Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

During a wedding, the best man notices that the groom has the biggest smile ever. He asks, why are you smiling?
The groom replies, I got the best BJ of my life last night, and to think, I'm gonna be able to get that anytime I want.

Well, not to be outdone, the Bride is smiling even more than the groom and the maid of honor asks, "Why such a big smile, is it because of your wedding day?"

The bride replies, "I just gave my last BJ last night!"

2007-11-14 08:34:38 · 8 answers · asked by Timeflo 4

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a
beer before it starts."

His wife looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it
starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b
*stard! You waltz in
here, flop your fat *ss down, don't even say hello to me
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you
realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it's started."

2007-11-14 07:32:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the most favorite wine at christmas?


do i have to eat the brussel sprouts

2007-11-14 07:04:15 · 7 answers · asked by mailys@btinternet.com 2

no strings attached.

2007-11-14 06:51:55 · 4 answers · asked by lilmissdisorganised 6

John came in from nursery and said to his mum, '' mummy,i have the biggest willie in the whole nursery,is it because im black? ''
his mum turned round and said to him, '' No John,its because your 23 and a fluckin retard '' !!!

2007-11-14 06:29:26 · 16 answers · asked by ANDY M 3

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-11-14 06:20:44 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, “AHHHH! That’s the ugliest child I’ve ever seen in my life!”

The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, “Are you ok, dear?”

The lady replies, “I’m so angry, that bus driver just insulted me.”

The man says, “You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I’ll watch your monkey.”

2007-11-14 06:07:40 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don't pee on the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don't eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

2007-11-14 05:58:35 · 14 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

ok, there are three boys, one called zip, one caled willy and the other called pee, in a class and they have a spelling test in their next lesson, which they havent studied, so they decide to hide from their teacher.

zip hides on top of the cuboard

willy hides in the cuboard

and pee hides underneath the teachers desk

anyway pretty soon their teacher comes in the room and she says

zip, down

willy, out

pee, in the corner

2007-11-14 05:58:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.

‘’What’s that?'’ asked Jenny.

‘’Well,'’ said Johnny, ‘’if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.”’

2007-11-14 05:57:51 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school.

One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.

She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could clearly see her underpants.

When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.

Of course the little girl didn’t believe her mom and the next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her underpants and laughed.

When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn’t climb the pole. She told her, “They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole again your grounded!”

The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more goodies, so up the pole she went.

When she came home she told her mother what she got for climbing the pole and her mother went ape. “I told you they only wanted to see your underpants!” she raged.

“But mommy”, the little girl answered, “this time I was smart enough not to wear any.”

2007-11-14 05:54:57 · 33 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

i cant find the button for the downwards pointing ^ arrow on my keyboard. first one to tell me gets 10 points!

2007-11-14 05:50:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The World's Greatest Cowboy was captured by some Indians, who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn, but because he was the World's Greatest Cowboy, they would give him a last request.

The World's Greatest Cowboy said, "Let me talk to my horse."

So he whispers in the horse's ear, the horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead. He takes her into a teepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later the horse returns.

The Indian chief says, "Now we know why you are called the World's Greatest Cowboy! That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves. We will give you another last request."

The World's Greatest Cowboy asked to speak to the horse again.

The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked, beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet blonde. The World's Greatest Cowboy takes her into the teepee and after three hours, she staggers out and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and returns in an hour.

The chief says, "The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse, but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are called the World's Greatest Cowboy, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you, and we must still kill you at dawn, but we will still give you one more last request."

The World's Greatest Cowboy walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving it a shake, says, "Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!"

2007-11-14 05:12:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pam, a beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:

'Oral Sex' Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions)
Pam excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

Pam nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Pam takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

Take a shower
Splash on some nice smelling perfume
Slip into a very sexy nighty
Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down 'there'
She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Pam is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper.
It says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So Pam calls and Ralph, the man from behind the counter, answers, "I had some complaints earlier this week. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Pam welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

2007-11-14 05:09:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again.

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

2007-11-14 05:06:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school. The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

2007-11-14 05:02:04 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

grabbed my wallet!

2007-11-14 04:58:19 · 8 answers · asked by Plato 5

>1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would
have seen it.
>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "Well ... It's not unusual."
>13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" The vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha- Chu! But I think its Colin.
>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat dough boy!"
>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore."
>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continue into the night.

2007-11-14 04:23:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

a) One man fortunately found an old lamp somewhere. there was a gene inside the lamp. the gene told the man to wish something but the condition is that whatever he'd get, his wife will get double of it. the man thought for a while and said COOL! GIVE ME 1 BILLION GOLD COINS AND MAKE ME HALF-DEAD!

b) one guy dropped his very old dad in a coach-bus and told the conductor to tell his dad when Woodland comes. The bus started its journey and passed lots of stations and also passed Woodland. The conductor totally forgot about it. After quite a while when remembered that he was very ashamed to himself. so he talked to the driver and then after a long hot conversation the driver agreed to go back. and the bus turned back and after a long way doing lots of troubles they managed to get back in Woodland. then the conductor went to the old man and said SIR, IT'S WOODLAND, YOU CAN GET OFF. the old man replied, ME? I DONT WANNA GET OFF HERE, MY SON TOLD ME TO EAT HIGH PRESSURE TABLET

2007-11-14 03:47:46 · 5 answers · asked by Purbasha 2

Pls star if you like this one... Thx.

Joke - After dinner drink?
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and too
2 months ago
Additional Details
2 months ago

took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."

2007-11-14 03:41:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's
dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes
downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still
barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's just see how THEY like it."

2007-11-14 03:40:10 · 9 answers · asked by Quack 2

Pls. star if you like ti. Thx.

So this young guy and this girl have been going out for a while. They finally decide to make love for the first time. So the girl invites him over for diner to meet her parents. And the day before the dinner "date," the guy goes to a pharmacist to ask about sex, so the pharmacist tells him all about it and the guy buy's a box of condoms. So when the dinner "date" occurs, the guy prays at the table for 20 minutes straight. The girl says "I didn't know you were so religous." and he responds "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

2007-11-14 03:33:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A vicar is asked by the youth pastor of his church to talk about sex at the next youth meeting. He agrees on a date, the 17th, and a time, 8.00pm. However, with all things, to remind himself he had to write it in his diary. He started writing 'Sex' then thought he better not, just in case someone read it and misinterpreted what it meant. Instead he wrote sailing, no-one would think anything of it but he would know what it meant.
The 16th rolled around and the youth pastor thinks it would be a good idea to ring up the vicar's house, just to confirm everything. However, the vicar's wife is the only one in. But she thinks, to be of help to the youth pastor, she would check the diary to make sure nothing else was going on before so he to make sure he wouldn't be late or anything for the talk.
However when she turns to the 17th in the diary, and sees sailing she responds to the the youth pastor, " I don't know why he is talking about that, he's only done it twice, the 1st time he was sick

2007-11-14 03:33:12 · 9 answers · asked by Cookie_Monster_UK 5

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

Thanksgiving dinner, a boy was bothering his mother while she was trying to prepare dinner for her guests. "Why don't you help set the table," the mother said. "How, mommy?" "Get out the special dishes" she said, so the boy set out the special dishes, "Get out the special glasses," so the boy did. "get out the special silverware" so the boy did. But mom got too buzy, and couldn't be bothered. The boy wanted to finish setting the table, but he couldn't find the good napkins, then he remembered mom's "special" napkins that she kept under the bathroom sink. So he set the table with those! Boy, was everyone surprised at dinner!

....from Bill Cosby

2007-11-14 03:25:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

say straight after eachother:
she sells sea shells on the seashore
peter piper picked a pickled pepper
how much wood could a wood chopper chop if a wood chopper could chop wood? have you got any better?

2007-11-14 03:22:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a couple went shopping. Suddenly, the wife said to her husband, "Oh! Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. Let's buy something for her. She is fond of electronic things. What's your idea?" The husband thought for a while and then replied actively, "Well, how about an electric chair?"

2007-11-14 03:18:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, ‘’Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.'’ The blonde leaned over and said ‘’Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.'’

2007-11-14 02:59:28 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

I'm the life of the party ... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a darn thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps ... with a hammer.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, politicians.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like ...
I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days,
and when did they let kids become policemen.

2007-11-14 02:54:26 · 18 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

2007-11-14 01:36:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping, and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly, cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup ... gonna be a bear!

2007-11-14 01:26:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous