woman,MariBeth, mistook Joe for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

2007-11-16 05:19:27 · 14 answers · asked by Freakin 6

this bride on her wedding night
says to her husband i must tell
you i used to be a hooker
hubby says whats in the past
stays in the past i still love you,
but she says my name was
nigel and i played for wigan

2007-11-16 05:16:10 · 8 answers · asked by SPUDULIKE 3

A man has to go out of town for a trip so he goes out of town and sends a letter saying "honey please dont cheat on me". so he goes home a couple of days later and sees his wife in bed with another man he gets mad and yells DAMM IT!!! I KNEW I SHOULDVE SENT THE LETTER SOONER!!! SHE DIDNT RECIEVE MY LETTER YET!!!

2007-11-16 04:59:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

2007-11-16 04:57:23 · 18 answers · asked by Freakin 6

I took my dad to the mall the other day. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response -

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

2007-11-16 04:49:10 · 13 answers · asked by she_sucks@life 3

Little Johnny's mom was worried about her son because he was hopeless in his studies especially math and failing his tests. To improve his math, his mom tried so many places for private tutoring but nothing changed his grades.

Then his mom met a Priest of a nearby church and told him about her son's problem. The priest said
"Oh, don't worry we have special classes right here in the church for poor academic students.''

She decided to give it a shot and sent little Johnny for the classes.

From day of his first session, little Johnny surprised everyone with his drastic improvement in his academics and got A's even in math.

His mom happy, yet shocked asked him 'What gave you this sudden boost? Is it the teachers?'

"No" Johnny replied

"Then was it the environment or was it your new friends you made?''

''No..'' he replied.

''Then what was it?'' she asked curiously.


''Well, when I saw the man nailed to the 'plus sign', I realized they MEANT business.''

2007-11-16 04:43:02 · 11 answers · asked by cRedible!!! 5

. When I told mine that my daughter was expecting twins she said her,s was expecting triplets and it only happened every 20 000 conceptions.
I said when does she have time to do the houswark

2007-11-16 04:35:20 · 5 answers · asked by jayjay 2

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

2007-11-16 04:32:24 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was
all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was
with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy
that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband
claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one
question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I
think we found the guy who pi*sed in your saxophone!"

2007-11-16 04:04:57 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

while walking across a bridge I saw a boats full of people. Yet on the boats there wasn't a single person. Why??

2007-11-16 04:03:25 · 5 answers · asked by Nelson Z 1

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will
remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way "Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment , it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.!!!!!!!!

2007-11-16 04:03:24 · 25 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel
room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a
bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd
be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
the Marine explained. "I went over, woke him up and gave him
a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat
up all night watching me."

2007-11-16 04:03:04 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7