Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

2007-11-08 21:55:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to
meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about
you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

2007-11-08 21:54:13 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city"
outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young
woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm
from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can
do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted
his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four
inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor,
ma'am?"

2007-11-08 21:49:08 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck
when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got
aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd
get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she
hasn't had a headache in years."

2007-11-08 21:45:58 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and
the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six,
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to believe in!"

2007-11-08 21:43:36 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to
sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him
in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK."
And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this
match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you
don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no
sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

2007-11-08 21:42:06 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," says the Genie to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

2007-11-08 21:32:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then
started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

2007-11-08 21:32:02 · 18 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "****. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

2007-11-08 21:31:15 · 15 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.

2007-11-08 21:30:01 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20.
Just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if
I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

2007-11-08 21:29:19 · 2 answers · asked by Gina B 4

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

2007-11-08 21:29:07 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

4 surgeons were sitting and discussing who they like to operate on. The 1st surgeon said:" I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is on alphabetical order." The 2nd surgeon said:" I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order." The 3rd surgeon said:" I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded".
The 4th surgeon said:" I like operating on politicians."
The other 3 surgeons looked at each other in disbelief until one of them asked:"Why?"
The 4th surgeon replied:" Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless and their butt and head are interchangeable."

2007-11-08 21:21:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

2007-11-08 21:18:33 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts.
I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed
to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry,
so I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don\'t worry," she said, "I\'ll pack some more trays and have
them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom
over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who
wanted bigger br*asts please meet me at the back of the
store."

2007-11-08 20:13:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus was on top of the Tower of Babel and spotted his apostle, Paul, down below. He yelled out to him "Paul!" Paul looked up and said "Yes my Lord?" Jesus said "Come hither". Paul fought off the Roman soldiers but was thrown from the first landing, which broke both his arms. Jesus again yelled "Paul, come hither!" Paul kicked his way past the soldiers and made it to the second level, from where he was tossed and broke both his legs. Jesus called "Paul, come hither!". Paul spent the next ten hours slithering his way up, head-butting the ankles of the soldiers and arrived at the top, all dirty,scratched, and bleeding very badly. He looked up at Jesus and said "Yes my Lord?" Jesus said "Paul, I can see your house from here...."

2007-11-08 19:39:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, they were just layin' there sunning and the lady next door went out to sweep her porch. This damned French Poodle shot out the door, and straight down the road it headed!!
The 2 ole' hounds jumped-up & started chasin' the hell outta the French Poodle.........One hound looked over at the other and said,
"ain't this a biotch? The other hound says, "Well, it damned sure better be!"

2007-11-08 18:54:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into
the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting
for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had
tennis elbow once."

2007-11-08 18:26:13 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The
personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to
her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that
she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel
manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill
job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else.
The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line,
explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager's
door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting
about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly
backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that
the line manager show him the problem.
Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were
backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was
the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the
material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both
watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and
started sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he
pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said,
"I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you
to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

2007-11-08 18:16:59 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car,
was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's
license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact
that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's
license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving
a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the
stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

2007-11-08 18:06:00 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

2007-11-08 16:09:47 · 19 answers · asked by Hope 6

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this ***** is giving you a hard time?"

2007-11-08 16:03:06 · 14 answers · asked by Hope 6

its not candy!

2007-11-08 15:53:05 · 11 answers · asked by Trell 1

If so, please elaborate by telling me how clever you are as or if you sneak a peak.

2007-11-08 15:45:15 · 8 answers · asked by "Johns" 7

Say "here" or "Present"

2007-11-08 15:31:30 · 20 answers · asked by Trell 1

Honey I glad I'm not leaving you lonely.
BYE

2007-11-08 15:30:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

For instance, when my wife tells me I'm getting fat, I tell her that if we turn back-to-back, we look like parenthesis.

or if she asks if that dress makes her look fat, tell her "No, but your belly and your back-side does."

Take my advice and won't have to worry about the difficulties of being married any more.

2007-11-08 15:04:59 · 4 answers · asked by nytebreid 7

Where is the broom?
I asked, Going somewhere?

2007-11-08 14:48:03 · 16 answers · asked by crankydad_9999 3

Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter......................
Jill came down with two-fifty.
Jack came down with a smile.

2007-11-08 14:34:46 · 5 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

And what really great perks come with your job?

2007-11-08 14:26:26 · 6 answers · asked by Kentucky Dave 6