Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Peyton Manning lives a full life and the dies. He goes to heaven and God is showing him around. Finally after awile God takes Peyton up to a hill with a nice size house on it with a faded colts flag in the window. God tells Peyton "This is your house for eternity, be happy not many people get houses around here." Peyton feels special indeed but as he walks up to he house he notice that the house to the right of his is a 5 story-tall black and purple mansion, with several tall flag poles with Ravens flags on them and a Ravens towel in every window. Peyton goes up to God and says "God I don't mean to be ungrateful but I was a hall of fame quarterback, set many records and won a super bowl." God replies "Yeah Peyton, What's your point?" Peyton askes "Why does Ray Lewis get a bigger house than me?" God chuckles and says "Peyton, that's not Ray's house, its mine."

2007-11-08 14:02:32 · 4 answers · asked by elkciprider 2

There are 3 construction guys taking a lunch break on the roof of a building they're woking on. The first guy, an Italian guy, opens his lunchbox. "Ayie, come on now. My friggin wifa, she a makes me da same a thing everyday. Chicken parmaseana. I'm tired of it" and he throws his lunch off the roof!
The second guy, a black guy, opens his luchbox. "Daamnnn he says. Me too! My wife gives me fried chicken day in and day out! I can't eat it again" and throws his off the roof too!
The third guy, a Polish guy, looks down at his closed lunchbox, and throws it right off the roof! The other two guys look at eachother confused. The italian guy says "whatsa wrong with you. you a didn't even open da box!" The polish guys says, "Ha, didn't have to. I make my own lunch".

2007-11-08 14:00:26 · 8 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

So a engineer dies and goes to heaven. He gets to the gates but is stopped by an angel who says "There must be some sort of mistake. You're not supposed to be here." so the angel snapes his fingers and the engineer finds himself in hell. A few weeks later God dicides to go check on how Satan is doing in hell. When he gets there and askes Satan how things are going Satan says "Great! We have air conditioning and escalators now! Who knows what that engineer will come up with next!" God immediatly says "There has been a huge mistake. Send that engineer up to me immediatly or I'll sue!" Satan chuckles and askes "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

2007-11-08 13:45:36 · 12 answers · asked by elkciprider 2

You're laying awake in bed... its is dark... it is quiet. You can't sleep, and it is already two o'clock in the morning. You try to doze off, and just before you do, you hear something in the other room. Your eyes snap open! Your heart begins to race. You hold your breath, listening intently... ... ... ...silence. You sit up slowly. Was it just your imagination? You begin to relax.
There it is again! Something is in the house! Quietly you creep out of bed and toward the door. You listen with all your might. Your heart is beating in your ears. What is it? What could it be? Witha trembling hand, you reach for the knob. Slowly, so slowly, you turn it. You carefully ease open the door.... Peering into the darkness, you strain to see any movement....
But all is still. All is quiet. Cautiously you poke your head out of the doorway. Your breathing begins to slow. Perhaps it was nothing at all... the wind, maybe?

All at once a light blinds you. You shield your eyes. Blinking, you see _

2007-11-08 13:35:09 · 9 answers · asked by **Julie** 1

A man walks up to a bar and a nun is outside, blocking him, protesting. "Drink is Evil" she says. She keeps blocking him and he gets irritated and asks her. "How do you know? Have you ever tried it?". "Well I guess you have a point there" she says. "Well how about I buy you a drink so you can see for yourself" he replies. She says "Well, OK, but make it a gin so nobody smells it on my breath. And put it in a cup so nobody knows". He says "Fair enough" and go into the bar. He asks the bartender for a beer and a gin in a cup. The bartender says "Is that damn nun out there again?"

2007-11-08 13:22:04 · 9 answers · asked by phil8656 7

visit the doctors.. husband is hard of hearing..

Doc to the man; l will need a urine sample and a stool sample..

Husband asks his wife; what did he say?

Wife; he needs your underwear!!

2007-11-08 13:07:39 · 11 answers · asked by chelle 2

We're playing volleyball in pe and this kid says he's the best player on the team and right after that he served and it went behind him! Then, he said he has played since he was 4. Right AS HE WAS SAYING THIS he bumped the ball right into his face!

2007-11-08 12:53:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a *******".

2007-11-08 12:37:49 · 14 answers · asked by Penguin2208 3

Three nuns died and they're at St Peter's pearly gates. St Peter greets them and says, 'Sorry ladies we're a little full today, you're going to have to answer a question to get in.'
'Okay' replied the nuns, ' No problem-o'.
'Right' said St Peter, and he turned to the first nun. 'Here's your question...
'Who was the first woman on earth?'

'That's easy' replied the nun, 'Eve'

'Yep that's right. You're in,' replied St Peter.

He turned to the 2nd nun and asked,
'Where did Adam and Eve live?'

'In the garden of eden,' replied the 2nd nun.

'Yep. that's right... You're in,' replied St Peter.

Now he turned to the l3rd nun. 'Now because you're a Superior nun, you must have a more difficult question...
'What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?'

'Ooh, ah, umm... That's a hard one' replied the nun.

...and he replied: 'Yep, you got it... you're in!'

Pls Star if you like it...it got violated this morning but I'll keep posting them anyway. Thx,

2007-11-08 12:29:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny sees his fathers car passing the park and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the car. Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother
I was at the park and I saw daddys car go into the woods with Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddys face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
..then daddy and Jane did the same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to.

2007-11-08 12:17:34 · 16 answers · asked by Penguin2208 3

This morning I posted two nun jokes and both got deleted for Violations...they were pretty funny and lame too. I do hope any pinko commie who thinks he sits at the right hand of God and that his job is to censor us moves on to another category....this place is for JOKES dummy.

------------------------------------------------------
I hereby post another one...Pls Star if you like it. Thanks.
-----------------------------------------------------=
Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one
said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it
really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that
Mother Superior doesn't find them." The second nun said,
"I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works
really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the
condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it
all later!"
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could
find them.
"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the
pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug
store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the
pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms
please" said the nun.
The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon
enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like - there are 12 to a
box." "I'll take six boxes that should last about a week" said the
nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was
almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism
prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms
would you like-we have large, extra large, and big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not
certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?
He fainted.

2007-11-08 12:16:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens.
He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door.
She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens.
She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice:
"They should have thought of that before they joined my church."

2007-11-08 12:02:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

2007-11-08 11:58:12 · 17 answers · asked by Jessie 2

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's *** before the day was over."

2007-11-08 11:52:19 · 24 answers · asked by Jessie 2

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

2007-11-08 11:47:26 · 15 answers · asked by ? 3

...his sleeping pills?
He ended up having forty w*nks!

2007-11-08 11:37:54 · 6 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 250 to 500 $ in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the 500$, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and ask her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks. "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I wont put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the 500$ refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says. " Good grief! You'd think for 500$ they'd
at least iron it!"


( He nerver heard the shot)

2007-11-08 11:27:27 · 8 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

2007-11-08 11:17:46 · 3 answers · asked by samadhisativa 2

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with this odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!)
"a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosos"

2007-11-08 11:02:07 · 7 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

What do u do when a blonde throws a pin at u?
Run shes still holding the grenade.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
She didnt want to wake up the sleeping pills.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
Because it said concentrate on it.

How do u make a blonde laugh on wednesday?
Tell her a joke on monday.

What do u call a blonde standing in between 2 brunettes?
A mental block

Did u hear about the blonde with tyre marks on her back?
She crawled across the street when the sign said "dont walk"

2007-11-08 10:42:12 · 7 answers · asked by Bubbles 2

ok there is 3 monks and a preist. the preist says to the 3 monks go out and do whatever you want and god will forgive your sins once you get back. so the 3 monks go do their thing. when they get back the preist says to the first one what did you do? and the monk says i robbed a bank so the preist says go drink from the holy water. then the preist asks the second one what he did and he said he vandalized a school so the preist tells him to go drink from the holy water. and then he asked the 3rd monk what he did and he said ''i peed in the holy water"

2007-11-08 10:36:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 11 people holding onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping

2007-11-08 10:31:03 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ Chelsea ♥ 2

Need something to refresh my brain. Please tell me a joke--any joke. I want to ha-ha.

2007-11-08 10:28:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Brunette-blonde would stop and ask for directions first

The assistant asked if she would like her pizza cut into 6 or 12 pieces?
"Six please" she replied, "I could never eat 12"

2 blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a clothes hanger.
First blonde, "I cant seem to get this door unlocked"
Second blonde, "Well u better hurry up, its starting to rain and the top is down"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking it was a little strange, he asked why she was wearing them instead of old clothes.
She showed him the instructions in the tin,
She replied, "For best results, put on two coats"

2007-11-08 10:26:03 · 18 answers · asked by Bubbles 2

2007-11-08 10:21:00 · 2 answers · asked by irish_matt 7

Never chase a dog into a dead-end alley.

2007-11-08 10:14:46 · 6 answers · asked by JustaGIRL 2

One person from the insane asylum gives a test to see who's crazy and who isn't. After his seminar, this man comes up to him, and asks what one of his tests are. The scientist says, "well what we do is we give a person a full bathtub. Then we give them a spoon, a teacup, and a bucket." then the man says, "oh, i see. So normal people would take the bucket to empty it the fastest, while crazies would take the smaller ones." the scientist says, "No, normal people would usually take the plug out of the tub. Would you like a bed next to the window?"

2007-11-08 10:01:26 · 8 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ***?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,
"How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

2007-11-08 09:46:02 · 19 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

if u stand out side naked in winter wehn it snows u lose 10 lbs

2007-11-08 09:44:26 · 22 answers · asked by Meg 2

And he wore his fox hat. When he got there some people said "why are you wearing a fox hat in the summer? You must be boiling!" He said "I'm just doing what I'm told. When I told the queen mother where I was coming today she said 'Where the focks at?!'"

2007-11-08 09:36:07 · 5 answers · asked by Acai 5