Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Four women were sitting around one night talking about
their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames
based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because
he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has
seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call John 'Coke' because he's
'The real thing'"
The fourth woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard
liquor."
The fourth woman replied: "THAT'S MY CHRIS"

2007-11-06 21:38:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Charles and the Pope...Interesting

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia
lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned?
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope
===============
An elderly couple was sitting together watching television.



During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever
happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial,
the wife replied, "I really don't know. I don't
even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
=========================
Wife says to husband: You remin d me of the sea.
Husband : Why ? Is it because I am mysterious and unexplored ?
Wife : No,you just make me dizzy !!

2007-11-06 21:38:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

2007-11-06 21:38:13 · 6 answers · asked by Simon 2

two irish men in the pub chatting, paddy asks if i shag your
wife and she has a kid would that make us related?no says
murphy that would make us even=================You go in for routine surgery,
you come out with a tail.
You recognize your doctor as the kid who was mopping the
lobby as you checked in.
Instead of sponge bath, they send a St. Bernard to lick you.
As you are going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am
I hungover!"
In the operating room, you see a surgeon holding a sign that
says, "WILL DO SURGERY FOR FOOD!"
All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Dr Phil.
You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.
Through the fog of anesthesia, you hear the surgeon shouting,
"Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it."
Instead of "patient, " they use the term "plaintiff."

2007-11-06 21:37:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After
a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets,
water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a
pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan up and asks with
a sneer: “Hey buddy, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan snickered back, “Things are going
great actually. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing, toilets,
escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there’s
no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer?
That’s a mistake - he should never have gone down there;
send him back up.”
To which Satan replied, “No way dude.
I like having an engineer on staff, I’m keepin him.”
God retorted, “Send him back up here or
I’ll sue.” Satan laughs loudly and answers, “Yeah,
right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?”

2007-11-06 21:37:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman had been on the game for 4 years & woz worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding nite. so she decided 2 tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said, just how far across the f***ing field were u before you realised it was caught ?

2007-11-06 21:27:09 · 14 answers · asked by stugale4 2

If a man buys a sports car to make up for a small you-know-what, why do so many women drive about in a MPV?

2007-11-06 21:23:48 · 10 answers · asked by johnstonemac 6

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the
time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is
yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the
toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their *** to search
the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse
to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and
eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't
eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where
are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see
that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and
stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't
really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

2007-11-06 21:23:46 · 10 answers · asked by little kitty 3

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with
your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
"I can't p*ss out of it." the man replied.

2007-11-06 21:22:11 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

2007-11-06 21:18:24 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Two Rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the rednecks,"I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the redneck. "Sorry, it's three," said the attendant."Come back and try again."

As they walked back to their car one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week.

2007-11-06 21:17:31 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with the lovely blonde, Jan, his regular sales woman.

As Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he asked to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!

I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number

2007-11-06 21:16:47 · 10 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man is dating three women and wants to
pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives
each woman a present of $5, 000 and watches to see what they
do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes
to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up,
and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because
she loves him so much.
The man was impressed, yet felt something
was missing.
The second goes shopping to buy the man
gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos
for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents
these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed, but can't
put his finger on what's amiss.

2007-11-06 21:15:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night,
having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws
his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and
says: "
In
Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and
says:
"Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South
African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many
f*cking South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with
the same ones twice.

2007-11-06 21:15:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

2007-11-06 21:13:27 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

the later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

if a dog is georgeous, other dogs wont hate it.

dogs dont notice if you call them by another dogs name.

dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

a dogs parents never visit.

dogs do not hate their bodies.

dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet.

dogs seldom outlive you.

dogs cant talk.

you never have to wait for a dog, they are ready to go 24 hours a day.

dogs find you amusing when you drink.

dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

another man will seldom steal your dog.

a dog wont wake you up at night and ask "if i die, will you get another dog?"

if a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

a dog will let you put a studded collar on them without calling you a pervert.

2007-11-06 20:58:06 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A houseproud lady cleaned the bathroom and put, what she thought was toilet cleaner, around the bowl. Her husband, who was a smoker, came home and went to the toilet, he dropped the end of his cigarette into the bowl and Boom, burnt bottom.
His wife heard the bang and came running to find him on the floor with a red ring around his bottom, she called an ambulance, when the paramedics were taking him down stairs on the stretcher, they were laughing so much they dropped him and broke his leg.
Just thought I would share it with you.

2007-11-06 19:37:49 · 21 answers · asked by AnnieG 4

Bukary is a servant boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water). Bukary as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank.

However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came backed and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bukary as thief!!! At that same moment Bukary realized he was in trouble
and decided to go into the kitchen. The Boss told his wife that "Cherished, you will see, he will be obliged to acknowledge ". He shouted: "Bukary!". Bukary answered: "Yes, Boss". "Who drank my
pastis?". No answer. The Boss reiterated his question: still no answer.
Then the Boss went to find Bukary in the kitchen and says to him: "You insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? " Bukary retorted that "It is that
boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't understand anything at all, except the name "

Then to prove that Bukary lies, the Boss says to him: "You stay beside Madam, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question ". Bukary accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Bukary shouted: "Boss". He answered: "Yes, Bukary". Bukary continued: "Who goes at the maid bedroom when the Madam is not there? ". No answer. Bukary shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" No answer. Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says "Bukary: It is true, you are right, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name ".

2007-11-06 19:20:18 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

"A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one."
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
________________________________________
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
________________________________________
"One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart'."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

2007-11-06 19:15:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-06 17:10:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:



HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.





On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she

opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel

chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.

"Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the

doorbell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

2007-11-06 17:02:46 · 10 answers · asked by PC 7

1.An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. 'I've got good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.'

'That's wonderful!' the artist exclaimed, 'What's the bad news?'. With concern, the gallery owner replied,______________.




what was the gallery owner's reply??

2007-11-06 17:00:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-06 16:35:26 · 8 answers · asked by Jane 2

A young blonde woman in Omaha, Nebraska was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missouri River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young man saw her tottering on the edge of the dock,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
a sailor and I'm off to Europe in the morning. If you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every
day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.

What are you doing here?" the captain asked "I have an arrangement
with one of the sailors," she explained

"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is Harrah's Casino, and we
never leave Council Bluffs."

2007-11-06 16:19:44 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A man went to go buy a horse. The owner said to him " Now this horse is a little bit different. For him to go, you must keep saying thank you Jesus, and he'll stop when you say hallelujah." The man said ok, paid for the horse, and went on his way.
He hops on his new horse, exclaim " Thank You Jesus" and the horse takes off. All the while riding, the man is chanting " Thank You Jesus, Thank You Jesus, Thank You jesus" when all of a sudden, he comes to a cliff. he starts to panic! " Oh, no! I don't remember how to stop this horse!" he starts to reflect on whan the owner told him. "Ok, it goes when you say Thank You Jesus, and he stops when you say Hallelujah!" oh that's it!! So he shouts "Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!!!" And the horse stops right at the edge of the cliff. The man said " Whew, Thank you Jesus!" and the horse ran off the cliff!!!!

2007-11-06 16:17:39 · 15 answers · asked by SoSickWitIt! 2

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

2007-11-06 16:12:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw her cat Snuggles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. He fetched his Dad to look at Snuggles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Snuggles is dead, Johnny.”

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Little Johnny as he fought back tears.

At a loss for words the father replied, “Snuggles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Snuggles right up to heaven.”

Little Johnny seemed to take his Snuggles’ death quite well upon hearing what his father said. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Johnny had tears in his eyes once more and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook his son and shouted, “How do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Johnny, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

2007-11-06 15:55:16 · 16 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A blonde is doing her makeup in the car and accidentaly hits a Mercedes Benz. A dwarf gets out of the Mercedes and looks at her and says, "I'm not happy!" She doesn't say anything for a few moments and responds:

"Which one are you?"

2007-11-06 15:38:11 · 4 answers · asked by bud 2

A lady came home crying. Her husband asks what was wrong. She said went to see the doctor and he was very rude. The husband calls the office and speaks with the doctor. He asked why he was rude. The doctor responded:

"Listen, I wasn't trying to be rude. I am having a really stressful day. Your wife came in at 2:30pm. I had 15 people waiting in front of her and 6 waiting after. When she asked what to do with a rectal thermometer, I said the truth. Shove it up your a**."

2007-11-06 15:16:39 · 6 answers · asked by bud 2

2007-11-06 15:01:08 · 5 answers · asked by Whatchyu talkin' about!!???? 2