whats the best joke you have ever heard?

Answer 1

a girl says to her boyfriend"Honey I gotta break up with you your friends told me you are a pedofile" and he replied "PEDOFILE! Gosh honey thats a pretty big word for a seven year old


how do you tell a blind man in a nudist colony? \
Its not hard


What do you do if you find out your boyfriends gay?\\
Take it like a man

a sheep rancher was visited by his cousin from the city He took him out on horseback to see the property and they came across a ram with his horns stuck in a barbwire fence
the sheep rancher got off his horse and walked over to the ram and f*&^ d the hell out of him
He then came back and got on his horse when his cousin asked "Hey can I do that too!" The rancher said sure \So the city cousin got off his horse walked over to the barbwire fence and bent over and stuck his head in the bard wire


sadie is the last of the red hot mamas last week her boyfriend said to her "You know sadie when I am 80 I am gonna go get myself a 20 year old" sadie replied"Oh yeah well when I am 80 I am gonna get MYSELF a 20 year old and 20 goes into 80 alot easier than 80 goes into 20"


What did one fly say to the other fly?
Is this stool taken?

what did jesus say as he hung on the cross?
This is a hell of a way to spend easter vacation

a man walks up to the bar and says "Bartender give me a shot of 20 year old George Dickel" The bartender looks and can't fomd amu pm tje sje;f sp je gpes om back and finds some 10 year old George Dickel.Hoping the man can't tell the difference he pours a shot and brings it out The man takes the shot and immediately says "Thats 10 year old George Dickel " The bartender goes back to the store room and finds some 14 year old George Dickel and pours a shot for the man and brings it out again hoping he wont' notice
The m,an takes the shot and says " Thats 14 year old George Dickel" The bartender is amazed he goes back to the store room and emerges again with another shot
The man drinks it and imediately spits it out:"Hey! he shouts THATS PISS! "Yeah" says the bartender"
but how old am I>?


The owner of a whore house was having a busy night and so he bought a blow up doll knowing his clients would never know the difference The next man who came in he assured the man he was going to get one of his best girls After the man was done he questioned him about how it was "Well it was going pretty good but when I tried to bite her tit she farted and flew out the window"


grumpy went to see the pope and he asked him"do you have any nuns about 4ft high black and white habit?""Well actually grumpy all our nuns are required to be at least 5ft tall " grumpy looked down at his feet and began to walk away and then stopped and turned his head and said earnstly "are you SURE ?" "Yes grumpy I am sure" the pope replied
curious the pope watched grumpy go back to the pews where the other six dwarves were waiting They all began to ask him"What did he say !?What did he say?!" grumpy looked at his feet and murmered "He said they didn;t" The other dwarves began to laugh and chant "Grumpy f^*&d a penguin Grumpy f(*^d a penguin"

Answer 2

I really Like this one! The Combine

A wife is cleaning the stove, she's working on the inside of the oven with the upper half of her body inside the stove and her backside sticking up when her husband comes into the kitchen for a drink.

He stands and looks at her for a minute, then says "Your A*$ is getting as big as a combine!"

She's obviously ticked but decides that he'd not going to ruin her day so she ignores him.

That night in bed, he turns to her and gets a little frisky, he wants some action.

She turns to him "If you think I'm going to start up this $200,000 dollar machine to do one measly cob of corn, you're sadly mistaken!"

Answer 3

the dumbiest one must be this one: A snail walks right into a bar and the bartender kicks him out. A twelve months later a similar snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you try this for?" the funniest one by ability of a few distance is this one: lol a mushy teenaged female turned right into a prostitute and, for glaring motives, saved it a secret from her Grandma. in the destiny, the police raided a brothel and arrested a set of prostitutes, mutually with the more youthful female. The prostitutes were recommended to line up in a immediately line on the sidewalk. properly, who must be walking interior the community, yet little previous Grandma. The youthful female grew to develop into frantic. positive sufficient, Grandma observed her youthful granddaughter and requested curiously, "What are you lining up for expensive?" no longer prepared to enable grandma in on her secret, the more youthful female reported that some human beings were giving out loose oranges and that she changed into lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds amazing," reported Grandma, "i imagine i will have some myself," she continued as she made her thanks to the decrease back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each and each and every of the prostitutes. at the same time as he were given to Grandma on the top of the line, he changed into bewildered. "yet, you're so previous, how do you do it?" Grandma answered," Oh, it really is extremely straightforward sonny, I in basic terms get rid of my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Answer 4

I was on a walk the other day and I came to a busy intersection. There was a blind man on a walk with his dog standing on the corner and after hitting the crossing button I bid him good day. After a few minutes the dog walked close to it's owner and started urineating on the blind man's leg. Noticing this the blind man pulls a treat out of his pocket and starts whistleing and saying good dog while the dog is peeing on him.
I turned to the man and said "You know if you reward him for doing that he'll just keep doing it."
To which the blind man said: I'm not rewarding him, I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his A-S-S!

Answer 5

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Answer 6

This!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads

and this!

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

Answer 7

person 1: hey i heard the 49ers are changing their name!
Person 2: seriously to what?
person 1:to the 9ers
person 2: y
Person 1: cuzs they can only average 9 points a game

its funner if u say it to a person that is a 49ers fan.......to see their faces now that's priceless

Answer 8

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

-----mitch hedberg

Here a couple of my favorites. You should check out his stuff on comedy central. He was amazing!!

Answer 9

what happens when you give a cat lemons?
you get a sour puss

what kind of dog has no legs?
a hot dog

what is a sure way to get into a circus?
buy a ticket

what gets lost every time you stand up?
your lap

i tell these jokes to my Alzheimer's patients
they love em
the funny thing is
i tell the same jokes every day
and they are still just as good
heee hee to me and them