Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Pls star if it is...Thx.

An evangelical preacher stands before his congregation and claims to have the power from God to heal people's ailments. He asks for two volunteers.

A man raises his hand and says "Mych naaame ish Slarry, I've alsways hach a schpeaking probchlem."

Another man raises his hand and says "My name is Stan, and since I was a young boy, I've been on crutches."

So the preacher tell Larry and Stan to walk up to the alter and stand behind a screen, so that everyone can send their healing energy to the men behind the screen.

Everyone sends their prayers and energy to Stan and Larry. Then the preacher tells Stan to throw his crutches over the screen.

One crutch goes over the screen, followed by the other.

Then the preacher says, "Now, Larry speak to us!!"

And Larry says.....



"Slchtan fell slchdown."

2007-11-09 14:31:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-09 14:31:26 · 8 answers · asked by Bob 4

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

2007-11-09 14:30:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 or 1 years ago, i got lost in disneyland, It was SCARY,

It was the 50th anniversary and it was at night and it was the last day. so every one was rushing to see the fire works and I bent down and told my mum to wait because I was tieing my shoe and obviously she didn't like me or she didnt hear me and she walked off leaving me in the middle of disneyland BY MY SELF, I started crying and all that, next thing I know this girl from england grabbed my hand and took me to a safety person, and she radiod another safety person and then guess what, my mum found my we were both crying hard and we hugged, It was the SCARRIEST day of my life and that was when I was !!!!9-10!!!

This is a TRUE story

feel free to tell me yours

2007-11-09 14:28:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're so ulgy that when you were born, the doctor slapped you momma!

2007-11-09 14:17:49 · 42 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

Walks up to the window and slaps the driver in the face before he yells, "Let me see your license." Rears back and slaps him again and says, "Let me see your insurance." Once again he slaps the driver and says, "Give me your registeration." He writes the ticket and walks to the passenger side, reaches in and slaps the passenger. Passenger says, "Why the hell you slapping me?"
Cop says, "I'm granting you a wish."
Passenger, "What do you mean?"
Cop, "Because I know that if ya'll had driven a mile down the road, you'd have said, "I wish that SOB had slapped me."

2007-11-09 14:13:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want to see who can guess this riddle if you do ill choose u best answer first one gets it

A red house is built with red bricks a blue house is built with blue bricks a black house is built with black bricks. What is a green house made of?

2007-11-09 13:43:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-09 12:39:27 · 20 answers · asked by lady love 1

i want some good YO MAMA jokes BLONDE jokes.THANK YOU

2007-11-09 11:49:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye.His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the older boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her bum. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me, Dad."
"Johnny," the father says, "you don't do those kinds of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Little Johnny comes home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father says, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk."
"But Dad," Little Johnny says, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her bum again. Then Little Bobby, who was sitting next to me, saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in."

2007-11-09 11:39:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

So a guy goes into a resturant and he orders. he says to the waitress "I'll have a diet water and a female vannilla sundae".
she says" A FEMALE SUNDAE? what on earth is that?" He says.....






"you know! the kind with no nuts!"

2007-11-09 11:05:50 · 22 answers · asked by julia❀✿ 5

a man in his 50's is sitting on the couch watching TV and says to his girlfriend open the door or something it's hot in here

and she answers it's not hot in here,
are you getting hot flashes

maybe you're going through "Manopause"

hahaha

2007-11-09 11:04:31 · 4 answers · asked by Now I'm Outta Here 7

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Australian:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He lived on the Coast.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.






AMEN!

2007-11-09 11:02:36 · 10 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his Father what this was and the father (never having seen an elevator) replied, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an oversized older lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and an extremely attractive 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

2007-11-09 10:44:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too!.

2007-11-09 10:41:33 · 8 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

Pls star if you enjoyed this one. Thx.

2007-11-09 10:38:36 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."

2007-11-09 10:23:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again, and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

2007-11-09 10:22:28 · 10 answers · asked by Bluelady... 7

How Injuns name their offspring....

On a beautifull day an indian child went to talk to his father:
"Father, why are our names so long & complicated?"
The father turned to him:
"Well son, it's an ancient indian tradition that when a new baby is born your mother and I would name it after the first view of nature that our eyes see when we get out of the tent, for example when we had your elder sister, we named her "Beatifull shining rainbow next to the sun" because it had stopped raining and we saw a beautifull rainbow when we got out of the tent!
When we had your older brother we named him "Lightning shattering the sky and the rain" because it was raining and a lightning struck when we got out of the tent...
You seem a bit upset...is something bothering you "Two dogs $hitting by tent????"

Pls star if you liked it. Thanx

2007-11-09 10:21:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was telling his neighbor," I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's tate of the art. It's perfect."
" Really," answered the neighbor, " What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty".

2007-11-09 10:05:59 · 9 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.



The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"



The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."



The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."



The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"



Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"



The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"



The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

2007-11-09 10:05:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

2007-11-09 09:56:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my girlfriend here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful babe, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

2007-11-09 09:55:09 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

George W Bush is having a conversation on the phone with some former presidents. president bush asks george washingthon how can i be a better president to make the country better george washinghton says dont lie george bush says its too late to do that then he calls thomas jefferson and asks how can i make the country better jefferson says learn to read or write president bush says its too late for that let me call abraham lincholn when president bush called abraham licholn he asked how can i make the countrey better Aberaham Lincholn says yea, go to a theatere.

2007-11-09 09:54:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."
Chief: "What sort of problem?"
Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."
Chief: "Important like the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."
Chief: "Important like the governor?"
Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."
Chief: "Like the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."
Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"

2007-11-09 09:52:24 · 10 answers · asked by porfirio_pena13 1

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

2007-11-09 09:50:31 · 16 answers · asked by tastybits 7

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes
a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"

2007-11-09 09:45:20 · 19 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2007-11-09 09:36:42 · 19 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5year old son playing w/ his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son say, "All of u sons of b**che$ who want off, get the hell off now.. cuz this is the last stop! & all of u sons of b**che$ who r getting on, get ur @$$E$ on the train..cuz we're going on down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want u 2 go 2 ur room & u r 2 stay there 4 TWO HOURS. When u come out, u may play w/ ur train...but I want u 2 use nice language.'
>
> Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say...
'All passengers, plz remember ur things, thank u & hope ur trip was a pleasant one. We hope u will ride with us again soon. She heard her little darling continue.. 4 those of u just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train.

2007-11-09 08:46:06 · 17 answers · asked by Samantha1029 5

Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber.

0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

2007-11-09 08:26:04 · 19 answers · asked by Sparky 5