Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

2007-11-07 23:45:30 · 16 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Woman in a bar buys a double vodka and coke then takes out a photo from her top pocket, looks at it then puts this back. She does this evry time she has a double. After her 8th doucle the barman asks why do you do that? She replys 'its a picture of my husband and when he looks good enough to f&^k ill go home'!!

2007-11-07 21:11:20 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once while captain Bravoo was sailing through the sea,
one of the sailors yelled "1 SHIP OF PIRATES A HEAD US"
Then captain Bravoo shouted "GIVE ME MY RED SHIRT"
& he fought the Pirates & win.

on the 2nd day the sailor called again "2 SHIP OF PIRATES A HEAD US" ,
and quickly captain Bravoo demanded his red shirts
nd fought the Pirates & achieved victory.

on the evening, the the whole crew asked their captain why he always wore his red shirts before the battle,
the captain Bravo replied:
"bcs if i get injured, then i don't want my men to see my blood".

on the next day, the sailor yelled "10 pirates ships a head us".
and all the men looked at there captain waiting his usual demands when he yelled saying:
"GIVE MY BROWN PANTS"

2007-11-07 21:03:09 · 8 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

A woman went to her doctor's
office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but about
4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming
and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked
what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down
and calm down in other exam room.


The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's wrong with you.? Mrs Jones is 63 years
old, and you told her she was pregnant?"


The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on
his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
==============================choice
an irish man on a plane and the stewartess asks if he'd
like a drink, he say's he'll have a double whiskey,
so she gives it to him . she askes the priest beside him if
he'd also like a double whiskey, he say, i'd rather
be rode by a dozen ladies of the night than let that foul liquid pass my lips, the irish guy gives his drink back to her saying, i
didn't know we had a choice

2007-11-07 20:33:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-07 20:29:41 · 9 answers · asked by asmahan 1

A guy applies for a job at a South African government dept.
The interviewer asks:"Are you disabled in any way?"
"Yes",says the guy,"an explosion at Iraq blew off my balls!"
"Well working hours are from eight to five o'clock...make sure you are here by ten every morning",said the interviewer.
Puzzled poor guy says:"Eight till five o'clock...so why do you only want me here by ten?"
This is a government job",the interviewer says,"the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls....no point in you coming in for that...!".

2007-11-07 20:18:33 · 15 answers · asked by ms avarage 2

Do you laugh? Do you walk away? Do you say something to them?

2007-11-07 19:33:22 · 7 answers · asked by Corey (Go Dubs!) 7

Filing Taxes

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a *****."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 2,000 cocks last year."

2007-11-07 18:02:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guy: Do you know that 93% of girls masturbate in the shower... the other 7% sing...
Girl: Oh Really?
Guy: Yeah do you know what song they sing?
Girl: No??
Guy: Then you must be the 93% that are masturbating...

2007-11-07 17:31:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

......."Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1920 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1975 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2007 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

2007-11-07 17:11:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

2007-11-07 17:07:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"


"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Yeah . Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"


The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The redneck said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the redneck.

(We in Arkansas may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as some government employees.)

2007-11-07 17:05:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rather than shoot it to get the trophy he came for, the man very carefully approaches the elephant and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to limp away, but then turned and stared at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way.

"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

Twenty few years later the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it knows him.

The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look.

With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face.

The elephant reached down... picked the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... then throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn't the same elephant.

2007-11-07 17:01:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if you like this one...Thx.

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

2007-11-07 16:22:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

His friends have recommended that while in town he should visit a seafood restaurant to try Boston scrod (yes, that's a real fish). So on the way from the airport to his hotel, he asks the cabdriver:

"Hey, cabbie, what's a good place in this town to get scrod?"

The cabdriver looks into the rear view mirror and says,

"Buddy, in the 20 years that I've been driving this cab, I've been asked that question many times, and in many ways. But you're the first joker who ever asked it in the pluperfect subjunctive tense!!!!!"

2007-11-07 16:12:23 · 8 answers · asked by Michael M 7

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."




im kinda slow so could someone please explain?

2007-11-07 16:11:06 · 6 answers · asked by Victoria 4

2007-11-07 15:39:54 · 13 answers · asked by dlaetare 3

My favorite word is FIRETRUCK!

2007-11-07 15:11:07 · 18 answers · asked by Goychie 5

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says: "Are you sure?"
The first replies: " Yes, I'm positive."

2007-11-07 14:40:10 · 8 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

2007-11-07 14:36:15 · 11 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

"What the president is never allowed to say?"

Funniest for 10!!!!

2007-11-07 13:52:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Yo mama's so fat when she ate a salad the world's rainforests went extinct.

2What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

"It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole

3A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her
father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from
staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but
nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her
but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for
her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to
miss it!"

12or3

2007-11-07 13:40:37 · 15 answers · asked by ☠Rockin Punk☠ 2

With a "Y"
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny!

From Comedy Central, joke of the day. Someone explain it to me?

2007-11-07 13:39:24 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this optical illusion and it's called dancing lady.http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22556281-661,00.html if you go to this website, there's the illusion. She's going one way but some people say she goes another! If you could help me figure out how she goes counter clockwise instead of clockwise, i'll give you best answer (BEST ANSWER COMES WITH 10 POINTS!!!!)

2007-11-07 13:25:15 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a young man named bill
who swallowed a dynamite pill
he's heart retired
his bum backfired
and his willy shot over the hill






thank you...

2007-11-07 13:10:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

the original sentences go in this way:
the reason i don't like being a waiter is that i was always moving. because of the constant line at the door, as soon as one group left, another would take its place. i usually have only a twenty -minute lunch and a ten-minute break in almost nine hours of work.

2007-11-07 13:10:21 · 2 answers · asked by mawenyan 1

Little Johnny was sitting in his room when he heard strange noises coming from his parents room. He went to their door and opened it slightly, just enough to see his mother bent over the dresser and his father going at it from behind. His dad turned around and winked and asked him to close the door. Johnny went back to his bedroom, and about a half an hour later is dad came into his room.. he saw Johnny's grandmother bent over the dresser and Johnny going at it from behind. His dad screamed "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" & Johnny said, "It's not so funny when it's your mom now is it?"

2007-11-07 13:07:48 · 14 answers · asked by zaneeeee 2

At baseball games, some people sneak down to good seats. Then, when som1 is yellin at them, they look at their tickets all confused. Its like, Oh! yea! these are good seats! We got the crap ones!

2007-11-07 12:45:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
next!"

Anyone like it?

2007-11-07 12:43:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer please...

2007-11-07 12:33:42 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous