Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Only 5 guesses


my name starts with a J




its kinda a commen name its not like funiquwa (i've heared of someone name that is funiquwa)

i was born in 1996 but it has been used in like the 1980's

2007-11-11 13:55:27 · 23 answers · asked by ☆Dj Danger☆ 2

I'm 13 and someone pulled a cheap shot on me during football. I just want pull a prank on him. what could I do?

2007-11-11 13:45:17 · 4 answers · asked by kevin w 2

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."

2007-11-11 13:36:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.





Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

2007-11-11 13:31:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

As I was walking to the drugstore, I said to this guy standing on the
corner "Are you a pole-vaulter?" and he replied "No, I'm German......
and how did you know my name was Walter?"

2007-11-11 13:22:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I laughed my jewels off.......I rear-ended a car this morning So there we are alongside the road and slowly the
driver gets out of the
car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed
and stuff just seems to
get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it, the other driver
was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which
one are you then?' .. . . and that's when the fight started

2007-11-11 12:56:32 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest

- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his Work.

- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

2007-11-11 12:43:48 · 6 answers · asked by Dilly Doo 3

How is He Alive
A man was born in 1898
He is still alive now
at the age 33
How is this possible ?

2007-11-11 12:16:37 · 48 answers · asked by Ami 4

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub w/a tailgate feeder. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leupold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on his deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned.

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

2007-11-11 12:06:18 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

To get to the KFC.

2007-11-11 12:05:22 · 21 answers · asked by Jack 3

MONTH YOU WERE BORN IN
JANUARY----------I ***** SLAPPED
FEBRUARY---------I RAPED
MARCH-------------I SPIT ON
APRIL---------------I SLEPT WITH
MAY-----------------I PUNCHED
JUNE----------------I DREAMED ABOUT
JULY-----------------I KICKED
AUGUST------------ I LICKED
SEPTEMBER--------I KISSED
OCTOBER-----------I KILLED
NOVEMBER---------
DECEMBER---------I HAD SEX WITH


- DAY [NUMBER] YOU WERE BORN ON
1--------A BANANA
2--------A HOBO
3--------A SPOON
4--------YOU
5--------A LAWN GNOME
6--------A HOT DUDE
7------- A GANGSTER
8--------SPONGE BOB
9--------THE MIRRIOR
10-------A NOODLE
11-------MY EX
12-------MY BOY/GIRLFRIEND
13-------A HOE
14--------A MOP
15-------P.DIIDY
16-------A WHITE GIRL
17-------MY BEST FRIEND
18------DORA
19-------A Mexican
20-------A SEXY HOE
21-------MY NEIGHBOR
22------- 1000people
23-------MY BOY/GIRLFRIEND
24-------A TREE
25-------A HOMO
26-------MY TRUE LOVE
27-------A GOTH
28-------MY HOMIES GF
29-------A FOOTBALL PLAYER
30-------HIM/HER
31-------UR UNCLE


- COLOR OF YOUR SHIRT
WHITE---------BECAUSE THAT ***** STOLE MY TACO
GREEN----------BECAUSE IM A POWER RANGER
PINK------------BECAUSE IM BALLIN
YELLOW--------BECAUSE THE VOICES TOLD ME TO.
BLACK------------BECAUSE IT WAS ILLEGAL
BLUE----------BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I DO
PURPLE---------BECAUSE I CAN.
GRAY------------BECAUSE I KEEP IT GANGSTA.
NO SHIRT OR IN A TOWL------BECAUSE IM A PORN STAR.
tiedie--------BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I ROLL.
RED--------------BECAUSE I WAS HIGH.
MAROON--------BECAUSE IM OH SO SEXXII *****.
BROWN--------- BECAUSE IM SEXY AND I DO WHATEVER I WANT.
STRIPED---------BECAUSE IM IN LOVE
TURQUOISE-----BECAUSE I LOVE HIM/HER
TAN---------------BECAUSE HE WAS FINE
orange----------BECAUSE UR MOM SAID SO
BRA-------------BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK.
OTHER-------- BECAUSE IM SEXY

2007-11-11 11:52:03 · 17 answers · asked by YaoYao D 5

2007-11-11 11:49:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
http://cozay.com

2007-11-11 11:26:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

2007-11-11 11:06:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could. "Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked."I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's beenthere for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!""Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me asI am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

2007-11-11 10:44:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

EFFECTIVE NOV 1, 2007

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.



The Management

2007-11-11 10:35:46 · 14 answers · asked by Tony T 4

ok...I wonder how many of you found that baffling, here's a little comic relief...
One day, Mr Wong rushed his wife to the hospital where she delivered a healthy little baby. Mr Wong holds the baby up and scrutinizes the tiny little thing, and says, after a bit of time....2 Wongs dont make a wight
...so we will name him...Sum Ting Wong!

2007-11-11 09:40:23 · 45 answers · asked by Wisdom 4

-And will Britain offer the US Free UK Health Care in exchange?

2007-11-11 09:37:24 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ill give you a hint it is a WORD

2007-11-11 08:39:54 · 27 answers · asked by Icky 2

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breastss. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he started having sex with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

2007-11-11 07:34:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to
Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at
break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all
night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack
the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and
hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of
sleep either!"
The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played
the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning
with a sore dick and an a*s full of quarters."

2007-11-11 07:29:08 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want
bigger boobies.' "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her
rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning
ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose
them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any
chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory
dock..."

2007-11-11 07:25:39 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so
beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see
them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves
have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so
graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This
must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine
anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I
love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the
snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight
(I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway
again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to
the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to
get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling.
F**king snow plough.
Dec. 22 - More of that white sh*t fell last night. I've got blisters
on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough
hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway.
A**hole.
Dec. 25 - Merry F**king Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get
my hands on the sonovab**ch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll
kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads
to melt the f**king ice.
Dec. 27 - More white sh*t last night. Been inside for three days now
except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes
through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain
of white sh*t and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect
another 10 inches of the sh*t again tonight. Do you know how many
shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That f**king weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the
sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow
plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and
asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken
six shovels shoveling out all the sh*t he had pushed into my driveway,
I damn near broke my last one over his f**king head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get
food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did
about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f**king beasts should be killed.
The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them
all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
thing is rusted out from all that ******* salt they put all over the
roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right
mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

2007-11-11 07:12:17 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

They work it out with a pencil. :P

2007-11-11 06:27:55 · 11 answers · asked by Perry 4

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me
a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The
cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great.
I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks
in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

2007-11-11 06:21:54 · 36 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

In the image below. The couple in the picture is dreaming about having a baby. But there is a baby already in the picture. Can you find him?

Image:
http://img77.imageshack.us/img77/3056/hiddenbabygb4.jpg

2007-11-11 06:13:55 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. When you make a deposit, tellers, high-five each other
9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.
8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
7. When you want a make a withdrawl, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
6. You notice Carrot Topp sleeping in the vault.
5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil
4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants
3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET-HOSED
1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez

ps: by the way, Rosa Lopez was that housekeeper from el salvador and witness of O.J. Simpson murder trial.

2007-11-11 02:02:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

my sister and I are thinking about it and we have no idea. i saw that it is the chicken because god put them on this Earth(if you believe that) but she always says but the chicken had to come from some place. so please help. which came first?

2007-11-11 00:47:05 · 33 answers · asked by kristina m 1

1.What happens in the middle of august but not in any other month?

2.What do rich people need,poor people have,more evil that the devil, greater than god, and if you eat it you will die?

3.What do olive,duke,friend,and eternity have in common?

4. What goes up and down with the weather but doesn't move?

5. What starts with Tea and ends with T?

6. I tell you something but do not talk:What am i?

7.I run and ruun but cannot flee, i'm often watched but cannot see:What am i?

2007-11-11 00:35:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash'
and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

2007-11-11 00:20:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous