Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Little Johnny watched his mother put cold cream...
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

2007-11-17 06:51:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, " Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d!ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."

2007-11-17 06:37:25 · 7 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

2007-11-17 06:34:29 · 10 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying. "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma, ta ta Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again.

"God bless Mommy and Daddy, ta ta Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray.

"God bless Mommy, ta ta Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

"Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

2007-11-17 06:33:00 · 9 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

If this is a jokes and riddles category, why are people getting suspended and violation for telling jokes??? The people in charge of this better get their act together or we will find another place to go were TROLLS are not allowed. If some people do not like the jokes that is fair enough, tell us, don't report us like a school snich. To the people I know bye, I will be reported for this.

2007-11-17 06:32:11 · 14 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Jim and Johnny die hunting in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell.

Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.
Jim gets p!ssed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."

2007-11-17 06:31:03 · 7 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-11-17 06:28:55 · 8 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

Hint (Choose One):

1.) 30cm?

2.) 1 meter?

3.) As high as Michael Jackson? 177cm?

4.) As high as a 5 storey building? 16 or 17m?

5.) As high as a 23 storey skyscraper? 70m?

6.) As high as the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur? About 410m?

7.) As high as Mt. Everest? 8,848m?

8.) As high as where the international Space station orbits the earth? about 238,867 miles high.. Are you Nuts?

2007-11-17 06:17:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What goes in dry.
Comes out wet.
Satisfies two people.

2007-11-17 06:06:03 · 10 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Ok guys...This is a kind of optical illusion. But really there is something really strange about this image. Sometimes we should never trust some artists or advertising companies.
This ad appeared in the British Yellow Pages The title is of course already double in itself. The artist who drew this image wanted to give an impression of something else. You can do whatever you want with the image but there is a secret behind it. Do you know what it is?
Here is the image:
http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/175/lbtbyo9.jpg

This one is a bit difficult to solve if you will not cheat.
It is not for minors either....(Nothing really offensive though)

Good Luck on this one.
By the way dont bother reading the comments and advertising text or anything about fonts on the image just concentrate on the picture.

When its solved i'll post another image about it revealing the secret...

2007-11-17 06:01:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-17 05:49:33 · 13 answers · asked by sweety 1

My oldest could not say strawberry,, it came out strawbaby
I could not say rag,, I would say fag,,lol my hated taking me out to eat. my youngest son could not say music,,lol it would come out (MUGITS) lol so whats your fav. thing your kids could not pronounce? I also had a neice that could not say rake,, she was always Raping the yard lol

2007-11-17 05:44:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was going to give an after-dinner speech at a Corporate dinner. Halfway through the main course, he bit on a bone which broke his upper denture clean in two. So, he tells the Chairman - who's sitting next to him - what's happened, and there's no way he can attempt the speech without his denture. The Chairman tells him that his brother's business is just round the corner, and that he always has lots of dentures there, and leaves to get some. So, 20 minutes later, he returns with a bag full of dentures and he and the speaker go into the men's room to try them out. The speaker tries about 6 or 7 dentures in his mouth till he finds one that fits good enough for him to make his speech, which he gives without any problems and is given a standing ovation.
After the applause has died down, he says to the Chairman how fortunate it was that his brother was a dentist. The Chairman tells him his brother's not a dentist, he's an Undertaker.

2007-11-17 05:32:36 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine are Irish boys.
and Jack Daniels.

2007-11-17 04:58:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What can fill a room but takes up no space?

2007-11-17 04:45:47 · 10 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

As I walked along the path I saw something with four fingers and one thumb, but it was not flesh, fish, bone, or fowl.
What is it?

2007-11-17 04:40:34 · 6 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

Which is the proper way to say it?
The yolk is white OR the yolk are white?

2007-11-17 04:36:42 · 5 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

just bought a packet of those new camaflage condons, so when i cop off she won't see me coming...............

2007-11-17 03:36:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I laughed for 10 minuted at this, i kept on watching it and wathing it lol..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Qs8v6kXlEn4&feature=related

Is this funny? Rate this vid 1-10 =)

2007-11-17 03:23:53 · 10 answers · asked by edewfede 5

2007-11-17 03:13:23 · 12 answers · asked by April 5

A man and his blond girlfriend walked into an elevator and the brunette noticed a bunch of dandruff on his shirt. When they all reached their floor and got off the brunette told the blonde, "You should really give your man some head and shoulders!" The blonde replied," How do you give shoulders?" (I really laughed my butt off on this one!)

2007-11-17 03:10:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men checked into a hotel room for which they paid $30. The next day, the manager realized that the men had been overcharged. She gave the bellhop $5 to return to the three men. On the way to their room the bellhop decided to keep $2 for himself, and give each of the three men one dollar. The three men had now paid $9 each, or a total of $27. This plus the $2 the bellhop kept makes a total of $29. What happened to the other dollar?

2007-11-17 02:56:15 · 47 answers · asked by xI DazzyBoy Ix 3

Fill in the blanks

1.) "Oh Mickey your so fine your so fine you blow my mind Hey _____, hey _____ _____ _______!"

2.) "You make me wanna _______ my pager out the _______ call MCI to cut your _______ _______ . Break my ______ so i can ______ cause you a bugaboo, a bugaboo."

3.) "We're all in _____ together, once we _____ who we ____ were all _____ and we see that! Were all in _____ together and it _____ when we stand _____ in ____ make our _____ come true!"



hints: 1 is from bring it own
2 is a destiny child song
3 is from HSM 1

2007-11-17 02:47:22 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ineversaidiwasperfect 4

A man hitched a ride on a ship because he wanted to see the world. Unfortunately the ship ran into an awful storm and got torn apart. The man saw a sheep and grabbed onto it, hoping it would find shore. As luck would have it, the sheep swam all the way to an island. After a few months the man and sheep became pretty close. They had built shelter together, ate together, and explored their surroundings together. The man was getting kind of horny. He came up to the sheep and tried to have at it, but the sheep just kicked him in the balls and ran away. The next day the sheep came back. Once a week he'd try (his balls had to heal every time) for 6 months he tried to screw the sheep, and each time the sheep kicked him and ran away. One day, as the man was building a fire, a gorgeous woman walked gracefully toward the man. She said "My name is Oombaway, and I will do anything you wish." The man looked her up and down and said, "Will you hold that sheep?"

Pls star if you liked it. Thx

2007-11-17 02:23:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sometimes being a blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking...

MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

2007-11-17 00:55:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"

The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

2007-11-17 00:08:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

2007-11-16 22:55:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.


The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."



After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. No, I'm sorry, " the
nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."


This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,
he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"





She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses
under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

2007-11-16 22:55:09 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach s*x education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a bre*st, and asked "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a bre*st and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a p*nis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little johnny says, "I know I know! It a p*nis and my daddy has two of them!!!" The teacher says "well johnny , It is a p*nis but your daddy can't have two of them."

Tommy says, "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

2007-11-16 22:54:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm
pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

2007-11-16 22:50:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous