Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

ok, here they are

patient: Doctor, doctor, i think i have cancer!
doctor: well, take a band-aid and come back in two weeks

patient: doctor, doctor, my friend just died?
doctor: oh? explain his symptoms to me...

2007-11-13 13:48:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what occurs once in every minute, twice in every moment, yet never in a thousand years?

2007-11-13 13:38:34 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want some criticism and noone is telling me anything

we are comedians and we make skits under the anem twinaliens plzz tell me what you think!!!
go to youtube and search twinaliens

thnk you

2007-11-13 13:21:04 · 2 answers · asked by thinktank 2

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ''Hey, honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now.''

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill, and then measured his wife's butt. ''Yes,'' he said, ''just what I thought, just about the same size.'' The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening, when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little action?'' the wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

''What's the matter?'' he asked

To which she replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?''

2007-11-13 13:07:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two cows in a field. One cow says hey have you herd that there is a mad cow disease going around?
The other says yup good thing we are chickens!

Star if you liked it!!!

2007-11-13 13:03:17 · 10 answers · asked by Cantxdancexenough 3

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the water!"

2007-11-13 12:46:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-13 12:27:29 · 1 answers · asked by Bubba A 1

2007-11-13 11:54:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little guy is sitting at a counter eating breakfast. A big guy walks in and hits the little guy.

"That's a judo chop from Japan," he says, and then walks into the bathroom. The little guy gets up and sits back down to finish his breakfast. The big guy comes back out of the bathroom and hits the little guy again.

"That's a karate chop from Korea," he says. The little guy gets up and leaves the diner. The big guy sits down and orders breakfast.

As he starts to eat, the little guy comes running back through the door and knocks the big guy out. He looks at the waitress and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a tire iron from Sears."

2007-11-13 10:30:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An enormous funeral procession is winding it’s way through the streets of Chicago. No expense has been spared and the casket is being carried in huge horse-drawn hearse. A man is watching from a shop doorway and he calls over to the shopkeeper, ‘Hey! Whose funeral is that? Is it someone important?’ The shopkeeper replies ‘That’s the funeral of Tony Viscotti’s girlfriend Angie,’ ‘What happened to her?’ says the man ‘She died of gonorrhoea,’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘Gonorrhoea?’ says the man. ‘But that’s impossible. No one dies of gonorrhoea.’ The shopkeeper replies ‘You do when you give it to Tony Viscottti.’

2007-11-13 10:23:56 · 12 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Why couldnt the little poney sing?

If a plane crashe din the middle of a border of 2 states where would the burry the survivers?

If a rooster sat on a roof and layed an egg where would it roll?

THANKS FOR ANSWERING!!!!

2007-11-13 09:59:08 · 17 answers · asked by hayleydog2 2

Once me and some girls went to the white mountains to camp out for a few days. It was dark we were tiered so we pitched a tent right next to the trail after all we were in the middle of nowhere right? Well in the early morning my friends were getting dressed in the tent so I figure screw it, we're in the middle of nowhere they cant see me so I started getting undressed outside the tent. It wasn't until I was standing there butt freaking naked that I heard many voices. I turned around and sure enough there was at least 30 early morning hikers coming down the trail. O.M.G, I just lost it! I panicked and began to run around the whole camp site looking for cover but we were in an open area on a uphill slope and no matter what direction I ran in the campers were able to see me from every single angle! I was humiliated I started running toward a friend who came outta her tent with her mouth just dropped starring at many parts of me I wish she'd never seen. Finally she threw the tent cover over my naked body after the hikers had already got an early morning glory eye full! As I was getting dressed under the tent cover, I yelled out, "I got my underwear on" and one of the hikers had to be a smart *** and yell back, "Well that's always good"! It was so embarrassing!

2007-11-13 07:54:36 · 29 answers · asked by Luv4Nevaeh 3

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

2007-11-13 07:28:32 · 14 answers · asked by I ♥ Christmas. 3

JUST FOR FUN!!! The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.


'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

2007-11-13 07:07:29 · 19 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-11-13 06:24:30 · 17 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

2007-11-13 06:06:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

2007-11-13 05:00:25 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

their bed.She puts on her robe & goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought.She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter,dear?"she whispers as she steps into the room."Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee."I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago & started dating.You were only 16.Do you remember back then?"he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring,so sensitive."Yes, I do,"she replies.
The husband pauses."Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"
"Yes,I remember,"said the wife,lowering herself into a chair.
The husband continues."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said,"Either marry my daughter,or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"Yes."
"I would have gotten out today"

2007-11-13 04:32:57 · 4 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum , how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!"

2007-11-13 03:21:41 · 15 answers · asked by Toro 2013 ™ VG 7

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet? "A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head o f the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

2007-11-13 03:07:32 · 16 answers · asked by Vanka 3

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usualroute.
>As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
>driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
> >
> "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"
the mailman comments.
> >
> > Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for New Year's
Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that
we started playing WHO AM I."
> >
> > The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
> >
> > Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet! covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
> > sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
> >
> > The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
> >
> > "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.
"Your name came up four or five times."

2007-11-13 03:06:34 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Check out these lot.

http://uk.360.yahoo.com/maradonaisgod5

2007-11-13 02:55:36 · 7 answers · asked by Chopper 4

A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.



His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"

2007-11-13 02:52:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mitch ordered some rope by telephone.
When he got to the store he discovered that the clerk had reversed the feet and inches, and the rope was 9 feet 2 inches short.
How long was the rope?

2007-11-13 02:01:09 · 5 answers · asked by Reggie 2

Bloke sat on the top deck of a bus when a young woman and a baby come up stairs and sit at the front.After 5 minutes the baby starts to cry and the girl starts to breast feed it.He thi nks he will move forward and take a closer look.Soon he is sat on the seat behind her looking over her shoulder,she notices him and asks if he would like to suck on the other one.
He says "Would I " and immediately gets down to buisness.
She starts to get a little turned on by his attentions and asks him"Is there anything else you fancy"
he replies"have you got any rusks"

2007-11-13 01:41:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A car had ploughed into the back of a truck on the A12 in Essex.When the paramedics arrive they see a woman has been thrown from the car.One rushes over to her and sees blood everywhere.He shouts"Where you bleeding from Miss"
She shouts "bleedin Romford mate!

2007-11-13 01:29:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day 3 friends were sitting on a cliff. there names were Shut Up, Manners, and Poop. While they were sitting on the cliff, Poop fell off. Manners ran down to help him, leaving Shut up alone. A little later a Police Man rode up in his car, saw shup up sitting on the cliff and asked, " what's your name?"
"Shut Up," Shut Up said. "What is your name!"
"Shut up!" "For the last time,what is your name!" Yelled the policeman. "SHUT UP!" Yelled shut up.
'Where are your manners?" asked the policeman.
"Over there picking up Poop."

Do u like that joke?

2007-11-13 01:09:41 · 4 answers · asked by :) 4

Following a hard day in court, a judge decides to go to the pub. Nine pints and seven whiskies later, he staggers out of the boozer and starts to walk home. Unfortunately, on his way he feels sick and he throws up all over his suit. Arriving home, he uses his fine legal mind to explain the mess to his wife. ‘Some filthy tramp vomited all over me,’ he moans, and his sympathetic wife makes him a nice cup of tea. The next day the judge comes home and decides to make his story more convincing. ‘You’ll never guess what?’ he says to his wife, ‘The tramp that threw up on me was in court today. I gave him six months!’ ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘You should have given him a year, because he shat in your pants as well.’

2007-11-13 01:07:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Star If You Like...

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

2007-11-13 00:45:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm feeling good this morning, so this is for all of you. Enjoy.

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

2007-11-13 00:35:09 · 8 answers · asked by HipHopGrandma 7