Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

2007-11-15 03:22:51 · 7 answers · asked by timssterling 4

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom.
She said, "Yes".
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the $hit out of him!"

2007-11-15 03:19:00 · 20 answers · asked by queenmackerel 5

2007-11-15 03:14:06 · 9 answers · asked by woowooowoooowoooooo 3

2007-11-15 03:03:12 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

2007-11-15 02:31:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

2007-11-15 02:19:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-11-15 02:00:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cabby picks up a nun. While he's driving, she notices the cabby staring at her. She askes the cabby why he is staring at her. He says he has always had a fantasy of being kiss by a nun. The nun asks if he is married and is he a Catholic. The cabby says he is single and a Catholic. The nun tells him to pull into the next alley. He dose and the nun plants a kiss on him that would make a prostitute blush. Back on the street, the nun noticed the cabby crying. She asked what was the matter. The cabby says he has a confession to make. He says he is married and Jewish. The nun says "That's allright. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Haloween party".

2007-11-15 01:03:35 · 8 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

answer!!

slap the choir boy on the back off the head.

2007-11-15 00:51:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yay or Nay..." Good chick stuff....?
Chick story...Pls star if you like it. Thx.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag andtook out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."

2007-11-15 00:48:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
"O.K.," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold,
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow"!

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

2007-11-15 00:46:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
Wife: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
Husband: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
Wife: "Would you take her golfing with you?
Husband:"Yes, those are always good times."

2007-11-15 00:38:20 · 7 answers · asked by Who's sarcastic? 6

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut -glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist."Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied,
"Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

2007-11-15 00:15:44 · 8 answers · asked by Kugelblitz 1

Priest walking along a river bank and notices a man fishing, "i don't think a have baptised that man " said the priest. So over he walks to talk to the man, " i don't belive i have baptised you young man" he said, " no sir" said the fisherman. "Come over here" as he walks into the shallow water, he grabbed the man by the neck and duckes his head under for a few seconds. He then lifts the man up and asks " did you see Jesus" ?, " no" said the fisherman, so under he goes again for 10secs. Back up and still no sign of Jesus, so back under this time for nearly a minute. The priest lifts the man up from the water coughing and spluttering " are you sure this is where he fell in" said the fisherman?

2007-11-15 00:13:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

2007-11-15 00:10:05 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

2007-11-15 00:07:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2007-11-15 00:05:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

"Winnie The Sh*t!!

2007-11-15 00:04:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

2007-11-15 00:03:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ****!!

2007-11-14 23:59:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

2007-11-14 23:58:09 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like sh*t.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

2007-11-14 23:55:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

2007-11-14 23:10:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while
the fish swim by in complete safety."


"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical."


"Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the
table?"


"Uh huh, " "Sure, honey, " or "Yes,
dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.


"It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works."



"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are
dead."


"We're going to be late." Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to
drive like a maniac."


"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."

2007-11-14 23:06:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

2007-11-14 23:00:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size due to them having become too loose and too floppy. Out of embarrassment she insists that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found three roses placed neatly beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor " I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose had been from him " I felt sad because you had to go through all of this by yourself "
" The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me with the surgery and empathised with you because she has undergone the same procedure herself."
" And what about the third rose?" she asked.
" That's from the man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears"

2007-11-14 22:51:53 · 6 answers · asked by Toro 2013 ™ VG 7

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in
the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead
soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.


"Private, " the officer said, "I'm
recommending you for a medal.You risked your life to save
the locations of our secret warehouses."


"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I
thought you said whorehouses!"

2007-11-14 22:46:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old man laying in a hospital bed , wires every where , electrodes all over and an oxygen mask on

Young nurse walks it and the old man asks her a question , she walks out and gets the Sister .
Sister walks in and asks the man whty he upset the young nurse , the old man says i only asked her this question . He asks the Sister the same question , she looks shocked , lifts up his bed covers , grabs his b0ll0cks , yanks them high and says ' Do they look black to you ? ''

The old man screams and lifts off his oxygen mask and says

'' i asked if my test results were back , NOT if my testicles are black.................'

2007-11-14 22:45:08 · 8 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has
not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were
only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her
and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama!
I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and
after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend
in posh hotel. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There
she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He
in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black
panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is
yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following
night the same scenario. She's standing there with
the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit....

2007-11-14 22:41:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns
from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and
is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back
from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called
'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh, " cried the man, "What are
you going to do, doctor?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me???" asked the man. The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're
the only foods we can get under the door."

2007-11-14 22:35:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous