Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

And saw one in the window. The sign said "Amsterdam Blue kitten for sale."

The woman was a cat breeder and had never heard of an Amsterdam Blue before so she asked the salesman about it...

"Excuse me sir, how Dutch is that moggy in the window?"

2007-11-08 09:32:11 · 14 answers · asked by Phil McCracken 5

finish the joke.

funniest wins.

2007-11-08 09:28:36 · 16 answers · asked by The Uncanny Comic 5

2 jokes i like!!!

Anyone who boasts about his ot her ancestors is admitting that his family is better dead than alive.

Kalvin took a book out of the library. The cover read "How to Hug". He discovered to his disappointment that it was the 7th volume of the encyclopedia.

what do you think of them?

2007-11-08 09:25:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-08 09:15:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

7 girls
each girl with 7 sacks
each sack with 7 cats
each cat with 7 kittens
how many legs are there?

2007-11-08 09:11:02 · 8 answers · asked by Christy H 1

My sister and I used to have a great time playing with jelly beans. First, we would make "rabbit families" with them on the living room floor. Then we would pretend they were rabbit and we were hawks. So, we would swoop down and eat them up. One time in particular, Lilly got the first shot: She ate 1/5 of the jelly beans. I went next, and ate 1/6 of the ones on the floor. Lilly then let out a shriek and ate 2/5 of the remaining beans. I then ate 2/3 of the ones left. After Lilly ate half of the remaining jelly beans, there were two yellow ones left, which we shared. How many jely beans did each of us eat?

2007-11-08 08:55:44 · 10 answers · asked by Georgia 1

A Father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears welled in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her Father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her Father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that gay s**t in our garden" she said

2007-11-08 08:38:34 · 17 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

There's a nun standing outside who calls him a sinner. "Who are you calling a sinner?" said the guy, "I'm only going to have one drink. What do you know about it anyway? I bet you've never had a drink in your life. Tell you what, come in the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink, then you can decide whether it's sinful or not". "Certainly not!" replied the nun, "I can't be seen going into a bar". "Ok then", said the guy, "I'll buy you a drink and bring it out here for you to try". "Certainly not", replied the nun, "I can't be seen standing in the street drinking alcohol". "Ok then", said the guy, "I'll ask the barmaid to put it in a cup and saucer, then passers-by will just think you're enjoying a cup of tea". "Oh...ok then" said the nun reluctantly, so the guy goes into the bar, orders a beer for himself and a double Vodka and Tonic for the nun and asks the barmaid to put it in a cup and saucer. "Oh sh*t", said the barmaid, "Don't tell me that bloody nun's out there again!"

2007-11-08 08:27:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she
found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found
his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again,
this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her
husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside
him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

2007-11-08 08:12:39 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day I was walking through a park when I saw an old man sitting on a bench weeping. I felt sorry so I sat next to him and asked if he was lonley.
Through the sobbs he said no and I asked how his life was going.
The man said my life is great, I have millions and millions of dollars, a huge mansion and a beautiful 27 year old wife who can cook the best meal you've ever had.
"That sounds great" I said "but why then are you sitting here in the park crying?"


"I can't remember where I live" said the old man.

2007-11-08 08:09:41 · 11 answers · asked by Nate 6

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

2007-11-08 08:08:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

So this man in his 70s was walking to the doctor's office with a hot blonde babe on his arm.

When he got to the office, the doctor was stupified [ha. can't find the right word xD]

"What are you doing with a girl on you arm Howard?" the dotor asked.

"I did as you said: have a hot mama and be cheerful!" he repiled.

The doctor shook his head, "No Howard! I said you have a heart mumur, be careful!"

2007-11-08 08:01:03 · 11 answers · asked by saam<3 2

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the F ucking trouble started.

2007-11-08 07:58:49 · 16 answers · asked by Sasha 4

The person who makes the best diss gets the weekly prize of 10 pts. The more good jokes you post, the better possibility you will get 10 pts.

2007-11-08 07:53:03 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Should I put an air guitar in a box shaped like a guitar or make it a surprise by just putting it in a watch box?

2007-11-08 05:38:45 · 4 answers · asked by Barkley Hound 7

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2007-11-08 05:37:36 · 14 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him
sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis. In an
attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to
look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the
bed."
Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, f**k him?"

2007-11-08 05:29:26 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to
get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that
much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do
anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?"
"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to
kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."
She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."
She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands
and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

2007-11-08 05:17:13 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Try and answer the riddle
Riddle:
There are 7 girls on a bus
Each girl has 7 backpacks
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats
For every big cat there are 7 little cats
Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

2007-11-08 04:50:21 · 24 answers · asked by ♥ ☼ ♥ ☼ LOVE MY LABS!! 5

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina,
saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his
friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd."

2007-11-08 04:38:45 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just to let you know, I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."

2007-11-08 04:31:18 · 28 answers · asked by Sparky 5

What is the name of my dog. He is a 3 year old German Short-haired Pointer. He loves to go for walks and hunting. He hates riding in the car. He is very smart and loves to fetch things.

My dog's name is ___________?

2007-11-08 04:12:59 · 19 answers · asked by don_sv_az 7

Demon clowns or the purple Aussie kangaroo (From the shampoo hair care commercials.)
(To be honest, that kangaroo scares me.) Am I the only one who fears this giant, hollow-faced kangaroo? I need to know. It's sort of embarassing at 19.

2007-11-08 04:12:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A burglar breaks into a home to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

2007-11-08 03:35:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

2007-11-08 03:32:41 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

who lives on durry lane?

2007-11-08 02:52:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I remember as a child, I was always tolf to mind my step!! Is it me or was it just my imagination?

2007-11-08 02:12:37 · 15 answers · asked by Scatty 6

2007-11-08 02:09:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,“Don’t worry. Someday your prints will come”.

2007-11-08 01:40:53 · 14 answers · asked by Jonathan V 7

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

2007-11-07 23:49:39 · 19 answers · asked by Sparky 5