Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Bronco the biker marries long-time biker chick Charlene. A few weeks after the wedding, Bronco meets his old friend Rex in a bar. ‘So how’s married like treating you?’ asks Rex. ‘Great,’ says Bronco. ‘Me and Charlene have our own trailer now.’ ‘Bet the sex must be good?’ says Rex. ‘I guess so,’ replies Bronco. ‘It’s the same as before, but it’s real handy not having to stand in line any more.’

2007-11-12 23:50:49 · 16 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Please STAR if you liked it!!

Three men were stuck on an island. They wished there was some way to get off the island. A genie appered. He told each man to pick a certain fruit and pick ten of it.
The first man came back with 10 apples. The genie told him to stick it up his butt without making any facial expression. If he did he would be killed.
On the 3rd apple the man winced. S the genie killed him.
The second man came back with 10 grapes. So there geneie told him to stick them up his butt one at a time without making a facial expression. The man was on his 9th grape and all of the sudden laughed. So the genie killed him.
In heaven the first man asks the second man, " Why did you do that? You could've gotten off the island and gone home to your family again!"
the secon man replies" because i saw the third guy coming back with 10 pinapples."


plz don't report me! I keep losing my questions, & i have no clue why! If you have reported me in the past, tell me why, & add me as a contact

2007-11-12 23:37:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little farm boy comes down to breakfast when his mother asks if he's done his chores. "Not yet," quips the boy to which his mother replys, "No chores, no breakfast." Pissed off, the little boy kicks a chicken while feeding the chooks as one of his chores. And while milking the cows, he kicks a cow. And feeding the pigs, he kicks a pig. Returning, his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where's the milk? And where's me bacon and eggs?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so no eggs. And for kicking the pig , no bacon. Likewise, for what you did to the cow, no milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mum and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

2007-11-12 23:25:41 · 8 answers · asked by zorro 2

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
could nay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells . . . . . .



"SUPPLIES!"

2007-11-12 22:44:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.


On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian
suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately
they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets
off on the 5th floor.


Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and
says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."



To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

2007-11-12 22:36:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.
The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."

2007-11-12 21:41:53 · 8 answers · asked by LeeA 3

Why men can pee standing up!!!
God was just about done creating humans but he had two things left over.
He could not decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought he might as well ask them.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a think that would allow the owner to pee standing up.
It is a very handy thing God told them and I was wondering if one of you had a preference for it.
Well ,adam jumped up and down,and begged,oh,please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that.It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please ! Pleeeease !give it to me !
On and on he went like an exited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if adam really wanted it so badly , he could have it.So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so exited he started whizzing all over the place-first on the side of a rock,then he wrote his name on the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a tree stump,ten feet away-

2007-11-12 21:17:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an ***hole.

2007-11-12 20:57:03 · 10 answers · asked by jake5282 2

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."

2007-11-12 20:54:13 · 14 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Cuz i only left mine in for a week a the bast*rds dead.

2007-11-12 20:54:07 · 9 answers · asked by Deborah C 3

Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.

2007-11-12 20:50:15 · 13 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

2007-11-12 20:48:37 · 15 answers · asked by Sparky 5

How did Mark legally marry three women in Michigan, without divorcing any of them, becoming legally separated, or any of them dying?

2007-11-12 20:12:14 · 13 answers · asked by Megs 2

The international telephone code when calling abroad from the United Kingdom is 00.

When you dial 007 you call....





RUSSIA!!!!

2007-11-12 19:00:32 · 7 answers · asked by Walter W. Krijthe 4

A woman went to see a plastic surgeon regarding a facelift. "There's something new called 'The Knob'. We implant a tiny knob on the back of your neck just above your hairline, so no one will know it's there. About once a month you give it a little twist just tight enough to pull out the wrinkles".

She had the surgery, but had a few questions about five years later. "Doc? What are these big bags under my eyes?"

"Oh no! You've been turning the knob too tight! Those are your breasts!"

"I see. That explains the goatee, too then"....

2007-11-12 17:44:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-12 16:29:00 · 12 answers · asked by Craig M 2

The World's Hardest Riddle

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.

Can you guess the riddle?

i found this riddle in a mysapce bulletine
is there really an answer to this riddle?

2007-11-12 14:20:39 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

2007-11-12 12:53:05 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-12 11:48:15 · 13 answers · asked by April 5

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed -- I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted".

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

2007-11-12 10:51:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The World's Hardest Riddle
I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.

2007-11-12 09:45:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Taffy is taking his driving test. Upon request he pulls of perfect parallel parking, three-point turn and emergency stop. The instructor turns to Taff and says "Can you make a U-turn?".

Taffy replies "If I can take her by the back legs I'll make her eyes water!"

2007-11-12 09:44:34 · 13 answers · asked by lazytramp789 6

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks
for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and
goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a couple of
minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three Knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says,
"you're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money
back."

2007-11-12 09:07:36 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-12 08:31:08 · 39 answers · asked by SoccerChick 2

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "*****!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my Mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

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"I was married 3 times," explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my third wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame," said his friend. "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.

One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

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The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

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Ad seen in paper:

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"

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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! You're not going to cut it off, are you???"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

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A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's this for?"

"This is for your headache," he says.

She says, "But I don't have a headache."

He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"

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Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.

Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."

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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

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"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

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The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

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Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a dog; a mongrel pup develops into a cur.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.

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Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although he couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the laundry.

Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked. "Why don't you just move out?"

"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained, "she makes such a damn good neighbor."

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Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

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Rex's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet, "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

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Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

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Overheard: "Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you were married?"

"No, He's only lived up to one of them."

"Which one was that?"

"He said he wasn't good enough for me."

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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can hold down a full time job, prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and said, "I don't freaking think so!!"

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It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" He promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

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A couple comes upon a wishing well. The wife leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The husband decides to make a wish, too. But he leans over too much, falls into the well and drowns. Stunned, the wife smiles broadly and exclaims, "It really works!"


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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
blah,blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES

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A lady sought out a fortune teller. The fortune teller tells her, "Be prepared for widowhood. Your husband will soon die a violent death."

The lady asked, " Will I be acquitted?"

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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the state lottery!"

Martha replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man says, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon."

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"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

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While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."

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Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the street next to the green. One of the men takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. When the procession has passed, the other man says, "That was a nice gesture."

"Well," the first guy says, "After twenty years of marriage, it was the least I could do for her."

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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, shows her the check and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!"

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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"


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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Two women were talking, when one said to the other: "Do you ever talk to your husband when you're making love?"

"Yeah," replied the second, "But only when he telephones!"

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in a six o'clock in the morning!"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

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A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "But I don't know her well enough."

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2007-11-12 06:30:48 · 7 answers · asked by ~brandy~ 3

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

2007-11-12 06:22:23 · 20 answers · asked by Synch88 3

Dear Diary,

Monday

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing". So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday

Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday

Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Monday

I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

Love,
Pam

2007-11-12 06:13:11 · 3 answers · asked by ~brandy~ 3

2007-11-12 05:59:55 · 22 answers · asked by Angel 2

2007-11-12 05:48:40 · 11 answers · asked by EAGLE 2

A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie: 'Hey, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Aussie: 'The dog doesn't talk, stupid!' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.' Aussie: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the creek once a week to play. '

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse? '

Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think. ' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool' Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect
me from the elements in the winter.

Aussie: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Sweating Aussie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a bloody liar!'

2007-11-12 05:35:42 · 16 answers · asked by titus 3