Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny!



someone explain?

2007-11-07 12:27:19 · 56 answers · asked by Anonymous

he cuts through the other team, line n center, then chokes em off at the pass, then gets into his truck and calls his lawer (all this happens before the game begins)

What do you think?

2007-11-07 12:25:16 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

John & me have this thing. One day, during gym, I asked him if he was having an affair with the Big Red Truck and he said: He's big. Now me & him have this joke!


Me: So, how was your date with the Big Red Truck?
John: I've never seen anyone put their clothes on that fast!

2007-11-07 12:23:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

2007-11-07 12:16:10 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was pregnant with twins, went into labor, but, unfortunately, got into a bad car wreck on her way to the hospital. When she regained consciousness several days later, naturally, the first thing she asked was "What happened to my babies?" The hospital staff reassured her that both were healthy - a boy and a girl. "As your next of kin, your brother helped us fill out the birth certificates."
"Oh, crap!" thought the woman, "My brother's a nice guy, but he's a freakin' idiot."
"What did he name the babies?" she asked aprehensively.
"The girl is Denise" was the reply.
"That's not so bad" she thought. "What about the boy?" she asked
"Denephew"

2007-11-07 12:13:39 · 35 answers · asked by john_holliday_1876 5

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, this was your Grandma's idea, "last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. "

;-)

2007-11-07 12:13:34 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gazelle, wandering around the savannah was getting hot and tired. He noticed a lizard sitting in a tree.

"Man," he said, "I envy you, I'd love to do what you do, lie around all day soaking up the sun!"

"Why don't you try it?" suggested the lizard. So the gazelle lay down and soaked up some rays.

Suddenly a leopard came out of the nearby grove of trees, and pounced on the gazelle, killing him.

What's the moral of the story?

If you want to sit and do nothing, you must make sure you're very high up!

2007-11-07 12:08:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A turkey standing in a field saw an owl sitting in a tree.

"I'd love to be high up in the branches like you, but I'm too heavy to fly! How will I get up there?"

"Why it's quite simple" the owl replied, "just eat as much cow manure as you can for 7 days and on the 8th day you'll be strong enough to fly up here!"

So the turkey ate nothing but cow manure for 7 days, and on the 8th day flew to the top of the tree. A farmer saw the turkey at the top of the tree and shot it, killing it instantly.

What's the moral of the story?

Bullshit may well help you to reach the top, but it sure as hell won't keep you there!

2007-11-07 12:04:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

two irish men go to work one day the first digs a hole at the edge of a field when he's happy it's deep enough he moves on a digs a second hole next to it while he's digging this hole his partner fills in the first hole without putting anything in it , they continue like this all day , all the way round the field at the end of the day a man comes up to them and asks "why are you digging holes a just filling them in again" . one of the irish men looks at the man and answers " we are usualy a 3 man team but the man who plants the trees is off sick"

2007-11-07 11:54:42 · 12 answers · asked by I hate little green pigs 3

Joe and Nancy were working in their garden one day and the Joe looks over at Nancy and says: "You know your butt is getting big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that Joe proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where Nancy was working and measured her bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" Nancy, wise to the ways of men, chose to ignore Joe. Later that night in bed, Joe is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards Nancy, who brushes him off completely. "What's wrong?" he pouts. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weenie?

2007-11-07 11:48:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "F*** off! Can't you see I'm winning?"

2007-11-07 11:39:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will be a brave man...

2007-11-07 11:21:31 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor ask her "what's your problem" she replies" every time I sneeze I have a orgism" to whitch the doctor says" really what are you doing about it" she replies '"snorting black pepper".

2007-11-07 11:13:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Make like a Tom and cruise.
Make like a drum and beat it.


Your turn....

2007-11-07 11:09:04 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

and at the interview the interviewer says "I see you have 10 children, all boys. What are their names?"

"Darryl." she says "And?" asks the interviewer.

"That's it. Darryl." She says.

"Well doesn't that get confusing?" the interviewer asks.

"Oh no it's really convenient." The woman says. "If I want them to come in for their dinner I say Darryl, get you in here for your dinner now and they all come in for dinner, and if I want them to go to bed I say Darryl get you upstairs to bed now, and they all go upstairs to bed.

"Ok, but what if you need to speak to any of them individually?" the confused interviewer asks.

"Oh" says the woman, "Then I just use their last names!"

2007-11-07 11:08:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-07 11:08:01 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to his doctor and says "Doctor I have a problem, I keep getting these headaches." The doctor carries out some tests and says "I know what is wrong, you have a rare medical condition where your testicles press against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. The only solution is to have them removed." The man is quite upset by this but agrees to have the surgery. He comes out from the surgery feeling quite dejected, and decides that what he'll do is he'll buy himself a nice new suit. So he goes into the tailor's to buy the suit, and tells the tailor what he wants. The tailor starts taking out some suits and the guy says "Wait, aren't you going to measure me?" and the tailor says "No, when you've been in the business as long as me, you can tell what size a person's clothes are by looking!" So he looks at the man and says "Ok, trousers, I'd say 42 waist, leg long." "That's correct!" The man says, "how did you know?" "Easy" replies the tailor

2007-11-07 10:54:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Itchy ... Bitchy ... Sweaty ... Sleepy ... Bloated ... Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.

2007-11-07 10:51:19 · 13 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

Because some people I know would like 2 know from what other people say.

2007-11-07 10:49:05 · 8 answers · asked by cenagirl1974 1

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers
have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with
the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new
car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason
you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of
the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their
computer!

2007-11-07 10:44:32 · 10 answers · asked by aabigaa2 5

the police think the murderer is a cerial killer lol!!!

2007-11-07 10:43:54 · 13 answers · asked by sems48 1

how do you stop a gay baby from crying?

stick the pacifyer back in his butt!!

2007-11-07 10:43:50 · 4 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

2007-11-07 10:32:16 · 11 answers · asked by martinkennett 1

1)It's a number higher than 10
2)If you multiply it's digits, you will get a two digit number.
3)It's a number lower than 60
4)One of the digits in my number is 5

It's not that hard once you read all the clues.

First Right answer=10 points for you.

Oh yeah and explain very short how you got it.

Like, two or three sentences.

♥ BeeBee ♥

2007-11-07 10:24:20 · 16 answers · asked by cutegir11 3

Collateral
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A Plane Trip
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

2007-11-07 10:20:32 · 10 answers · asked by Allie_girl 3

I'll be flying out to South Africa on Friday,but I just want to say thanks to yeah all for being afriend in need,and I hope every thing you all wish for comes true,but I promise to be back on the 30Nov07 even if you don't want me around,hey and thanks to every one who stared me and gave that 10 points,so here me Duckies have a wonderful time and God Bless yeah all.
Love
Wonderstar.xxxxx

2007-11-07 10:14:34 · 11 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?


The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our lord, Amen."

2007-11-07 10:12:14 · 8 answers · asked by aabigaa2 5

rub it all over the door knobs and the b'hatch can't get in. bliss

2007-11-07 10:09:43 · 6 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

2007-11-07 09:58:52 · 5 answers · asked by Sincerely Yours 3

THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS......

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly.......... "No, I'm your son's teacher

2007-11-07 09:53:25 · 19 answers · asked by Sincerely Yours 3