Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an a*shole when you're drunk."

2007-11-14 19:46:24 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-11-14 19:35:24 · 13 answers · asked by 2Tall 2

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

2007-11-14 18:57:45 · 8 answers · asked by 2Tall 2

Mary and Sheila were outside their old people's nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Sheila pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Mary asks, "What's that?"

Sheilacalmly replies. "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Mary then asks "Where did you get it?"

Sheila says, "You can get them at any pharmacist."

The next day, Mary hobbles into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Mary replies "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

2007-11-14 18:56:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

2007-11-14 18:47:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

He laid her on the table,
So white and clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then he felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide -- he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
...And then he stuffed the turkey.


(And just what were you expecting??)

2007-11-14 18:43:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The World's Hardest Riddle

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.

Can you guess the riddle?

2007-11-14 18:35:08 · 15 answers · asked by 2Tall 2

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing
behind the counter is a young woman.

"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks. "Well," she replies,
"I am the pharmacist."

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist,
as he has a "male problem."

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this
particular establishment.

He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess
I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection,
and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this
for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?"

The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back
and ask my sister."

After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you
half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can
give you for it..."

2007-11-14 18:34:25 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"



One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

2007-11-14 18:30:55 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Wanna more jokes http://jokes.coolstuffs.in

2007-11-14 18:08:06 · 3 answers · asked by kalai 4

Little Sarah came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sarah went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sarah's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sarah replied, "No...salty

2007-11-14 18:03:27 · 24 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

I look up jokes from different cultures, gonna copy and past one from a chinese website.
_______________________________________________-
A peon was walking along a withered highway one faded morn. Approached him a bandit, who offered him 3 choices. For his first choice, the humble peon asked for a million bowls of rice so he would never be swallowed by gluttony. However the bandit had already made it clear there were only 3 answers and one correct question. The man was turned into a flower, to teach the moral of equivalency ever more. The children applauded him.

2007-11-14 16:18:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

H B V I N R O E L

2007-11-14 15:53:40 · 5 answers · asked by cast.no.shadow 5

a person went 2 Goa,he wasn't very much educated.There he went 2 a beach,after having some fun,he was taking rest........
after somtime an englishman came 2 him & asked,"R u relaxing???he replied,"NO,I'm bantoo".
after somtime again a person came 2 him & asked the same,he replied,"no,i'm bantoo".
when the 3rd person came with the same Ques,he got frustated & left the place

after half an hour bantoo came 2 the same place,a man was taking rest there..........
bantoo asked him,"R u relaxing?"
the man replied,"yeah,I'm relaxing"
bantoo gave him two slaps & said,"everyone is looking 4 u & u r sitting here?????????"

2007-11-14 15:08:50 · 10 answers · asked by muskaan 4

There are 7 girls in a bus
Each girl has 7 backpacks
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats
For every big cat there are 7 little cats

Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

I know the answer is 10990, but I can not figure out how they get that. Can anyone break that down and explain? Just curious, thanks!

2007-11-14 15:05:26 · 5 answers · asked by Diane D 2

global warmming, I mean does he tap the mercury to make ABSOLUTELY SURE its' correct?

2007-11-14 14:56:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q:what goes Cloppety clop clop clop....clop clop
BANG BANG BANG ~CLOPPETY CLOP CLOPPETY CLOPPETY CLOP CLOPPETY CLOP


A: A Mormon drive by shooting

2007-11-14 14:38:47 · 16 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pus'sy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-11-14 14:28:57 · 9 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

I am self conscious...we were dissectinga male pig and we went inside it (we were in a group...all girls except for me)
and there was this little strand sticking out inside of the big and th is girl was like is this his dudo. (or something like that) and then the other girl was like u should be more familiarwith this....and the group was laughing and i smiled to cause i didnt want to seem like i get offended by that
and i was like well lol i dont actually go inside of myself...she was like i was jk

2007-11-14 14:12:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fill in the blank. Most creative gets best answer.

:)

2007-11-14 14:11:39 · 20 answers · asked by perfectltangel 4

1]Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"


A. A blind person with a rubix cube.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2] Q:what do you call 5 gays in a van



A:the aids team
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3] Q:what do you call a gay bar with no bar stools



A:a fruit stand

2007-11-14 14:09:28 · 18 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

Please star if you like it. Thx.

4 High School friends meet at their Class Reunion. All 4 then go to bathroom all start to talk about their sons...---
Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!
Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud too. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.
Dude 3: My son got rich too. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.
Dude 4: Returns from the stall after overhearing them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.---
Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay strip joint for a living.
Dude 1: What a shame.,,
Dude 4: No, not really.,, He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet, yatch, and 2 Hummer H2's which were all given by his boyfriends.

2007-11-14 14:07:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow- job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

2007-11-14 14:04:42 · 9 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint
a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to
the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka
and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if
she
is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she
wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a
parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and it said . . ....


















FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"



(im back)

2007-11-14 14:01:47 · 6 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

ONE MAN IS IN THE LIQUOR STORE AND ASKS ANOTHER MAN:
Man 1: How do you win the lottery?
Man 2: It's easy. Its all about numbers. 1st: how many beers have you drank today?
Man 1: 3
Man 2: Ok, first number is 3. 2nd: how many times have you been so drunk that you blacked out.
Man 1: 5
Man 2: Ok, 2nd number is 5. 3rd: how many times have you been so drunk that you were raped by another man?
Man 1: (so insulted) What!! That's never happened, I'm %100 man! I oughta kick your ....
Man 2: Hey take it easy, I don't mean anything, I'm just trying to get your third number. So your 3rd number is 0. 3,5,0
So the 1st man bought the ticket with 3 5 0 and went home. That night he read the numbers on the television, 3, 5, 2.
Man 1: (so angry) damn, if only I had told the truth!!

2007-11-14 13:58:50 · 13 answers · asked by ☆Lucero La Novia D América☆ 4

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks out into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in the bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!!"

2007-11-14 13:52:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?












The perfect man, because the perfect woman and elves aren't real.

2007-11-14 13:34:04 · 13 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

2007-11-14 13:28:31 · 22 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
3) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
4) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
5) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
6)Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

2007-11-14 13:24:56 · 8 answers · asked by Steve C 7

5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."


Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

2007-11-14 13:20:59 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4