Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

No offence to any blondes out there
If you do take offence MAKE SURE YOU PUT IT BACK

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. "A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was .... ""Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing happened. Her roommate saw her and asked, "What the heck are you doing?" She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!!"

2007-11-14 01:18:15 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

For women everywhere........


Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought...............I don't ******* think so.

2007-11-14 01:12:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

2007-11-14 01:03:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one....

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...

2007-11-14 01:02:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some hints for women.
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -"don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.

2007-11-14 01:01:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Golf Genie

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

2007-11-14 00:46:42 · 6 answers · asked by Brown eyed girl 7

Even if ya don't this will make you laugh,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4a1z7NLnNk

anyone got anything funnier today?

2007-11-14 00:40:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?"

She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Geppetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Geppetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Geppetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

2007-11-13 23:54:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like your handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your azz from drowning."

2007-11-13 23:34:25 · 19 answers · asked by Johnny 7

When your life is in the darkness, pray
to God ask him to free you from
darkness
And if after you pray and you are still
in darkness,
please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!

2007-11-13 23:29:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman an Indian an African and a Pakistani were sitting at a table in the pub.

It's nice to see intigration of the different races.

2007-11-13 23:23:13 · 16 answers · asked by james h 1

2007-11-13 22:55:45 · 15 answers · asked by pandurang j 3

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every
time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day
and said, "Just how much is that watch?"


"It's $2000, ma'am."


"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for
it?"


"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you
have in mind?"


"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

2007-11-13 22:36:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scenario 7: Johnny falls while running during recess
and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher,
Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.


1973 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes
on playing.


2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator
and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny
undergoes 5 years of therapy.
==========================
Scenario 8: Pedro fails high school English.


1973 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English,
goes to college.


2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that teaching
English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU
files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from
core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

2007-11-13 22:25:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin
to school.


1973 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the
smoking dock.


2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school
for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


=========================
Scenario 6: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers
from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle,
blows up a red ant bed.


1973 - Ants die.


2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny
charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's
Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly
again.

2007-11-13 22:25:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scenario 3: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts
other students.


1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling
by Principal. Sits still in class.


2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes
a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey
has a disability.

=============================
Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's
car and his Dad gives him a whipping.


1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.



2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist
tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused
herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has
affair with psychologist.

2007-11-13 22:25:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons. "Mikey, get over here," he says, "before I go, I gotta ask you to do me one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I'll do, I worship you more than anything!"

"OK!" says the old man, "I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!" Feeling uneasy the boy says, "I don't know, it is embarassing." The old man says, "Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can't do it for me?" The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says, "OK I did it." The old man says, "One more request, do it again!" The boy looks and says, "Why? I just did?" The old man says, "Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? you can't do this little thing for me?" The boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says "OK, done!" "One last request, do it one last time! " says the old man. "I don't understand, why?" says the boy. "Don't ask, Can't you grant a dying man his last wish?" The boy goes and does it again, he comes back crawling, barely able to talk, "OK I did it again, but please no more, I got no more left! "Good!" says the old man, he hands him car keys and says, "Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!"

2007-11-13 22:24:12 · 11 answers · asked by Freakin 6

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".

2007-11-13 22:21:38 · 5 answers · asked by iamme 2

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

2007-11-13 22:18:39 · 13 answers · asked by iamme 2

1)I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs…She said “depends”.
2)GOODBYE Tension, HELLO Pension
3)I was in the Beauty Shop for nearly 2 hours, and that was only for the estimate.
4)The Snap Crackle Pop in the morning…aint my freaking Rice Krispies
5)Sometimes I wake up Grumpy….and some days I let him sleep.
6)I’m not old… I’m chronologically gifted.
7)Be nice to your children….They will choose your nursing home.
8)Florida….God’s waiting room!
9)Birthdays are good for you… the more you have, the longer you live.
10)One good thing about Alzheimer’s…You get to meet new people every day.
11)It ain’t the age…it’s the darn mileage
12)Support BINGO…keep grandma off the streets.
13)When did my wild oats…turn into prunes and bran?

2007-11-13 22:14:47 · 4 answers · asked by LeeA 3

A mother is taking her 7 year old daughter to a play date with a friend when she asks, "Mommy, how old are you?"
"That's not a polite question to ask a woman honey", the mother replies.
"Well how much do you weigh?" continues the daughter.
"That's a rude question to ask someone too," the mother says, now a little flustered.
"And why did you and Daddy get a divorce?
"That's enough questions young lady!" answers the mother who drops off the daughter at her friends house.
"My mother won't tell me anything about her," says the daughter to her friend.
"Don't worry, just look at her driver's liscense, it's like a report card, it has everything on it," says her friend.
The next day the daughter says triumphantly to her mother, " I know you're 32."
"How did you........."
" And I know that you weigh 134 pounds.
"Who told you..........."
" And I know why you and Daddy got divorced, you got an "F" in sex!"

2007-11-13 22:05:48 · 16 answers · asked by seadog 5

where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

2007-11-13 21:59:05 · 8 answers · asked by Tony T 4

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...


I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.



I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people
are just jackas*es.


I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.


I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.


I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to others. They are more screwed up than you think.


I've learned that depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you
take it off.


I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after
you think you're finished.


I've learned to not sweat the petty things and not pet
the sweaty things.


I've learned that age is a very high price to pay for
maturity.

2007-11-13 21:47:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man who just got his salary decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good you can see my house far away up on that hill.” The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in your house,” the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he gives the man two bullets. “I’ll give you this scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s penis off.” The man takes another look through the scope and says: “You know what? I think I can do it in one shot.”

2007-11-13 21:43:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre.
When the usher came by he noticed this and whispered to the
man: "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."


The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient. "Sir, " he said, "if you don't get
up from there I'm afraid I'll have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher
even more. The Usher briskly marched back up the aisle in
search of the manager.


In a few moments both usher and manager returned and stood
over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move him, but with no success. Finally, they called the
police. A cop arrived and surveyed the situation briefly...



"All right buddy, what's your name?"


"Sam, " the man moaned.


"Ok Sam, where ya from?" the cop asked.


"The balcony."

2007-11-13 21:40:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

2007-11-13 21:32:03 · 28 answers · asked by Freakin 6

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE



The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

2007-11-13 21:07:28 · 3 answers · asked by tottallycrazyifink 1

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

2007-11-13 20:57:57 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

2007-11-13 20:56:46 · 10 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, why don't you **** off?"

2007-11-13 20:54:43 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2