Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Your mom
Bolnd jokes
ect.

2007-11-10 02:45:31 · 5 answers · asked by leabrown12 2

One day this guy was sitting at this bar
in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly
like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”



The other man agrees and asks, “Where
are you from?”


The first guy answers, “Chicago.”



“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street
do you live on?”


“Forty-Ninth Street, ” answers the
first guy.


“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming
increasingly excited. “What's your address?”



''951.”


“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What
are your parents' names?”


“John and Cathy, ” says the first guy.



“Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder
if we're related!?”


Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing
shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.



“No, ” says the first bartender, “just
the Smith twins, drunk again.”

2007-11-10 02:38:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

2007-11-10 02:13:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.


Now I ride on escalators all the time.
===============

I took my fingers and slowly, and gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice ... I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.


And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

2007-11-10 02:12:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am so broad i feel like jumping of a roof to see if something will happen, well i will die so i will not do that is there any thing i can do to bring me out of the boredness

2007-11-10 02:01:34 · 26 answers · asked by sakura-jima 2

2007-11-10 01:23:52 · 8 answers · asked by bette69 5

A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries....)

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per
side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

Roses maybe red but violets are indeed violet!

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot
sink in quicksand

2007-11-10 01:08:32 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Plz star if you liked it! Thnx

3 men died and went to heaven. One of them was Italian, the other Roman, and the last one was American. Everyone who goes to heaven gets a car based on how well they treat their husband or wife. The better you treat them, the better car you get.
God went up to the Italian, and asked, "How well did you treat your wife?" The italian said, "I have never wronged her, and I love her all of the time." The italian recieved a Porsche.
God went to the Roman and asked, "How did you treat your wife?" The Roman said, "Okay. I cheated on her once, but I still love her." The Roman recieved a Jeep.
God then went up to the American, and asked, "How did you trear your wife?" The American said, "Not very good. I was going to ask for a divorce just before I died. I cheated on her." The American recieved a Minivan.
Later they all met up, and the Italian was crying. The Roman and the American asked what's wrong. The Italian said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skatebard!"

2007-11-10 00:50:58 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Plz star if you liked it! Thnx!

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were at least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

2007-11-10 00:29:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-10 00:27:54 · 7 answers · asked by April 5

2007-11-10 00:20:08 · 20 answers · asked by April 5

Plz star if you like it! thnx

A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

The blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

2007-11-10 00:10:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-10 00:09:37 · 17 answers · asked by April 5

Plz star if you like it! Thnx!

A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning.

"This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".

Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."

After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."

A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"

2007-11-10 00:08:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A talk b4 the jokes: when u answer my qstns, why don't u provide three jokes as well? so we all might be able to read A LOT of jokes in the same window without clicking out that much. think of the idea, huh? thnx
JOKE 1: granddaughter is on grandpa's lap. suddenly the she touched his DICK and testicles and asked him what it was. grandpa replied, ``the long one is a bird, the other one is its eggs.''
after half an hour the parents of the girl came home and found the grandpa dead. all asked the girl WHAT HAPPENED?
she replied, ``nthin, i just killed his bird and broke his eggs.''
2.one guy was saying to his frnd YOU KNOW WHAT? I ATE 99 EGGS ONE DAY.
friend said, ``why not 1 more? could've been hundred.
the guy replied with anger, ``what? do u think i'm an obese?"
3. A circumcised 3 yr old boy & his aunt
wot's dis aunt? - boy pointed2 his dick
dis is ur car
let me c ur car
i have no car, i've got garage
can i put my car in ur garage.
No,ur uncle put his truck there already

2007-11-09 22:44:19 · 3 answers · asked by Purbasha 2

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

2007-11-09 22:36:48 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

...do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are going dead?


...do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough money?


...does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


...does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck
when the bad guy throws the empty revolver at him?


...did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


...was an "S" in put the word "lisp"?



...is it if people evolved from apes, that there are still
apes?


...is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?




...do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine
it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


...is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?

2007-11-09 22:22:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lulu was a prostitute, but she
didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police
raided a group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and
Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had
all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
Lulu's grandma came by and saw her. Grandma asked,
"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"


Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu
told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some.


"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll
get some for myself, " Grandma said, and she proceeded
to the back of the line.


A policeman was going down the line asking for information
from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was
bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it
at your age? How do you do it?"


Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just
take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

2007-11-09 21:28:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,





P. Niss

The Response





Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

2007-11-09 20:35:52 · 22 answers · asked by hotbutteredpancakes 3

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches. That fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

2007-11-09 20:26:17 · 8 answers · asked by me here, where are you? 3

I WAS GOING TO ST. IVES
I MET A MAN WITH SEVEN WIVES
EACH WIFE HAD SEVEN SACKS
EACH SACK HAD SEVEN CATS
EACH CAT HAD SEVEN KITTENS

HOW MANY WERE GOING TO ST. IVES?

2007-11-09 19:56:49 · 10 answers · asked by Alex 1

is there anyone out there can give me an exact answer of this confusing question?

2007-11-09 18:28:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Father Shamus O'Malley in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the c*ck was missing. He knew about c*ck fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c*ck?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c*ck?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c*ck that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant".

Finally Father O'Malley said "Has anybody seen MY c*ck?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up

2007-11-09 16:38:09 · 18 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

Pls star if you like this one. Thx

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher ...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

2007-11-09 16:16:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do any of you have a good punchline for this joke? If so, would you please share it?

God Tom & Danny are stranded on an island....

Thanks so much!

2007-11-09 15:54:55 · 14 answers · asked by tom m 1

There are three light switches outside a room. There is one light(bulb) in the room. You have to find out which switch turns on the light. Now, the catch! YOU CANNOT SEE IN THE ROOM IN ANYWAY! You can't see if the light is on by looking under the door, no light seeps through. Also, YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO ENTER THE ROOM ONCE.
So, how do you tell which switch controls the light???

2007-11-09 15:47:33 · 15 answers · asked by Bounce21 2

A Professor at one of the IIMs was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:


1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"



2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"


3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"


4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you
walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you
"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"


5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"


6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"


7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"


8. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"



9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"

2007-11-09 15:44:05 · 18 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on and checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more countries... He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell...

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, What do they do here?"

He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour..Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes and beats you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells---so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" asked the man.

Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former Govt. servant, so he comes in and signs the register and then goes to the canteen!

2007-11-09 15:40:37 · 37 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

This older couple is out in the yard working on projects. As the wife is bent over pulling weeds, the husband notices and glances her way. "Dang honey," he observes, "I'll bet your a** is as big as our grill!" So he proceeds to use his tape measure to verify his claim. Later on that evening as the two are lying in bed, the Mr. decides to see if he can get a little. The wife rolls over and replies "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big a** grill for one little weenie?"

2007-11-09 15:38:57 · 31 answers · asked by Mike R 3

Yo momma's so poor I asked her what's for dinner and she pulled out a gun and said Next one who moves

Yo momma's so old she knew Mr Clean when he had an afro

Yo momma's so dumb I put a ScratchNSniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned

Yo momma's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change

Yo momma's so dumb she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said I think Ill take the physical challenge

Yo momma's so dumb she thought 50 cent was a cheap payperview.

Yo momma's so poor I walked into her home asked if I could use her toilet and she said Sure thing its 4th tree on your right

Yo momma's so poor when I rang the doorbell she leaned out the window and said DING DONG

Yo momma's so fat I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4 5 6 7 and 8

Yo momma's so fat I had to take 2 planes 3 buses and 5 cabs just to get on her good side

Yo momma's so fat on a scale of 1 to 10 she's a 747

2007-11-09 14:51:54 · 21 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4