Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Spanish or English?

2007-11-16 04:01:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

T'was the night before Christmas -
Old Santa was pi*sed
He cussed at the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a*sholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days -
they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...
Those mean little sh*ts

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a*s and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year..
now you know the reason
I found me a blonde..
I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

2007-11-16 03:48:37 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

http://www.allposters.co.uk/gallery.asp?startat=/getposter.asp&APNum=386802&CID=432032EFEF9C4A2BBD1C1EF3FB7D939E&PPID=1&search=12911&f=c&FindID=12911&P=2&PP=489&sortby=PD&cname=College&SearchID=

2007-11-16 03:35:09 · 15 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred
banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")


9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one
jurassic geezer.)


8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest
dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you
spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from
all the other guys I'm seeing.)


6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half
gallon of Ben and Jerry's).


5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even
date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the
same building.)


4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)


3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring
and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it
actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell
you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and
have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
___________________________________________________

In response... The male perspective on the same issue ...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually
mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)


9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)


8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)


6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)


5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)


4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)


3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)


2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it
actually means)


1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

2007-11-16 03:15:39 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

There are 7 girls on a bus

Each girl has 7 backpacks

In each backpack, there are 7 big cats

For every big cat there are 7 little cats



Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

***YES I KNOW THE ANSWER***
And once you get the # you show me how you got it...don't want no cheaters out there..the first person who gets it right gets the points...yup it's that easy..

HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-16 03:09:42 · 13 answers · asked by Rican Princess 5

Answer of this question shows your minds status so think twice

2007-11-16 03:07:10 · 20 answers · asked by hir bhatt 2

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

2007-11-16 02:57:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

lost the hope , what did he see ( this is an riddle question )

2007-11-16 01:52:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

They said a flower couldnt signify love...the rose managed it!

They said a plant couldnt survive without water...the cactus did!

They said a retard couldnt read...well done kiddo!

2007-11-16 01:51:21 · 8 answers · asked by Big Boobs McGee 4

How Should I Know?
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

2007-11-16 01:21:56 · 7 answers · asked by Esperanza 3

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game. His father tried in every way to get Johnny to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle returned in a short time without Johnny and without comment, and the game resumed.

For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Johnny. After the game had ended and the players were settling their wins and losses, one of the men asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I showed him how to jerk off."

2007-11-16 01:17:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Once, Johny was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor, "Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what you have done, the lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been for 2 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you have realised your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, and could not find anyone except for one of her friend, as we were alone so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, before that, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie as we were alone, I slept with her also."

"Father.............. Father.....?" suddenly Johny realised that there was no response from the father, he walked over and discovered that the pastor was not there.

So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched all the corners, high and low and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

2007-11-16 01:13:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told he that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?”

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

2007-11-16 01:10:41 · 16 answers · asked by Jim 7

It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.

"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.

I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam!" she shouts, and several times more, "Sam! Sam!" Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it? It's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."

2007-11-16 01:09:45 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"

The dad answered, "Playing Cards".

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

The dad answered, "Your mom".

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"

The sister answered, "Playing Cards."

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

She answered, "My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).

As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"

Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

2007-11-16 01:01:38 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed
in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.


At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow,
unbelievable!"


Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"



Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and
find my wife."


"How come?"


"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on
I've ever had in my life!"


After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with
you?"


"Hell, no. Why would I want you to do that?"


"Because that's my di*k you're holding."

2007-11-16 00:02:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.” Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Italian looks at him. “We didn’t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.” Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand. “Supplies!” he yells

2007-11-15 23:29:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

If he aint, lemme know.

2007-11-15 22:54:09 · 4 answers · asked by Freeway Ricky Ross 2

Any details would be good.

2007-11-15 22:53:58 · 6 answers · asked by 168 1

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolls to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulls away, the cabbie is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Er, where to?" he stammers. "Just take me to the Union Station," answers the woman. "You got it," he nods, taking another long glance in the mirror. Looking up, the woman catches him staring. "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver coughs politely. "Well, I'd just noticed that you're completely naked." "So?" "Well I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." Nodding slowly, the woman spreads her legs and puts her feet up on the front seat headrests. "Well," she smiles at the driver. "Does this answer your question?" "Bloody hell," cries the cabbie, still staring in the mirror. "Got anything smaller?"

2007-11-15 22:53:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give me 1 [one] number each between 1 and 49 [one and forty nine] only one number per reply quickest gets the points !!!

2007-11-15 22:30:42 · 13 answers · asked by granpabear 3

A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday He spends $5k and feels good about the results On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk "how old do you think I am"
"About 35" was the reply
"I'm actually 47" the man says feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question
The reply is, "Oh you look about 29"
"I am actually 47"
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age If I put my hand down your pants 10 minutes I will be able to tell you your age"
As there was no one around, the man thinks What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants
Ten minutes later, the old lady says "You are You are 47"
Stunnedthe mansays "That was brilliant. How did you do that" The old lady replies "I was behind you at McDonalds"

2007-11-15 22:28:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

2007-11-15 22:12:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!

2007-11-15 22:08:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

2007-11-15 22:05:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

2007-11-15 21:56:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what he could do about a facelift.
The doctor said, "Well ma'am, we have a brand new procedure. We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."

"That sounds good," she said.

Two years passed and she went back to tell the surgeon that the dial was giving her bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry ma'am," replied the surgeon, "but those aren't bags - those are your ****!"

"Oh," said the woman, "so that explains the goatee."

If you liked it please give it a star. Thanks!

2007-11-15 21:51:08 · 8 answers · asked by **LLL** 4

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

2007-11-15 21:40:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

three little ducks go into a Bar......
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

2007-11-15 21:37:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE EXECUTIVE FART A very loud fart by a very important person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key but otherwise a very business like fart. No nonsense about it! but noone is supposed to notice. Particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart its either your afraid of the the person who farted or the fart was just to gross. Common with very important people
THE FRENCH FART Said to be the most beautiful of farts. Usually in a minor key. Soft and musical with many half tones. Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart. Very Rare.
THE G AND L FART This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
THE JERK FART The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
THE MALTED MILK BALL FART Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
THE OH MY GOD FART This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh ****, which would be understandable.
THE OMEN FART This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC FART Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
THE POO-POO FART This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says "go poo-poo now". And somebody takes him and he does.
THE QUIVER FART A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
THE RELIEF FART Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.
THE RELUCTANT FART This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
THE RUSTY GATE FART The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
THE S.B.D. FART S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
THE SANDPAPER FART This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
THE S'CUSE ME FART This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that says "S'cuse me." The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.
THE SKILLSAW FART A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
THE SONIC BOOM FART The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
THE SPLATTER FART Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stired up.
THE STUTTER FART If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
THE TACO BELL FART The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
THE TEFLON FART Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there.
THE TICKLE FART A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.

2007-11-15 21:34:52 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2