Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

God came down to earth and offered everyone the Ten Commandments. He went to the Mexicans, and asked: " I have Commandments for you..." Mexicans: What is it? God:Though shall not Steal." Mexicans: No Thanks!

God went to the UAE, he met an Arab, and asked them if they would like some Commandments. He asked: "I have Commandments for you..." Arabs: What is it? God: Though shall not Kill... Arabs: No thanks!

With no Success, he went to France, he saw a French and offered him the Commandments, when he asked him, the French replied: "What is it?" God: Though shall not commit adultery." French: No Thank you! Ciao!

God was getting frustrated, he went to the US, and asked an American if he would like to have a Commandment. American: What is it? God: Though shall not covet your Neighbor's wife... American: No Thanks!

He then went to the Jews, and asked them if they would like to have some Commandments... Jew: How many? God:TEN! Jew, We'll take them ALL!

2007-11-11 00:19:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1...What are you thinking about? 2...Do you love me? 3...Do I look fat? 4...Do you think she is prettier than me? 5...What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a...Baseball. b...Football. c...How fat you are. d...How much prettier she is than you. e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

2007-11-11 00:07:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

American jumps off and flies round the building three times and lands back where the other two are standing...Irish man said if you can do it so can i .With that he jjumps of the top......SPLATT..straight down to the pavement below..Englishman turns round to the american and says .....Youve got a rotten sense of humor sometimes CLARK KENT.

2007-11-10 21:16:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-10 21:01:06 · 10 answers · asked by CP 6

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her hubby is at work. Her 9 yr old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them & hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here"
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

2007-11-10 20:08:24 · 7 answers · asked by Opalfire 3

A brunette and 30 blondes were stranded in the sea. Finally a helicopter came to pick them up. First the brunette held onto the helicopter then the whole trail of 30 blondes one after each other holding onto the previous one's ankles.

After take off the pilot realised that they weren't able to fly any further cos it was too heavy. He said that one person would have to sacrifice themself. Nobody wanted to be the one. Finally the brunette said that she would do it, and all the blondes clapped for her.

2007-11-10 19:16:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you find my joke?...

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I have farted 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

After a week, the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent, they stink terribly!"

"Good!", the doctor said, now that we have cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

2007-11-10 18:00:51 · 14 answers · asked by xssy 3

qjthisqs fgisog pbestwk kiwayop pntohf utkeepg odaph bdidiotkj rtbusyfd wcforvj odsomehg ulsecondshg

can't read aye? read this by removing first and last two letters

2007-11-10 17:54:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bloke see's an advert in the pet shop, talkin centipede
1000 pounds. he buys it takes it home in a small box and after 30 mins he opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesen't answer, raising his voice
he repeats the question, still no reply, gettin angry thinkin he's been done he shouts the question at which the centipede sticks his head out and says "I heard you the first time ! I was putting my fuc*ing shoes on'' !!!======Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen. Why didn't report it? A. The thief was spending less then his wife.======Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? A. The dog. Once he's in, he shuts up!=======Two men are drinking beer and fishing one day and almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, one man says to the other, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

2007-11-10 17:48:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-10 17:43:28 · 6 answers · asked by *dolly* 3

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."

2007-11-10 17:27:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a Pet Shop and sees the most fantastic parrot ever. She asks how much it is.

The guy says it not for sale because its been causing problems with the use of language, which probably comes from where it used to live.

The woman insists saying she is not bothered by the swearing etc.. Offers the guy £300, he takes it, and she leaves with the parrot.

The parrot gets to the house, settles in and says 'Ah new house, New Madam'

The woman thinks ah this parrot used to live in a brothel...not so bad.

With that her 2 daughters arrive and the parrot says 'Ah New house, New Girls'. They all titter and think its quite funny

Then the husband comes home and the parrot says 'Hi, Andy how are you doing?

2007-11-10 17:24:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Phil goes on holiday and leaves his favourite dog with his brother James.

While away, Phil phones his brother to see how his dog is.

Tersely, James says: 'The dog is dead.'

'What?' says Phil, 'you can't just tell someone without warning, you have to break the news gently'.

'How?' asks James

'Well, the first time I call, say the dog is on the roof, that it's doing fine and not to worry. The next time say she jumped off the roof and broke a leg, that she's OK, but will have to stay at the vet's. Are you getting this?'

'Yes' says James.

'Good' says Phil. 'The next time I call, tell me the dog's wounds were infected and it died. Then it won't be such a shock to me, Got it?'

'Yes' says James.

By the way, says Phil. 'How's grandma doing?'

'Well' James says, 'she's on the roof.......'

2007-11-10 17:22:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband asked.

"Well, you don't give me enough money to afford any."

He immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the Sake of decency, here's 50 pounds; go and buy some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary,woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me"

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 pounds; go and buy some!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love 'oJasus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

2007-11-10 17:19:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the last company picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups

http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa99/lorynia/0000cups.jpg

2007-11-10 15:51:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

2007-11-10 15:48:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from Steinbrenner, to the bat boy." Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders And says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly, baby..." With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, Lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking and screaming, swearing "Bill you Fricking idiot!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up down, cheering, hooting and hollering, high-fiveing everywhere. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! They loved that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong. The agent says, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out The first PITCH

2007-11-10 15:21:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

2007-11-10 14:20:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

work suck? wife divorce you? life just isn't going well for you? well, try fukitol!! that's right, fukitol! the daily medicine pill that takes away depression! if life just blows, fukitol!

2007-11-10 12:39:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband at a fancy restaurant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that’s different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2007-11-10 12:36:11 · 13 answers · asked by wowser 5

One night while the residents of a wealthy home were away, a burglar broke into their house, hoping for some good booty. After he had taken all the jewelry he could find in the bedroom, he walked out into the hall, and into the kitchen. He stepped up to the silver cabinet and opened it-and froze, because out of nowhere he heard a cracky, soft voice saying "Jesus is watching you". But then there was silence. After a few minutes, he dismissed it as his imagination, and resumed his silver-pilfering. But then, the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you". Now he knew that it wasn't his imagination. Frantically shining his flashlight around the room, the beam quickly alighted on a green parrot, perched on a smock-hanger in a corner. Sighing from relief, he let his hand fall, and in a flash he saw the huge Doberman Pinscher that was sitting untied at the hanger's base. And just before he was taken down, he heard the parrot's voise rise high and shrill: "Sick 'em, Jesus!"

2007-11-10 12:34:29 · 9 answers · asked by Ory O Oreo 3

If there are 2 apples-one poisonous, the other not- and there are 2 people who know the answer, one who only tells the truth, and the other only tells a lie. You are only allowed to ask one question to find out which apple is not poisonous. What question do you ask?

2007-11-10 12:30:55 · 13 answers · asked by RB 2

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

husband: "Guess who?"
wife: "I know who it is!"
husband:"Guess what I want?"
wife: "I know what you want!"
husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

2007-11-10 12:10:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The Sales Girl notices him and asks him if she can help him?
He answers that he is looking for a box of Tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Confused the Sales Lady asks, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some Tampons for your wife?"
"Well, you see, it's like this," he replies, "Yesterday, I sent my wife out to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooooo much cheaper.
So..I figured if I have to roll my own....so does she."

2007-11-10 11:43:53 · 11 answers · asked by SERENA P 6

My best friend,
He has downsyndrom (if thats how you spell it) and he loves the theater and he stealles the show everytime we have a school production,
Well for auditions to the play he needs to tell a joke on stage, Ofcourse he will get into the play no matter, the audition isnt really needed for him, but he so wants to audition with all the other kids.
He has the mind of , maybe a 5-7 year old, and when he speaks he slurs and distorts the word, For example, "are we working on the play today" would read like "pway ...uh stag hehehe shool taday" Hes getting better,, so im telling you this so that maybe you can think of something simple.

My friend is an amazing person who just warms your heart everytime you see him. His eagerness in life and his love twords all other living creatures. Hes amazing he can memorize anything, but i think a good knock knock joke would be best.. I dont want to let him down

(leans back in chair) ok, done, all ideas appreciated ^_^

~Crow

2007-11-10 11:18:15 · 7 answers · asked by Crow 1

1. Could Bob's grandfathers son be Bob's father? (yes/no)

2. If there is 5 apples and you take away 2 how many do you have?

3. A blue house is made out of blue bricks, and a yellow house is made out of yellow bricks, then what is a greenhouse made of?

4. If you dig a hole 20 inches deep and 20 inches wide, how much dirt is in the hole?

5. Make 55 cents out of 2 U.S. coins, but one of them cant be a nickel.


use this format below to answer these questions

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

2007-11-10 10:38:09 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards"said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.

He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,

"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


Pls star if you thought it was funny.......

2007-11-10 10:08:50 · 13 answers · asked by Hope 6

My girl left me so I will leave for a few days

2007-11-10 09:57:54 · 34 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.


If you got confused and thought it was funny pls star it......

2007-11-10 09:38:27 · 24 answers · asked by Hope 6

2007-11-10 09:16:15 · 17 answers · asked by April 5