Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

a nurse is given a hospital tour. she looks in a room and to her surprise she sees a man masturbating "thats awfull" she says to the dr, he explains that man has a incurable condition his testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in awfull pain. "poor man" says the nurse.
in the next room she descovers a nurse giving a man oral sex "explain that" she says to the dr. the dr replies "same condition but he's with BUPA!

2007-11-07 03:03:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Childeren at a Catholic school were gettin their lunches. At the end of the line a teacher had put a sighn on a plate of apples saying : take only one God is watching. further down the line a student had placed a sighn on a plate of cookies saying : Take all ya want God is watching the apples.

2007-11-07 03:02:37 · 19 answers · asked by Teaser 3

If ur lover has put on 2 much weight get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles at night, by the end of the week the fat ......... will be 42 miles away!!!!!

2007-11-07 03:02:01 · 7 answers · asked by Sasha 4

Read these lines from Left to right

This is this that
This is is that
This is how that
This is to that
This is keep that
This is an that
This is old that
This is fart that
This is busy that
This is for that
This is forty that
This is seconds that


Now look at the third word in each line :)

2007-11-07 02:54:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-07 02:26:55 · 6 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

can you answer my riddle?

2007-11-07 01:49:12 · 13 answers · asked by Thori D 1

Sorry for the lame joke posted earlier.

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2007-11-07 01:39:07 · 2 answers · asked by Johnny 7

A thirthy year old male died and went to hell
Anyway he looked around and saw no fires so hes thinking ,could be worse.Then the devils appears and greets him .Now he says to the man "Do you like drugs,I do thats some of the cause of me dying
Well Monday devil says we have a drug party any drugs U want .Great he says.Devil do you like drinking,Oh yes thats the other reason I died.Tuesday is drinking day any drink U want ,no hang over next day as your dead.Great again he says
Girls the devil's says like them too .Oh yes he says (Drugs Women and Drinking thats why I died.Well Wednesday is the day then orgies all day and you wont get aids as your dead.This Hell is not a bad place he says to the Devil,good the devil says
Now the devil says do you like GAYS,no he says I hate gays dirty S.O.B 's .Well then ,the devil says your not going to like Thursday then

2007-11-07 01:38:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an Indian, a caveman, and a cowboy. One day they ran out of food and decided to go hunting. The Indian went out and got a bear, the caveman and the cowboy said, how did you get that? He said,” Me find tracks me follow tracks me get bear." So the next day the cowboy went out and got a deer, the caveman said,” How did you get that? He said "Me find tracks me follow tracks me get deer." So when the caveman got backs from his hunt all bloody, and disfigured. The Indian and cowboy said,” How did that happen?" The caveman replied, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks me get hit by train!!"

2007-11-07 01:29:39 · 11 answers · asked by Vanka 3

Most ridiculous British law:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 percent)

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (seven percent)

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (six percent)

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (five percent)

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (four percent)

6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (four percent)

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3.5 percent)

8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (three percent)

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (three percent)

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (two percent)

2007-11-07 01:27:42 · 10 answers · asked by Leff_NutZ 5

Now some british black humor


lol
Q.What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.

Hope you like it, is it up to my usual standards, I hate to disappoint my fans.

2007-11-07 01:20:59 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men shipwrecked on an island are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them the only way to avoid becoming dinner is to undergo the ‘Ordeal of Fruit’. The men accept at once, and the chief sends them into the jungle to collect 100 pieces of fruit and bring them back to him. The first man comes back with 100 grapes. The chief says that if he can shove all the grapes up his **** without giggling then he will be free. But no sooner has the first grape reached his butt than the man bursts out laughing. ‘What’s so funny?’ the chief asks. ‘Don’t you realize we’re going to kill you now?’ ‘I’m sorry,’ the sailor replies. ‘It’s just that my friend is collecting pineapples.’

2007-11-07 01:09:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father
what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh...
you go there to... have a good time." The boy starts screaming and
hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that
he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a
good time", not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and
tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit
puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three
doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father
approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.
"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"
"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the
last."

2007-11-07 01:04:44 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

It's higher than 10 but lower than 90. First person gets 10 points!

2007-11-07 00:56:57 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two midgets go from church to church asking at the door, if there were any midget nuns. At each church...the answer was no.

When they finished at the last church and got the same answer, the one midget says to the other, "You see Alfred, I told you that was a penguin that you screwed."

2007-11-07 00:43:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two fish swiming around a tank and one says to the other are we there yet. funny or not?

2007-11-07 00:13:51 · 7 answers · asked by Phillip K 1

Little Johnny saw his dads car pass the playground and drive into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and found his dad kissing his auntie Jane...........
When Johnny got home he started to tell his mum in a rush what he had seen.
''Daddy drove into the woods and started to kiss Auntie Jane. He took her top off and she undid his trousers. Auntie Jane then lay down and daddy....''
MUM: ''Stop there. I think I'd like to hear the end of this story at tea when dad's home, to see the look on his face.''

At tea, Johnny starts to tell the story to his dad.
He describes the car going into the woods, the kissing, the undressing, the laying down and dad climbing onto Aunt Jane.

''Then you started to do what mummy used to do with uncle Jack when you were away in the army.''

2007-11-07 00:01:53 · 15 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

2007-11-06 23:11:55 · 8 answers · asked by cnored9528 3

A rich man was driving and came across a wrecked car. When he looked again he saw that there was a beautiful lady trapped in it. He saved her and drove her to the hospital as she was unconscious.The man stood by her side for 6 months as she was in a coma.He even donated blood to save her at times.When she woke up they fell in love and got married. A year down the line,she decides to leave him cos he loves his money more then her. She packs up and as shes about to leave, he steps in front of the door says "where are u going?" She responds "I've had enough of u. U love ur money more then me." He replies " Oh so are u leaving in the car that I bought for u?I dont think so." So she throws the car keys at him. He goes on "what about the clothes in that suitcase, isnt that what I bought for u?" She empties the suitcase, leaves it on the floor. He says I stood by u for 6 months and even donated blood to save u. She pulled out a used tampon and says
"I'll pay u back in monthly instalments."

2007-11-06 22:44:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and awife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: S**ual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: £3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The s*x is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The s*x is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sp**m would taste like chocolate

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why did God give men p*nises?
A: So he'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

2007-11-06 22:35:03 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
lol

2007-11-06 22:22:54 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the **** away from me."
lol

2007-11-06 22:12:46 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about
leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round
Table.So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to
Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and
he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was
back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his
latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large
hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king
exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady,
the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his
cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then
selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway.
He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon
a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the
device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled
all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an
informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them
was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir
Galahad.
"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only
you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to
grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.

2007-11-06 22:08:57 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

i went into the butchers the other day and he offerd me eight legs of venison for £450 but i thought it was too dear

2007-11-06 22:08:27 · 12 answers · asked by darth tidiot 6

Enjoy
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ?5" he says.
"?5 !! Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ?10" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"?50" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"?100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and ?100 would be very handy...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god'?"
While continuing to fondle her **** he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get ?100 ?
l

2007-11-06 21:59:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait.

2007-11-06 21:55:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while
another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies
are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks
it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks
it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. ? She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically, "I guess all those fuc*ing lessons I took over
the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken
golf lessons instead!"==================A guy walks into a post office
one day to see a middle aged, balding man standing at the
counter methodically placing "Love" stamps
on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He takes
out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them. His curiosity getting the better of him, goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

2007-11-06 21:50:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the
night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the
keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to
himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my *thumb*"


Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get
married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and
have s*x. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts
his p*nis in the mommy's v*gina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's
room you had daddy's p*nis in your mouth. What do you get
when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.

2007-11-06 21:46:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does

2007-11-06 21:43:51 · 6 answers · asked by Simon 2

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband
is at work.


Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and
hides in the bedroom closet to watch.


The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover
in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, "Dark in here."


The man says, "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have a baseball."


Man - "That's nice."


Boy - "Want to buy it?"


Man - "No, thanks"


Boy - "My dad's outside."


Man - "OK, how much?"


Boy - "$250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.


Boy - "Dark in here."


Man - "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have a baseball glove."


The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How
much?"


Boy - "$750"


Man - "Fine."

2007-11-06 21:42:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous