Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

"Honey, I'm home!"

2007-11-15 10:53:42 · 10 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

There were two mothers and two daughters. They happened to find $9 on the ground and decided to split it up. It turns out, each of them got $3 evenly. How was this possible?

2007-11-15 10:48:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be really rich." *POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly inagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

2007-11-15 10:44:28 · 13 answers · asked by Freakin 6

This word is so fragile, that when you say it, it breaks. What is the word?

2007-11-15 10:44:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. and Mrs. Robinson have five children. Half of them are male. How is that possible? (No shemales or anything)

2007-11-15 10:43:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Mon morning a mailman noticed, as he approached a house on his route, that a lot of cars were parked in front of a house. His confusion was cut short when a man came out of the house carrying a load of empty liquor & beer bottles.

'Wow, Bob! It looks like you had a great party!"

"Actually, we had it Sat, & this was the first time I felt like moving since then. We had 15 couples from the neighborhood & it got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who am I?' "

"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.

"Well all the guys go into the bedrm, & we come out 1 at a time with a sheet covering us & only our privates showing.. The women try to guess who we are.

The mailman laughed & said, I'm sorry I missed that."

" Probably a good thing you did," Bob resonded. "Your name came up 7 times....."

2007-11-15 10:32:32 · 10 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

2007-11-15 10:32:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

2007-11-15 10:29:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

And why ???

2007-11-15 10:23:05 · 11 answers · asked by wolf 6

his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

2007-11-15 10:15:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

*There is an answer to it.

You're flying in your canoe, and your wheel falls off, how many pancakes can you stuff into your doghouse?




Once again, there is an answer.

2007-11-15 10:11:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

just try to lick your elbow, and see how hard it is !

2007-11-15 10:07:19 · 10 answers · asked by Ahmed 2

my neighbor is abusing his wife? Almost every night, I hear my neighbors wife screaming loudly and the bed squeaking for about 10 minutes... then silence. The next morning, I see them kiss each other goodbye as they both drive to work... as if nothing happened! Is she just scared to report it herself? Or should I do it for her?

2007-11-15 10:04:14 · 21 answers · asked by t_on_e 3

my sister just told me the folowing joke but there is a bit at the end that doesnt make sense & she said 'its a joke its not meant to make sense' however i think it does lol.... silly sisterly disputes aye???
opinions please?????

_____________________________
an old man died and went to heaven and it was St. Peters day off at the gates so Jesus took over the shift. an old man walked up to the gate..

Jesus: name please
Old man: my name is joseph
Jesus: occupation??
Old man: well, in life, i was a carpenter
Jesus looked at the old man
Jesus: have you got any children??
Old man: yes, i had one son but people thought he was a liar and he was hated by many.. it's quite a sad story.. the way he died
at this point Jesus opened his arms and shouted:
"PAPA!!"
and the old man shouted back:
"pinocchio!!!"
__________________________

i see how it is funny but wasn't pinocchios dad's name gepetto??? not joseph???

is it still funny??

2007-11-15 09:56:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounded like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it is true!!!! John Brasford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, go into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scarred, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never
touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter...

2007-11-15 09:46:40 · 8 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?







- A cripple in a house fire.

2007-11-15 09:29:38 · 11 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

the next morning the pilot wakes up and goes down for breakfast after around an hour there is still no sign of the blonde he decides that she has slept in so goes to her room to wake. On approaching her room he hears the sound of crying.He knocks on the door and asks the blonde what was wrong,crying she says " I cant get out of my room !!" the pilot says "Why? what is wrong?" the blonde replies "There are three doors in here. One leads into a closet another leads to the bathroom and the other says 'do not disturb' on it"

2007-11-15 09:24:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why shouldn't you wear Russian boxer shorts?

'Cos Chernobyl fall out

2007-11-15 09:18:39 · 7 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

Okay, here is a joke, maybe not funny, but anyway, please let me know what you think:

An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations ot move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occured to her that she had not seen a W.C., or a water closet in british, which we would probably call bathroom
So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a w.C. around. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together, they tried to discover the meaning of the letters W.C. adn the only solution they could find for the letters was a Wayside Chapel. The school master then wrote to the English lady the following note:
Dear Madam:
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C

2007-11-15 09:12:42 · 7 answers · asked by cookie gal 2

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall then health and saftey told him to get down! lol

2007-11-15 08:37:43 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench
when a man in a long black trench coat walks
up and flashes them... The first old lady
has a stroke... the second old lady has a
stroke... but the third old lady cant reach!

2007-11-15 08:20:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paul arrives late for work one morning, looking haggard.

'What on earth happened to you?' his boss says, 'You're late, and you look exhausted!'

'I'm really sorry, but I didn't get any sleep at all last night', Paul tells him.

'Why not?' his boss asks.

'Well' Paul explains, 'you know how I live over by the railway tracks?'

'Yes'

'On my way home from work last night I found a girl tied to to the tracks. I untied her and took her home, where I spent all night making passionate love to her. It was the best night's sex I've ever had! Well, almost the best...'

'Wow, brilliant!' exclaims Paul's boss. 'But why wasn't it the best?'

'I couldn't get her to give me a bl0wj0b', says Paul.

'Why not?', the boss asks.

'I couldn't find the head'

2007-11-15 08:16:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Got these in the inbox and had to share

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

2007-11-15 08:15:47 · 1 answers · asked by rdrnnr1972 5

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks

2007-11-15 08:08:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

.A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter
it in the races.



However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that
he ended up buying a donkey instead.



He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in
the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!



The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S A*S SHOWS.




The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won.



The paper read: PREACHER'S A*S OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with
this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the
donkey in another race.



The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S A*S. This was too
much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.




The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper
headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST A*S IN TOWN.



The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.



The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS A*S FOR $10.00. This was too
much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it
to the plains, and let it go.



Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A*S IS WILD
AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

2007-11-15 07:50:56 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A: Put a nipple on it


lol

2007-11-15 07:48:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a $exologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Sh@g him
2. Leave him in peace

2007-11-15 07:27:58 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

are sitting outside of a bar waiting for last call so they can bust all the drunks driving home, at 1:30 a drunk stumbles out of the bar with keys in hand and after trying them in evey car in the parking lot finds his and unlocks the door. As he starts the car the police approach him and ask if he's had anything to drink. "I can't remember" said the man and they pulled him out of the car to do a breathalizer. The breathalizer came back as zero precent, which astonished the police. They took the man to the station as people were filing out of the bar and gave him another test from another machine and again it came up zero, they then preformed a blood test, which was also negative. By this time it was 3:00, and an officer turned to the man and said you're not drunk so what's wrong with you?




"nothing", replied the man "I'm the decoy"

2007-11-15 06:52:04 · 13 answers · asked by Nate 6

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He'd been
going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her.
As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to
her and said, "Do you want to see my wee-wee?" She yelled,
"No!No! Please zip up your fly!" Instead of being annoyed, Tom
was happy.

On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same
thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night,
they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly
again and said to her, "Honey, now that we're married you can
now look at what I've got here," and proceeded to take out his
d*ck.

She looked at it and said, "Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!"
Tom said, "No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee
anymore; you can call it a c*ck."

She looked at it a while and then said, "No, Tom, what you have
'is' a wee-wee." A 'c*ck' is long, thick, and black!!!

2007-11-15 06:42:27 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A little boy had a father that was in a fight in a bar. The little boy ran to get help. He saw a police and he asked the policeman to help quickly because his father was in a fight. So the policeman went into the bar and broke up the three men that were fighting. Once everything was calm the police asked the little boy which one was his father. The little boy replies, "I don't know. That is what they are fighting about."

2007-11-15 06:35:26 · 20 answers · asked by Freakin 6