Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the Cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't, and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "Her name is Sally, and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes . . ." he replied . . .
"She sells C cells down by the seashore."

2007-11-10 09:05:54 · 12 answers · asked by pd6491 2

or are u boring?lol

http://www.irtc.org/ftp/pub/stills/2006-02-28/snowman.jpg

2007-11-10 08:52:09 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their Rabbi. The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?" The Rabbi replied, "Not if it delays the ceremony."

2007-11-10 08:48:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a murder trial...

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

2007-11-10 07:52:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Funniest one gets best answer!!! But I won't choose it, I'll let voters choose it!!! Hopefully this will be fun!!!

2007-11-10 07:26:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2007-11-10 07:14:05 · 7 answers · asked by hskda h 1

There are 5 men in an Audi Quattro on their way to a meeting in Dublin.

When they are stopped by Customs, the Officer says to the driver: "Excuse me sir, one of you is gonna have to get out of de car".

When the driver asks "why?", the Customs Officer says: "Well yer see now...you are in an Audi Quattro, and in de Italian language quattro means 4, and there are 5 you, so one of yer is gonna have to get out!"

The driver says: "But thats ridiculous! There are 5 seats in this car".

The Officer reply's: I don't care, quattro means 4 so one of you must get out!"

The exasperated driver, trying to keep calm says: "OK.........Can I speak to your Supervisor please?"

The Customs officer says: "Of course yer can sir............Just as soon as he's finished wid de 2 fellas in de Fiat Uno"

2007-11-10 07:03:09 · 10 answers · asked by neilgtti 4

2007-11-10 07:02:44 · 8 answers · asked by April 5

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

2007-11-10 06:42:43 · 35 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A woman's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.

By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

2007-11-10 06:40:20 · 12 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave had to take all the kids."

2007-11-10 06:36:13 · 12 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

2007-11-10 06:34:19 · 19 answers · asked by Sparky 5

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and asks, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asks, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

2007-11-10 06:30:22 · 14 answers · asked by Sparky 5

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

2007-11-10 06:27:20 · 10 answers · asked by Sparky 5

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

2007-11-10 06:20:51 · 12 answers · asked by Sparky 5

There's a little fellow named Jimmy who hangs out at the local grocery store.

The manager doesn't know what Jimmy's problem is, but the boys like to tease him.

They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Jimmy his choice between a nickel and a dime.

He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Jimmy grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Jimmy, those boys are making fun of you.

They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.

Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Jimmy said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

2007-11-10 06:09:25 · 17 answers · asked by Sparky 5

i never went to school so i know nothing about jewish beleifs and lifestyle.

all a jew is to me is somebody who ive never seen.....


i keep hearing jewish jokes such as , 2 jews walkin down street , 6x skinheads come walking up , one jew said to the other , look here i think were gonna get mugged , he said i think your right , anyway heres that 600 quid i owe you.....

and the other one with 2 jews talking , one said what would you do if you won lotto ? other said id give you half cos your my friend ,
he said what if you had 2 houses ? , he said if i had 2 , id give you one cos your my friend ,
what if you had 2 chickens ????????????????????
he said fook off , you know ive got 2 chickens,


what does this get at ?????????????

i dont understand these jokes at all

2007-11-10 06:07:08 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Out of 100 ladies attending the town fair,
85 had a white handbag;
75 had black shoes;
60 carried an umbrella;
90 wore a ring.
How many ladies must have had all four items?

2007-11-10 06:01:56 · 3 answers · asked by Maximum Ride 2

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

2007-11-10 06:00:51 · 21 answers · asked by Sparky 5

The constable had no problem catching the thief who was exactly 27 steps in front of him when he gave chase. While the thief took eight steps to the policeman's five, the policeman had a longer stride; in fact, two of the policeman's strides were equal to five of that of the thief.
How many steps did the constable need to catch the thief?

2007-11-10 06:00:45 · 6 answers · asked by Maximum Ride 2

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

2007-11-10 05:57:08 · 17 answers · asked by Sparky 5

church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries 2 take her home but they fall & he ends up on top of her. The landlord says, "Oi mate, u cant do that in here!". The Rev replies "U dont understand-- im Pastor Flapps. Landlord says," Well if ur that far in u may as well finish".

2007-11-10 05:41:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for
his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and
away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,
awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to
the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what
costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little
kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being
rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.
She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all!
Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening
had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a
good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?"
He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to,
sure had a real good time!"

2007-11-10 05:30:31 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend.
"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you
to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree,
and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what
happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street
in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."
The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are
forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."
The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before
responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She
leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn
funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

2007-11-10 05:28:05 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States

Here are this year's winners:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son!

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

2007-11-10 05:08:04 · 12 answers · asked by xoxox 5

http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/G/gayometer/gayometer.html

Me, i'me 23%

2007-11-10 04:46:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

2007-11-10 04:01:27 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-10 03:37:23 · 9 answers · asked by normark 2

I want to play a joke on my boss who is in Real Estate and I work for him as a handy man. Can someone give me some ideas for some jokes I could play on him that WON'T get me fired???
I will vote my best answer based on uniqueness...

2007-11-10 03:31:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
***********************************************************************
Sorry, if this is affencive to anybody. But was it funny??

2007-11-10 03:19:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous