Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.


LOL

If u liked it Rate outta ten plz

2007-11-15 06:31:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-15 06:26:33 · 8 answers · asked by bonstermonster20 6

theres three girls, a blonde girl, a red head girl and a brown head girl. they had a chance to go up to heaven and see what is was like and god said 'when walking up the 100 stairs i will tell you a joke and if you laff at them then you are out and you are not allowed up'.

so all the girls agreed and started walking up the stairs god told the first joke and the brown head girl just bust out laffing and fell to the ground.
half way up and god told another joke and then the red head girl fell down off laughter.
then on the 99th step the blonde girl burst out lauhging and god said ' what you laughing at i aint even told the joke yet'
the bolnde head girl said 'ive onli just got the firat joke'

lolz hehehe

2007-11-15 06:24:23 · 19 answers · asked by shez 2

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world." He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $500 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $500.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $500.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can you not play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

2007-11-15 06:21:48 · 13 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!'

2007-11-15 06:20:24 · 13 answers · asked by Steve C 7

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist,

looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription"

2007-11-15 06:18:41 · 10 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

2007-11-15 06:08:04 · 13 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A guy steals a joint of beef from a shop and the security guard runs after him and shouts;

'Oi, what you doing with that??'

The thief turns round and shouts back,

'Spuds, carrots and peas mate.......' hahaha!

2007-11-15 06:06:56 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chad and Mike were a pair of winos. They woke up with the shakes one
afternoon to find that they only had forty cents between them. Chad began
to climb the walls, but Mike said calmly," Look old man, give me the forty
cents and I'll show you how we can drink free all day."



So they went into a delicatessen, Chad bought a frankfurter and placed it
in Mike's fly. Next, they went into a near by bar and ordered drinks. When
the bartender asked for his money Chad dropped to his knees and started
sucking on the frankfurter. The bartender screamed," You damn queers get
out of here."



They repeated this scene in bar after bar, until they had visited a dozen
of them. Finally Chad complained, "Listen Mike, it is a great scheme but
my knees are getting sore from hitting the floor so much!"



Mike shook his head. "You should complain," said Mike, "We lost the hotdog
after the second bar!"

2007-11-15 05:54:41 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

a man has a serious bowel problem and farts constantly. his grossed out wife comes up with a plan. she buys some pig guts from the butchers and says to her husband:

"if you keep on farting you are going to fart your guts out"

knowing that her husband is not that gullible, the wife carefully puts the guts down the mans pants in his sleep.

in the morning the man wakes up horrified and rushes to the bathroom. when he comes out he says:

"you were right about the farting. thankfully, i manage to push my guts back up again".

rate out of 10 please!

2007-11-15 05:05:48 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

smart or funny
fat or thin
fast or slow
rain or snow
long or short
straight or curly
stripes or poke a dots
cell or home phone
tv or computer
night or day
shower or bath
candle or lamp
hard or soft

2007-11-15 04:56:23 · 17 answers · asked by Gisela G 1

2007-11-15 04:54:47 · 18 answers · asked by Alan W 2

Firewood.......lmao?
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
>
> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
> "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them
Logs, but he's hidin' it there."
>
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
> search the shed where the firewood is kept.
>
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana
. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
>
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
>
"Yeah!"
>
"Did they chop your firewood?"
>
"Yep!"
>
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
>
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

2007-11-15 04:51:36 · 14 answers · asked by sunshine 5

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What the Sierra Club proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be controlled.

All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't ******' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

Pls. star if you like this one. Thx.

2007-11-15 04:34:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man is sitting in a weelchair and then he suddenly gets up and strats walking?

how is this possible??

2007-11-15 04:24:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

2007-11-15 04:21:54 · 26 answers · asked by tastybits 7

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.

Can you guess the riddle?

2007-11-15 04:21:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.
Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap.
Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club,
and hits the ball onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap,
where the ball curiously floats.
So he walks down to the lake, across the water,
and hits his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water also.
As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it
and is immediately grabbed by an eagle,
which deposits the fish on the green.
The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says,
“Nice shot, Dad,
but would you quit messing around and play golf?”

2007-11-15 04:18:40 · 15 answers · asked by tastybits 7

When you are dating..... F*rting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says What are you going to drink?


When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public


When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot


When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself.... Was he ALWAYS this hairy??


When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him If we have s*x, will you leave me alone???


When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets


When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first


When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out


When you are dating..... He knows what the hamper is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage

When you are dating..... He understands that you have;male friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away


When you are dating..... He likes to discuss things
When you are married ....He develops a stare


When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you Hey; and refers to you when speaking to others as She

2007-11-15 04:15:25 · 21 answers · asked by tastybits 7

???

2007-11-15 04:10:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

2007-11-15 04:08:57 · 12 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the guy went back to his car.

He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off.

The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side." The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side.

People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up.

He walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, "Do you want me to do it again?" The elephant then shook his head from side to side frantically.

2007-11-15 04:06:38 · 22 answers · asked by Freakin 6

I was in ASDA the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog, and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story, and she was totally believing it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
how enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my b***ocks when a car hit me".

2007-11-15 04:05:28 · 16 answers · asked by tastybits 7

The other day my wife got out of the shower , looked in the mirror, and says "y'know hon, my breasts are too small".
Being the nice guy I am, I replied "no, they're perfect"
She insisted they were too small.
And now for the rest of the story!
Me: If you want them bigger, rub them with toilet paper
Her: WHAT?
Me:Rub them with toilet paper!
She proceeded to rub them, then said "nothing is happening"!
Me: you gotta do it longer!
She rubbed it some more
Her: Still nothing!
Me: you gotta do it for a LONG time
Her:How long?
Me: a few years
Her: WHAT?
Me: it worked on your butt, didn't it?

2007-11-15 04:04:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the answer can only be WHEN he jumps not before or after.
its not handrail because thats before AND during his jump
its not air because that was during AND after.
pleez! im still trying to win the money!

2007-11-15 04:02:22 · 10 answers · asked by coolawesomeskater 2

Two college buddies wanted to go drinking one Saturday night. Having only 50 cents between them they devised a plan to get free drinks all night.

They went to a vendor at the corner and ordered a plain hot dog no bun. One of the guys then placed the hotdog in the front of his jeans. They proceeded to the first bar.

Not wanting to push their luck they kept the tab fairly low and when the bartender asked for payment the two gentlemen looked at each other and one guy opened his zipper and let the hotdog protrude while the other got on his knees and placed his mouth on it.

Disgusted with this scene the bartender threw the two out. This went on for about 5 bars when one guy looked at the other and said he was tired of getting on his knees, "Let me have the hotdog in the next bar."

The first guy shrugged the guy off and said, "Oh shoot, I got rid of that thing 3 bars back...."

2007-11-15 04:01:57 · 18 answers · asked by Freakin 6

There was a married couple that was involved in a terrible car accident.The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because because of her burns. The husband then donated some of his skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his
buttocks.The husband requested the doctors that no one be told of this.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.There is no way I could ever repay you."

The husband replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty of thanks every-time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

2007-11-15 04:00:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-15 03:56:56 · 6 answers · asked by Theresa L 2

whats dumber than a brunette building a house underwater??
a blonde trying to burn it down!

2007-11-15 03:51:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

...but are met at the gates by St Peter who tells them there is only space for one of them.
To determine who gets in, they have to say how they died, the most unfortunate death gets a place in heaven.

1st Bloke - I come home from work and find my woman naked in bed, with another man's clothes on the floor, I know she's cheating, but can't find the bloke. I look out over the balcony of our 10th floor appartment and see this bloke in his boxers hanging from the balcony below, I drop a vase on his head and he falls to the floor below, but the bushes broke his fall and he survived. In a mad panic I grabbed the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony crushing the guy to death. I died from a heart attack due to the strain.

2nd bloke - I'm doing pull-ups on my balcony, when some maniac from the floor above drops a vase on my head, I survive the fall, but then he drops a fridge on me.

3rd bloke - Picture this, i'm hiding in a refrigerator.

2007-11-15 03:29:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous