Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2007-11-13 20:53:21 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete a** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an a**hole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You`re back at work on Monday.

2007-11-13 20:34:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pat O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! All the guys in the bar laughed.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. "She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Pat said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, Pat!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Pat's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Pat won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2007-11-13 20:28:29 · 15 answers · asked by Freakin 6

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says: You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10 kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process
several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pickup truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!" After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!" Moral of the story: 1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

2007-11-13 20:24:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is...
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear

2007-11-13 19:33:36 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.


.......
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."



The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.





"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."

2007-11-13 19:21:53 · 6 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

A man was crawling through the desert, wearing was a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He was at his wits end, "Water, water!!!" he rasped...

After some time he saw a man with a camel. "Water, water!" he begged. The man with the camel said "Sorry, but I only have ties!". "No use, I need water!!!" and he went on.

After some time he saw another man with a camel. "Water, water!" he begged. This man with the camel said "Sorry, but I only have suits!". "No, no, I need water!!!" and he went on.

Then after some time, to his amazement, the man saw a restaurant. He crawled to the door, exclaiming "Water, WATER!!!!". The valet at the door said "I'm sorry, sir, but without a suit and tie, I cannot let you in!"

2007-11-13 19:19:56 · 10 answers · asked by Walter W. Krijthe 4

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“Nine. . .”

2007-11-13 19:01:09 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

a
FSH

star if you liked it =D

2007-11-13 17:11:11 · 5 answers · asked by Sean M 2

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."

2007-11-13 17:08:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse", she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra", which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties".

Johnny finishes removing these too.

His mother then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"

2007-11-13 17:06:19 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf

The Astounding Conclusion is: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

2007-11-13 17:03:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to the confessional and begins, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the priest again.

"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The priest sighs. "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

2007-11-13 17:00:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow!

Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

2007-11-13 16:52:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman are driving along a country road on a cold winter night when the car breaks down. Before leaving to find help, the man tells the woman not to open the doors or windows and not to let anybody in. He leaves, and she does as he says. When he returns, she is dead and there is a stranger in the car. What happened?

2007-11-13 16:36:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-13 16:30:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your in the center of a room. At each end of the room there is a door. There is one guy guarding each of these doors. One guy always tells the truth no matter what. The other always lies no matter what. Behind one door is paradise. Behind the other a man eating lion. You want the door that leads to paradise. You are only allowed to ask one question. What question lets you know for sure what door paradise is behind?

2007-11-13 16:22:15 · 14 answers · asked by soobielover26 3

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

2007-11-13 16:19:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'

2007-11-13 16:13:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog
as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
" Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."
"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then,
my sweet, we can marry!!"
"Set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother,"
"where you can prepare my meals,"
"clean my clothes,"
"bear my children,"
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

THAT NIGHT, AS THE PRINCESS DINED SUMPTUOUSLY
ON LIGHTLY SAUTEED FROG LEGS
SEASONED IN A WHITE WINE
AND ONION CREAM SAUCE,
SHE CHUCKLED AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF:
"I DON'T FRIGGIN THINK SO."

2007-11-13 16:11:14 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

not on utube or tv i mean in life

2007-11-13 16:02:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

2007-11-13 15:59:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its near the end of school day n all the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
The teacher then asked "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was BOILING mad.

2007-11-13 15:45:53 · 8 answers · asked by Sara 1

when they run out of gas. the man decides to leave his wife there and walk to the next town for gas. he locks the doors and the windows are up. when he gets back his wife is dead and there is a stranger in the car.
how did his wife die and who is the stranger?

2007-11-13 15:27:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

2007-11-13 15:20:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is an electric Train goin Northwest at 50 mph . The wind is blowing south east at 20 mph. Which direction is the smoke Going?

2007-11-13 15:14:58 · 19 answers · asked by Luis 4

celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-11-13 14:55:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

not like actual pranks,but more like getting the enitre class to to snap at the same time,or do the king of the hill thing "yup",Yep",yup" mhmm",,or just have kids in class ahh loud enough for the teacher to hear,and/or like get everybody to do the we will rock you beat....stuff like that

2007-11-13 14:35:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida ...???"

LOL :) I'm BORED!!! Who wants to do my math homework?? cause I don't wanna :(

2007-11-13 14:24:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if you like it. Thx.

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered,
"An apple."

The teacher replied,
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" Billy asks.

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
"Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies.
"It's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries.
"That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny.
"It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

2007-11-13 14:05:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous