Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle
had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three
Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

2007-11-14 13:20:42 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-11-14 13:16:18 · 15 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!

Jeff walked into a bar and saw his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walked over and asked him what was wrong.

“Well,” replied Paul. “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replied Jeff with a laugh.

“Well,” said Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” said Jeff. “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continued Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.

“Sensible” said Jeff.

“So I get to her door,” said Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

“I kicked her in the face.”


Star if you laughed! :)

2007-11-14 12:50:01 · 9 answers · asked by DJ 5

Just before Christmas, there
was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don't exist!

2007-11-14 12:34:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

bunny farts.

2007-11-14 12:21:07 · 8 answers · asked by keshequa87 6

I like it, It's mine.
If I have it, it's mine.
If you have it, and I want it, it's mine.

Oh wait, that's Bill Gate's business plan.

2007-11-14 12:08:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Without adding words or changing the order and make it a sensible statement:

It was and I said not but

2007-11-14 12:01:04 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2:00 and 4:00 A.M.

2007-11-14 11:39:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if you like this one... Thx.

Joke - After dinner drink?
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag andtook out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."

2007-11-14 11:31:09 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see"

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"

"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some b****** has stolen our tent"

2007-11-14 11:27:08 · 14 answers · asked by puma 4

A black man walked into a cafe early one morning and noticed that he is the only black person in there... As he sat down he noticed that a white man was sitting behind him. The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed in here! The black man replied... " When I was born I was black, when I grew up I was black, when I'm sick I'm black, when I'm in the sun I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black and when I die I'm black!!! But You Sir... When you were born you were pink, when you're sick you turn green, when you stay in the sun you're red, when you're cold you turn blue and when you die you turn purple!! And yet you have the nerve to call me coloured!" The black man turned around and the white man walked away!!

2007-11-14 11:18:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and his two friends are talking at he bar.
His best friend says," I think my wife ia having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters
under the bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says," I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer. The other day i found a wrench under my bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him in utter disbelief.
" No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a
jockey under my bed."

2007-11-14 11:15:58 · 10 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

this redneck says to me i bet you a dollar you cant get this question right. I say ok. He askes what weights 300 pounds, has facial hair, and smells kinda like goat cheese. I said thats like it could be your cousin. He says well heres 50 cents your half right she also my new girlfriend and you should be so lucky.

2007-11-14 11:09:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were 3 people they all went into a church and the ministor said i have holly water if you do sometheng bad you may drink from it and be forgiven. so the first guy said i burnt down a house then the ministar said ok you may drink frome the holly water. the second guy said i distroyed a forest. the ministor said you may drink form the holly water. the last guy said i peed in the holly water.

2007-11-14 11:01:59 · 7 answers · asked by mom o 3 1

it stinks but it has a good view.

2007-11-14 10:58:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl .

2. pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3.in one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. you may need to stand on the lid.

4.the cat will self aggitate and make ample suds. never mind the noises that are coming from the toilet,the cat is actually enjoying it.

5.flush the toilet three or four times.this provides a power wash and rinse.

6. have someone open your front door.be sure their are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7.stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8.the cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9.both the toilet and the cat will be sparkly clean.

sincerly,
THE DOG

2007-11-14 10:56:04 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

2007-11-14 10:51:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 10 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart!"

2007-11-14 10:43:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

crying, when a passing jogger stops and asks him why the tears,
"well i am a multi millionaire, i have a big house, a fast car ,a beautiful young wife who makes love to me every night wether i want to or not." sob
"well thats nothing to cry for" said the jogger

"But" said the man" I forgot where my house is.".

2007-11-14 10:33:26 · 19 answers · asked by chris w. 7

reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

2007-11-14 10:23:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three turtles whom were all brothers. The oldest son, middle son, and the youngest son. One day the three turtles decided to have lunch deep into the forest. The oldest carried the food and when they got there they realized they forgot the drinks. So they decided to play rock paper scissors and the loser would have to walk back to get drinks for all of them. The oldest and middle son rigged it so that the youngest would lose. "Well sorry little one, you lost go get the drinks." the oldest one said. The youngest replied, "But I don't wanna go, I know you guys are going to start eating once I leave, and by the time I come back there'll be no food left." The middle son replied, " Stop being such a baby and go, we promised we won't start until you come back." After some convincing, the little one agreed and went off. Thirty minutes go by, an hour, two hours, and three hours go by. "Where the heck is this kid I'm starving." the oldest one said. "Ahh I can't wait any longer!"

2007-11-14 10:20:56 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it true you can you can lead a horticulture...but you can't make her think?

2007-11-14 10:19:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The old man and his wife driving down the road got stopped by a cop. " Let me see your drivers license," He says. The old lady is hard of hearing and yells out " what did he say?" the man says "he wants to see my drivers license". The cop says " I see your from Detroit, the worst piece of a$$ I ever had was from Detroit." She again yells out " What did he say?" Then the old says to her " he thinks he knows you!!"

2007-11-14 10:01:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Police Trooper is driving along, and he sees a Redhead and her Chevy in a ditch. He pulls over and gets out of his car.

The Trooper helps and Redhead out of the Chevy and asks,"How did this happen?"

"Well," The Redhead says," I was driving, and there was a tree in my way, so I swerved, and there was another tree! So, I swerved again and there was ANOTHER TREE! Then, I finally ended up in this ditch

The trooper looked around, not a tree in sight.

"That's not your real hair color, is it",The Trooper asked.

"No", the Redhead said," I'm really Blonde."

"That's what I thought", said the trooper," Now, let ME tell YOU something. That wasn't a tree. That was your air freshener swining back and forth."

2007-11-14 09:51:13 · 7 answers · asked by Qwedgeonline 1

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

2007-11-14 09:46:51 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

Here it goes.

Knock Knock?
who's there?
Banana
Knock Knock?
who's there?
Banana
Knock Knock?
who's there?
Banana
Knock Knock?
who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana.

It still cracks me up. Star if it brought back good memories!

2007-11-14 09:43:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-14 09:16:40 · 7 answers · asked by Socrlvr4life 1

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

2007-11-14 09:10:30 · 18 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

A speeding driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

2007-11-14 09:02:14 · 12 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
>
> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
> "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them
Logs, but he's hidin' it there."
>
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
> search the shed where the firewood is kept.
>
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana
. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
>
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
>
"Yeah!"
>
"Did they chop your firewood?"
>
"Yep!"
>
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
>
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

2007-11-14 08:44:26 · 7 answers · asked by Green eyes 1