Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

STAR ME IF YOU GET IT WRONG BUT 10 POINTS TO FIRST CORRECT ANSWER
What relation would your father's sister's sister-in-law be to you?

2007-11-16 14:32:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

its 3 letters...it's the short version.

2007-11-16 14:28:20 · 14 answers · asked by habitbites 4

there was a girl in the middle of a street jumping up and saying "36,36,36,36". another girl walks over to her and asks her what she is doing. the first girl says "playing a fun game". the secong girl asks if he can join in, so there are 2 girls jumping up and down saying 36,36,36,36. a car comes down the street and the first girl moves out of the way- the second girl dosent see her move,gets hit and dies. the first girlmoves back to the middle of the street and says: 37,37,37,37.

2007-11-16 14:27:11 · 11 answers · asked by iS iT lOVE? 3

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

******

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

******

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

******

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

******

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

******

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

******

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

******

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

******

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

******

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

******

if u like it add stars plz

2007-11-16 14:25:24 · 9 answers · asked by muskaan 4

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,"Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

2007-11-16 14:25:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-16 14:24:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-16 14:14:11 · 10 answers · asked by I hate carrots 6

2 moms and 2 daughters went to a park they got 3 ice creams but no one shared

explain why

2007-11-16 14:13:00 · 10 answers · asked by Alison Mimi Lopela 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsPFDOIp04&NR=1

2007-11-16 14:00:02 · 3 answers · asked by professortvz 3

seriously why did the chicken cross the road, no joking.

2007-11-16 13:44:36 · 66 answers · asked by Sharoof 2

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended at that point

2007-11-16 13:43:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do I need? let me explain
I was traveling to Brazil and something VERY strange happened to me... serious... It was at night when I woke up in the plane and wantes to use some bathroom. But when I was there, of course, I used the bathroom, but after, I saw someone in the mirrow... but it was in a matter of SECONDS... I think 2 seconds and disapeard... I´m afraid of what I saw so far.

2007-11-16 13:33:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

paddy tells his mate his girlfriend has got a tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh. its fuc*** amazing, if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea... eeeooowww.

2007-11-16 13:32:29 · 13 answers · asked by little star 4

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

2007-11-16 13:29:36 · 8 answers · asked by DJ 5

At 33 he quit smoking (will power) At 43 he quit drinking (will power) at 53 he quit gambling (will power) At 63 he quit sex (POWER FAILURE)

2007-11-16 13:23:22 · 7 answers · asked by little star 4

off a truck driver.He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did,he got out of his truck & pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.He drew a circle on the side of the road & gruffly commanded to the blonde,"Stand in that circle & DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car & cut up her leather seats.When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face,so he said,"Oh, you think that's funny?Watch this!"He gets a baseball bat out of his truck & breaks every window in her car.When he turns & looks at her she has a smile on her face.He is getting really mad.He gets his knife back out & slices all her tires.Now she's laughing.The truck driver is really starting to lose it.He goes back to his truck & gets a can of gas,pours it on her car & sets it on fire.He turns around & she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?"asked the truck driver.
She replied,"Everytime you weren't looking,I stepped outside the circle!"

2007-11-16 13:16:59 · 11 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

this blond is looking for extra cash and this guy says " you can paint my porch. She looks around and says " I'll do it for fifty bucks." So he gets her the things for the job and sends her on her way to get started. He tells his wife and she she says "is she nuts? Does she know it wraps all around the house?" Anyway about two hours later she says "ok I'm done!" he gets her the fifty bucks and she turns to walk away and says " oh ya mister, it's not a porch it's a Lexus!!!"

2007-11-16 13:07:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-16 13:07:17 · 34 answers · asked by nav 2

English to Chinese fake translation of some common expressions. They are very funny, especially when they capture the Chinese accent! You need to read them carefully for the right effect:

1) That's not right........... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.............................. Dum ***
5) Small Horse.............................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift....Chin Tu Fat
9) Its very dark in here.............. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone..... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of.................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive....Yu Stin Ki Pu

2007-11-16 12:52:15 · 14 answers · asked by professortvz 3

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was sluggish in almost every maneuveur, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up chocking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

2007-11-16 12:51:46 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts & a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant & glances at the loaves of breadbehind the counter.Noticing the length of her skirt & the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The girl nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down, he says he should get two loaves,as he's having company for dinner.
As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raiin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male customer is asking for raisin bread,

2007-11-16 12:45:21 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 red necks were out in the yard, and the first one stated to the other 2 that his wife was so STUPID, they asked why, he repliedshe says she needs a dryer,and she has a clothes line,
the second man said, my wife is so stupid, she thinks she needs a car to get to town when she has legs.
the 3rd red neck says NO NO NO, my wife has all yers beat.....the ask him why, he says I was going through her purse the other day and I found a box of condoms,,,, they ask how is she stupid for that...he replies (DUH SHE AINT GOT NO PECKER)

2007-11-16 12:27:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The new vicar's wife had a baby and he appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the new addition to his family.

The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the vicar appealed and again the congregation approved the increase.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was getting hacked off with the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night at the vicarage.

Finally the vicar stood up and shouted, "Having children is an Act of God!"

An old fisherman in the back stood up and shouted back, "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

2007-11-16 12:15:25 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-16 11:58:22 · 59 answers · asked by Chromosome 3

Bob returns home a day early from a business trip and gets into a taxi at Manchester airport after midnight. On the way back to his house, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspects his wife is having an affair and he intends to catch her in the act.

For £100 the cabby agrees. They arrive at the house and Bob and the cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. Bob switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man.

Bob immediately puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it!! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Porsche I bought for you.....your Arsenal season ticket.....the house at the lake and your golf club membership and green fees."

Shaking his head from side to side, Bob slowly lowers the gun and looks over at the cabbie and says, "What would you do?"

The cabby says, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

2007-11-16 11:56:14 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man and his wife who got into an arguement have been driving for awhile already and still have a long way to go to they reach there distination... as they pass some farms and see pigs and cows the husbands turns to the wife and says "family of yours?"

and the wife says "yes, in laws"



hahahahahahahaha

2007-11-16 11:46:49 · 10 answers · asked by jj 1

when a man says...

"so, what do u do for a living?"

respond with....

"i'm a female impersonator."

when a man says...

"Hey baby, what's your sign?"

you respond with...

"Do not enter."

when a man says...

"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

you respond with...

"unfertilized."

when a man says...

"if i could see you naked, i'd die happy."

you respond with...

"if i saw you naked, i'd probably die laughing."

2007-11-16 11:38:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother and her young son, Little Johnny, are on a long-haul flight to America. Little Johnny, looking out of the plane's window, turns to his mum and says, "Mum, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Stumped for an answer, the mother suggests that her Johnny asks the stewardess. Little Johnny promptly gets out of his seat and wanders back to the service area.

"Excuse me," he says to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

"Yes," Little Johnny says.

The stewardess whispers in Little Johnny's ear, "Tell your mother it's because British Airways always pulls out on time."

2007-11-16 11:33:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob walks up to a woman and asks, "Would you sleep with me for £1,000,000?"
She quickly replies, "Yes,"
So then he asks, "Would you sleep with me for £20?"
Astounded by the question, she says, "Of course not, what kind of woman do you think I am?"
Bob says, "Well, we've already determined that. Now I'm just working on a price."

2007-11-16 11:27:11 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this man, he has 2 girlfriends. One called Lorraine, one called Deidre. He really likes Deidre, and isn't too sure about Lorraine. Suddenly one day, Lorraine is hit by a bus, and she dies in hospital. The man is upset, what does he say to himself?


I can see Deidre now Lorraine Has gone!



(I can see clearly now the rain has gone) < Song tune :]

2007-11-16 11:17:24 · 46 answers · asked by Zorro. 5