Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

After a few days, the Lord calls Adam to him, and says, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to start kissing Eve."
"Yes Lord, but what's a kiss?"
So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam takes Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerges and says, "Lord that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replies, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam says, "Lord, what's a caress?"
So the Lord gives Adam a brief description and Adam again goes behing the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returns smiling and says, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord says, "You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam says, "Lord, what's making love?"
So the Lord again gives Adam directions, and Adam goes behind the bush with Eve.
But this time he reappears in two seconds. Adam says, "Lord, what's a headache?"

2007-11-23 10:19:59 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded,"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

2007-11-23 10:18:17 · 20 answers · asked by x Queen Bee x 3

who had been without sex for several years, decided that they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?"

The second old man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"

2007-11-23 10:17:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers.
They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage
free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign.
It reads, "I only need another $ 10.00 to move back to Mexico "

2007-11-23 10:16:53 · 4 answers · asked by Noodles [{Trashy but Classy}] 5

Gary walks into a doctor's office and the receptionist asks him what he has.
He says, "Shingles."
So she takes down his name, address and medical insurance number, and tells him to take a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid comes out and asks him what he has.
"He says, "Shingles."
So she takes down his height, weight and a complete medical history. Then she tells hin to wait in the examining room.Ten minutes later a nurse comes in, asks Gary what he has.
He says, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram, and tells him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor comes in and asks him what he has.
"Again, he says, "Shingles!"
The doctor asks, "Where?"
Gary says, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" :)

2007-11-23 10:08:05 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: Because they always forget the recipe

2007-11-23 10:01:00 · 9 answers · asked by Samuel L. Jackson 5

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second does and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "Arrgghhhh!"
"What's the matter?" asks the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

2007-11-23 09:58:02 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...because we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train .... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay.....please see the ***** in the kitchen...."

2007-11-23 09:56:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ed went to see the Doctor. The Doctor asked what was wrong.
"Don't laugh!" said the patient Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient".
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied

2007-11-23 09:45:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrrhoea, not gonorrhoea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t that he really was."

2007-11-23 09:29:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A ventriloquist comes out on stage at the comedy club, with his dummy on his lap the dummy starts telling dumb blonde jokes, and the blonde woman in the front stands up and starts yelling at him. " How dare you put down all blonde haired women like that? You should be ashamed!" Then the man starts apologizing saying " I'm so sorry ma'am I didn't mean to be offensive to anyone, after all this is a comedy club and I assure you'' then she cuts him off and says " oh no sir, NOT YOU! I was talking to that little jerk on your knee..."

2007-11-23 09:07:58 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

2007-11-23 09:00:10 · 8 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

A man in a bar goes into the bathroom, and a few minutes later there's a bloodcurtling scream. The bartender just looks around and shrugs his shoulders. Then a few seconds later another hellacious scream, and the bartender says " what the heck?" Then a few more seconds later yet another loud scream and the bartender say's " that's it, I'm going in to check this out." He see's the man sitting there and asks " are you okay in here?" The man replies " everytime I flush this thing I get this excruciating pain in my ba*ls." The bartender says " you damn drunk, your sitting on the mop bucket!!"

2007-11-23 08:48:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rate on funny scale 1-100. A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can all over the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:
(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(OK, here it comes . . . )

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

2007-11-23 08:39:39 · 6 answers · asked by ~Morgan~ 3

2007-11-23 08:21:07 · 6 answers · asked by Amy 1

2007-11-23 08:03:50 · 18 answers · asked by Amy 1

If you have nuts on your wall.there wallnuts.if you have nuts on your chest.there chestnuts.what do u call nuts on your chin?

2007-11-23 07:21:39 · 16 answers · asked by Kelss. 1

An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demands.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she
replies.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of God, Maggie! Where the hell are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love 'o God,
'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

2007-11-23 07:10:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

None- ninjas took the lightbulb out in the first place

2007-11-23 06:57:02 · 11 answers · asked by Buzzard 7

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.
Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.
Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.
Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I’ll get a clear shot at the bear.
Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and I’ll have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunter’s sack.
Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese . . . then I’ll be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole.
Suddenly, the fly drops two inches . . .
Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream . . .
What’s the moral of the story?
If a fly drops two inches, a p-u-s-s-y gets wet!

2007-11-23 06:51:09 · 18 answers · asked by ♥ 2

And crept in thru a crack in the door. Once inside he heard drunken singing and went to investigate. He spotted a large chamber pot on the floor, and inside was a mouse rowing a small boat round and round singing 'sea shanties' You look like a drowned rat, said mouse, go and sit by the fire & get warm. " Is there a cat? asked rat. Dont worry about him he's a wuss. Once dry the rat said he was hungry. Just help yourself from the larder said mouse. "The cat?" said rat. 'No problem he's a wuss!' said mouse. So rat went and helped himself to some food, where he was savaged by the cat, and was left for dead. Rat managed to drag himself back to where the mouse was still rowing round the chamber pot, still singing, and said ," I thought you said that cat was a wuss, he nearly killed me!!" 'Didnt you know not to take any notice of someone on the pish!' said mouse

2007-11-23 06:50:50 · 5 answers · asked by george d 6

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”

The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”

The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”

2007-11-23 06:44:28 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

2007-11-23 06:33:09 · 13 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Allan, Brian, and Mike were captured by the Nazis. The Germans told them they would only let them go if their penis sizes totaled up to 12 inches. Allan walked in and he measured 6 1/2 inches.

Mike added 5 inches.

Finally, Brian walked in and he measured 1/2 inch.

So the Nazis let them go.

Allan said, "If it wasn't for my 6 1/2 inches, we would never have gotten out." Mike said, "Well, if it wasn't for my 5 inches, we'd still be prisoners."

Brian challenged, "Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for my hard-on, we could have been dead."

2007-11-23 06:27:18 · 21 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

A mother receives the following tetchy letter from her son's teacher one day:

Dear Mrs Dickson

It is with regret that I write you this letter, but I have to inform you, as you are probably the last to know, that your son is being quite disgusting every time we go for swimming lessons at the local pool.

In short he urinates in it, and I think you should do something to stop him doing this.

It is filthy, unhealthy and positively un-natural.

Yours etc
Ms Greer
(Teacher, Heathland Primary)



Well our mother is livid. Of course little boys will urninate a little while swimming, happens all the time. She get's in her car and goes straight to the school and marches into the classroom

"What's the meaning of this letter?" she yells at the startled teacher, "little boys have always from time to time urinated in swimming pools."

To helpless laughter from the delighted kids the teacher responds quietly

"From the diving board?"

2007-11-23 06:26:37 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

We’re not in cause we’re out LOOTING! Leave a message and we’ll call you back and tell you what we got
Hi. This is David. I’ve shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I’m going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up, I’ll play my messages. Please leave one.
To the tune of Sidewalk Surfing by the Beach Boys:) Catch a quake and go seismo surfing with me… (Music fades.) Yo, Dudes and Dudettes! Grab your skateboard and head for the nearest epicenter, because *QUAKE’S UP*! As for me, I’m from New Jersey, so I’m gonna hide under the biggest doggone piece of furniture I can find. Leave your message at the tone, and I’ll get back to you as soon as the shaking stops
can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message
Hello, I’m not here right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner
Steve is reassembling Elvis’ brain and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name…
I’m unable to take your call in person because I’m having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I’m standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.(((((((((( I SCREAM AT THIS ONE))))))))))))))LOL.
I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing
I can’t answer the phone now because I’m over at Slobinskis’s house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb

2007-11-23 06:25:29 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ 2

One hot August day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet, we didn't know what to call her, so we just called her "pu*sy."

The vet decided to keep her for a couple of days, he said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and the vet don't see eye to eye, he calls my husband "El- Cheap-o" My husband calls him "El-Take-O" They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the Vet. The doctors office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the Vet- he obviously had seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pu*sy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh and by the way ,I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and he closed the door.

Now THAT my friends, is getting even.

2007-11-23 06:19:22 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

My teacher was asking the class this and we all cant figure it out! Please help! Thanks!

2007-11-23 06:15:15 · 4 answers · asked by Kevin Van Dam Jr. 2

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced

2007-11-23 06:10:54 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She cried, "£150
just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
£150.00."

2007-11-23 05:29:35 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7