Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

She Was So Blonde…

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, she turned around and went home.
she thought General Motors was in the Army.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
she got stabbed during a shoot-out.
she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”.
she tried to drown a fish.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train”.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate”.
she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DONT WALK”.
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here,” she put “Sagittarius”.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
it takes her two hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
she sold the car for gas money.
when she saw the movie rating “NC-17: under 17 not admitted”, she went home and got 16 friends.

2007-11-17 15:32:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Tearful Bride...

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.


She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a

misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.

"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the

price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.


"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."


"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the

package and it said -

'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

2007-11-17 14:57:47 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Sponge Bob or Carrot Top?

2007-11-17 14:57:41 · 11 answers · asked by ♂♥♀ & ♀♥♂ ∞! Love Oh Love ! ♫♥♪ 5

Here is the bulletin i got~

find the error, its impossible
000
111
222
333
444
555
666
777
888
999

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students
could not find the error above? Repost
this with the title "Find the error, its impossible"
and when you click "Submit Post", the
answer will be really obvious

~HELP??

2007-11-17 14:47:29 · 22 answers · asked by ♣♥†♥♣ 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYvZnTFpip0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8dl4faCpJE&feature=related

Read the subtitles.

2007-11-17 14:36:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-17 14:30:46 · 16 answers · asked by TERESA R 2

i want to tell my fiance one,but i dont know any. :(

2007-11-17 14:29:39 · 5 answers · asked by forest lover 2

n if so can it get a star?

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

2007-11-17 14:29:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anthony Kellen R.I.P. Taylor 3

Pls. star if you like it. Thx.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can, and she replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

2007-11-17 14:18:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hillary Clinton, Michael Jordan, Billy Graham, and a little girl are on a plan. There are only 3 parachutes. The plan starts to crash, so Hilliary grabbed one and said " I am the world's smartest woman, and a presidential candidate, America won't let me die." She grabbed a pack and jumped. Next was Michael, "I am Americas top entertainer, they won't let me die." so he grabbed one and jumped. Billy looked at the little girl and said, "I am Billy Graham, I have lived a long and good life. I have brought a lot of people to the lord. You take the last one." The little girl looked at him and said, "That's alright mister, the world's smartest woman just grabbed my lunch bag."

2007-11-17 13:54:43 · 11 answers · asked by Amanda W 2

you have a shark in your fish tank.

go ahead and answer the question

2007-11-17 13:52:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "F*ck. I missed!"

2007-11-17 13:39:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

from myspace:

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

does anybody know what it is?

2007-11-17 13:33:38 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now, need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
P... E... N... I... S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the
computer replied:

"; PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."


Pls star if you like that one. thx

2007-11-17 13:31:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I AM SO BORED IT IS 8:20 PM AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FLIPPEN DO!!!!!! THIS IS REALLY SUCK!!!!!! PLEASE WRITE SOMETHING FOR ME
P.S. I AM ONLY 11

2007-11-17 13:18:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi, I am a mother of 5 beautiful gals
And me and four of my kids (because one is only like 4 months old) about 3 hours before super, once a week (usualy on fridays) round up all the newspaper, and get out this HUGE box full of craft supplies. We sit at the kitchen table, and do crafts, and talk about our week at school, and all the stuff that I don't get to do everyday because I work so much, So I can bond with my kids. Then we hang them on a HUGE coark borad, that covers about half a wall

ANYWAY, we are making christmas decorations, so we need things for center pieces, and things to hang in the window.

Oh, and the age groups are around 5-12

Thank you SOOO much!

2007-11-17 13:16:45 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-17 12:46:32 · 32 answers · asked by Emilia22 1

Star if u like it

Little Johnny watched his mother put cold cream...
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

2007-11-17 12:36:23 · 21 answers · asked by Dartman 2

A man was flying on an airplane to Las Vegas and a BLONDE stewardist ask the man is he would like something to eat. The man said "well what are my choices" and the blonde replied "YES or NO".

2007-11-17 12:33:22 · 18 answers · asked by Rachael 2

A baby is screaming her head off and is incredibly cranky, making her dad frustrated because he can't hear his music over her. The mother comes to the rescue!...or tries. The mother tries everything in the book to make the kid shut-up. The kid's still wailing! Then she gives up, putting the baby back down and stuffing her pacifier in her mouth. Lo and behold! the kid's quiet! Then, the kid hears music. It sounds like: "Babe...baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you...I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you...I'll leave you in the summertime, leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'...Leave you when the summer comes along..." The baby is entranced by the vocals, and thinks it's her dad playing guitar, and the dad is a REALLY talented guitarist. She turns her head from the wall and sees that he's walking out the room, away from his guitar. To this day she's been facinated with guitar and rock music. She plays guitar, sings, and hopes to get her hands on as much as she can.

That kid is me.

2007-11-17 12:26:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this case in the local hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decided to investigate further and go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the strange incidents. So, on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ICU ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil... Just when the clock struck 11...




Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Pls. Star if you found this morbidly funny...Thx.

2007-11-17 12:19:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says " i bet you $50 the man jumps" the blonde replies "ok you're on". Sure enough the man jumps and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
"Here i can't take the money, i seen the 5 o'clock news and seen the man jump then"
"No you have to take it" says the blonde "I seen the 5 o'clock news, i didn't think he'd do it again"

2007-11-17 12:16:12 · 8 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

There was this case in the local hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decided to investigate further and go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the strange incidents. So, on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ICU ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil... Just when the clock struck 11...




Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Pls. Star if you found this morbidly funny...Thx.

2007-11-17 12:03:08 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-17 11:54:44 · 5 answers · asked by ? 2

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
OR
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.


Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

2007-11-17 11:45:45 · 6 answers · asked by xxPapi Chuloxx 1

Dear Airlines,



Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them


In the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking


Strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food


Anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and


Get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course,


Every businessman in this country would start flying again,


Hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need


A salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips


Would be so good that they could charge the women for


Working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,


Including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of


Seeing naked women. So, hijackings would come to a


Screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record


Revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle


It right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.




Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do


Everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

2007-11-17 11:34:57 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

One day, a blonde and a brunette were driving to a party and they were speeding because they were late.

"Watch out for cops," the brunette said.

They drove on for about five minutes when suddenly the blonde said nervously, "I think that's a cop behind us."

"Is it after us?" the brunette questioned.

*Silence*

"Well, is it?" asked the brunette again.

"I don't know..."

"Well are it's lights on?" insisted the brunette.

Blonde said, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no..."



She was so blonde...

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

Stars Plz?

2007-11-17 11:31:09 · 25 answers · asked by cutegir11 3

Gaseous Clay.

2007-11-17 11:13:54 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).

Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!

Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ***.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters

Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #

Q: Why do men like big **** and tight *****?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.

Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say ****?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy ****.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A **** that stays up all night.

Q: Why is being in the military like a ********?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

2007-11-17 10:55:39 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two mothers and two daughters go to a pet store and buy three cats. Each female gets her own cat. How is this possible?

2007-11-17 10:52:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous