Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...



A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.



After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.



When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.



When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.



"But we didn't use them," the man complains.



"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.



"But we didn't go to any of those shows, complains the man again."



"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.



No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agree's to pay.



He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.



The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."



"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."



"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.



Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

2007-11-15 14:38:04 · 9 answers · asked by Brownie12866 2

This is a game. Be the one with the corect answer.

2007-11-15 14:18:11 · 15 answers · asked by SNAKEDOG 3

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

Pls star if you liked that one. thx.

2007-11-15 14:08:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.


He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'


'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'


'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here, and you could have ! '

2007-11-15 13:35:11 · 13 answers · asked by PC 7

One door gets you out of the room and one door will result in immediate death. One of the computers will always lie to you and one will always tell the truth. You can only ask one of them one question. What question do you ask in order to get out of the room safely and alive. You dont know which computer answers your question.

2007-11-15 13:32:52 · 3 answers · asked by Timmy K 2

Having Wasted a Good Few Gallons Of Gas..

2007-11-15 13:13:01 · 4 answers · asked by conundrum 7

The professor for class Logic 315 says on Friday: "We're going to have a surprise quiz next week, but I'm not telling you what day... if you can figure out what day it will be on, I'll cancel the quiz."

The students get together and decide that the quiz can't be on Friday, as if the quiz doesn't happen by Thursday, it'll be obvious the quiz is on Friday. Similarly, the quiz can't be on Thursday, because we know it won't be on Friday, and if the quiz doesn't happen by Wednesday, it'll be obvious it's on Thursday (because it can't be on Friday). Same thing for Wednesday, Tuesday and Monday. So it can't be on ANY day, so there's no quiz next week!"

They tell the professor, who smiles and says, "Well, nice to see you're thinking about it."

On Tuesday, the professor gives the quiz, totally unexpected!

What's the flaw in the students' thinking?

2007-11-15 13:09:34 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

2007-11-15 13:04:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

2007-11-15 13:01:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

2007-11-15 12:59:16 · 10 answers · asked by thirdfrikkingaccount 3

The Reason

Nasrudin went to a rich man.
‘Give me some money.’
‘Why?’ ‘I want to buy … an elephant.’
‘If you have no money, you can’t afford to keep an elephant.’
‘I came here’, said Nasrudin, ‘to get money, not advice.’

.............
Delivering a Khutba,
Once, Nasreddin was invited to deliver a khutba. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left.
The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "YES". So Nasreddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left.
Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week.
.....
If you liked don't forget to give a star

2007-11-15 12:56:17 · 4 answers · asked by daark 3

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

2007-11-15 12:45:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps
talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?

Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to
enjoy your well-earned privacy:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop and open it.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep
breath

6. Click on the following web address:

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

7. Watch him sh*t his pants

2007-11-15 12:42:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

2007-11-15 12:41:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well the boy is ecstatis, but he has never had sex. So he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time, so the man helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register to pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3 pack, 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time. That night, the boy shows up at the her house and meets his girl at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet them, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the parent's are. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

2007-11-15 12:29:03 · 23 answers · asked by Bronx's Momma 2

Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?



Answer in a little

2007-11-15 12:21:01 · 9 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

What is it that, after you take away the whole, some still remains?



Answer in a little

2007-11-15 12:16:43 · 5 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact they are about to be audited during the coming month. Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm scr*wed!" "I'm scr*wed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.
"Guys, I am about to be f**ked beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish.
Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you OK?" asks the guy.
"Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering... How do I go about getting audited?"

2007-11-15 12:11:04 · 10 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose!

2007-11-15 12:08:47 · 14 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

i need good jokes does any one have any?? it doesnt matter what kind...blond jokes, any kind of jokes..

2007-11-15 12:07:57 · 7 answers · asked by ==>♥♥♥♫§Ħ0®±¥♫♥♥♥<== 2

Joe, age 87, and Moe, age 80, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. Joe had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. Moe, was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
Joe said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, Moe stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
Moe said, "I want 5 loaves".
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
Moe replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this sh*t but me."

2007-11-15 12:07:11 · 11 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

So they can get closer to the counters in the kitchen.

2007-11-15 12:01:26 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

(Parody of the famous line in the movie "The Sixth Sense")

Child: Mommy...

Mom: Yes, sweetheart?

Child: I see black people.

Mom: I know sweetheart, Mommy sees them too.

I'm going to expand it.

Maybe they're on a bus or in a car going to a black neighborhood that is cheaper to live in because can't afford her house or apartment anymore??? IDK...

By the way, I am a 14-year-old boy and I live in New York, and I love Mad TV and Reno 911.

What do you think/any pointers? Critics welcome. :)

2007-11-15 11:58:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.

Can you guess the riddle?




AND TRUST ME;
IT WAS THE MOST SIMPLEST THING YOU WOULDNT HAVE GUESSED

2007-11-15 11:38:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I didn't make these up...but i love them!! Enjoy

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

2007-11-15 11:35:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

2007-11-15 11:19:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

2007-11-15 11:11:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The names of 6 people are hidden in the following sentence, the letters are in consecutive order.
"I want to halt the lending spree of my rather silly friend"

2007-11-15 11:01:42 · 12 answers · asked by **Silvia** 3

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

2007-11-15 10:55:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

if a farmer has 2 13/27 and 14 10/11 haystacks, how many haystacks will he have if he puts them together?

you must explain your answer

2007-11-15 10:55:02 · 5 answers · asked by delpiero love 1