Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

The priest of a local church was invited golfing with some
friends, but realised that it was during the same hours
that he does confession. Not wanting to miss the golf he
convinced the church janitor to sit in and do confession
for him. He wrote down evey sin he could think of and the resolution
for each one as well. The first person to enter told the janitor
he had stolen something from a convient store, so the janitor
looked up theif and found that he needed to have the man do
three hail maries and beg for forgiveness. The next was
a woman who said she had not been faithful to her husband.
Next to adultery he found six hail maries and beg for forgiveness.
He was beginning to feel confident when the third person
said " forgive me father I have given a blo*job and
I'm not married. The janitor looked through his list but
could not find blo*job anywhere. He was beginning to panic
when he saw the alter boy walking by and stopped him and asked

2007-11-24 11:57:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear
or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded
for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance,
who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment, " Socrates replied. "Before
you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's
called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?"


"That's correct, " Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's
take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you
are about to tell me is s true?" "No, "
the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."


"All right, " said Socrates. "So you
don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's
try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

2007-11-24 11:56:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95
year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while
we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many
years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and
if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive
today!"

2007-11-24 11:52:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes, "he says, "I was in Vietnam for three
years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points
toward employment, " and then asks, "Are you
disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%...a mortar round exploded
near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tell the guy, "OK, I can hire you right
now. The hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00PM. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00AM"

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from
8:00AM to 4:00PM then why do you want me to come in at 10:00AM?"


"This is a government job, "the interviewer
says, "For the first two hours we stand around scratching
our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

2007-11-24 11:52:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is a joke that might not be the funniest but is at least enough to make someone chuckle I'd say. Well, hope you enjoy reading it.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

2007-11-24 11:47:35 · 15 answers · asked by layanne1 4

One day a man who has always taken care of his body was naked looking in a mirror, noticed he was tan all over xcept his penis. So he goes to the beach covers his body in sand xcept his penis. When two old ladies come by. The first lady looks down and says there is no justice in this world anymore, her friend asks what do you mean? The old lady says well when I was twenty I was curious, when I was thirty I got it, when i was forty I was sick of it when I was fifty I begged for it, when I was sixty I dreamed of it, now that I'm seventy the damn' things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!

2007-11-24 11:46:30 · 8 answers · asked by 420 4' LIFE 3

Pls star if worthy. Thx.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?

2007-11-24 11:41:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two brothers go up their log cabin way out in the boonies
to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods,
one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches
up and bites him directly in the crotch! Immediately he
begins to get woozy. His brother quickly picks him up and
carries him back to the log cabin. Since the
are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he
can do anything for his sickly brother. The doctor asks
him what kind of snake it was. He says:"I don't
know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow
and black." The doctor says: "Oh, that's
a very poisonous snake. You'll have to suck the poison
out or your brother will be dead in half an hour." So
he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother
asks, barely conscious :"What did the doctor say?"
And his brother says:"You'll be dead in half
an hour."

2007-11-24 11:26:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was a rough looking cafe but the motorist was hungry and
decided to give it a try. "What will ya have Sweetie?" asked a waitress
who looked like a wrestler. "Two hamburgers and a hot dog, " he ordered.
She went to the fridge, got two meat patties and stuck them
up under her armpits. "What's that for?" asked the motorist.
"Everythings deep frozen and the microwave's
busted, " she explained, "this is the only
way I can thaw them out." "Well okay", said the disillusioned motorist,
"but forget the hot dog."

2007-11-24 11:26:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dad was explaining the facts of life to his son. He covered
the basic biology, and then moved on to the finer points
of making love. Dad: "All women are different son, one thing to keep
in mind is that different women say different things, during
the sex, even if you are doing the same thing." Son: " What do you mean." Dad: "Well, thier words, will very with thier

occupations,
for example, a prositute will say are you done yet?"
Son: " I see." Dad: "On the other hand a nyphomaniac will ask, ''Are
you done already?'' Son: "GO on." Dad: "A school teacher will say, ''We are going
to do this over and over again, untill you get it right.''
Son: "Wow." Dad: "A nurse will say, 'This won't hurt
a bit'' and a bank teller will say ''Substantail
penalty for early withdrawal.'while a stewerdess
will say, ''Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe
normally." Son: "Gee, Dad, what does mom say?'' Dad: "Beige, beige, we should paint the ceiling beige."

2007-11-24 11:26:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.

After the doctor completes the physical, she says, "You
can get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few days. Stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just
gave you."

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well,
you seem to be in perfect health. I couldn't find a thing
wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment
you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients,
and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her ''private''
area so clean and fresh."

The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly
good reason for that . . . you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week."

2007-11-24 11:26:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the most coward.


The first one says, " My dad is so scared that when
a lightning strikes he slides underneath our bed"


The second kid goes, " That's nutting, my dad
is so scared that when mummy works night-shift he sleeps
with the woman next door."

2007-11-24 11:25:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!
"Good, " she replied... "Get your own f*cking blanket.
After a stunned moment of silence, he turned over, farted and went to sleep.

2007-11-24 11:18:08 · 8 answers · asked by Pompeyrew 4

If the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side, then I wonder what was on the other side?

2007-11-24 11:15:54 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hope you enjoyed this joke. Just let me know how funny you thought it was and what your rating for this would be on a scale of 1-10.

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

2007-11-24 11:05:09 · 10 answers · asked by layanne1 4

A man sees a long time friend after a few years of not hearing from him. He asks how he's been, and the other guy say's that he's been o.k. but rather shaken by his father's death. The first man says how sorry he is and says "I hope it wasn't too hard. How did it happen?"
"Well he [my father] was cooking dinner when the stove exploded and set him on fire."
"Oh my God! How awful."
"Oh no, it's o.k. he didn't die. His neighbour heard him shouting and came to try and help him put himself off fire."
"Well that's a relief"
"Not entirely no. He accidently pushed him out of the balcony"
"Oh my God, I'm sorry sorry. What an awful way to go."
"Don't be. He didn't die thank God. He feel into the buildings swimming pool"
"Oh, I guess your right, he must have not fealt too much pain."
"Oh but he did! He hit his head and got a concusion."
"How awful. At least it was quick"
"Well it was- very quik actually. The pool guy jumped in as soon as he saw him fall.

2007-11-24 11:02:16 · 15 answers · asked by Pichka 2

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

2007-11-24 10:50:53 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

given me."To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

2007-11-24 10:09:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl is dating a rather handsome young man and she thinks that he's the guy she'll marry so she goes to her father for advice.

"Listen," he says, going very red in the face, "I've been dreading this, you see, Tommy is my son. I slept with his mother. So, you can't marry your half-brother can you?"

The girl is doubly upset and after a year she gets over Tommy and starts dating another boy.

Unfortunately, when it gets too close, father once more tells her that this other boy is also a son of his.

This happens three times and by now the girl is so mad with her father she thinks it's high time mum knew all about dad's little mistakes.

"God knows what you have been doing all your life," she says to her mother, "but I am sure not getting much of a one! All of my boyfriends to date turned out to be the results of affairs my dad has had with women all over this town. I can't find a man to marry because of him!"

Her mother sighs, then turns to smile very sweetly, "Don't worry my dear - he's actually not your father."

2007-11-24 10:06:56 · 26 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son — the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, ‘’Where am I, Cathy?'’
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

2007-11-24 09:53:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the diffrence between a tyre and 365 used condoms, ones a Goodyear the the other is a bloody Fantastic year

2007-11-24 09:50:01 · 4 answers · asked by Rigman 1

woman was going to marry her boss, on the wedding night she said be gentle with me iam still a virgin, how can you still be a virgin after 5 husbands, well no1 was a hairdresser all he wanted to do was trim it no2 was a gynocoligist he just wanted to look at it no3 was a sycologist he just wanted to talk to it, no 4 was a chiropotist he was always putting his foot in it, and no5 he was a stamp collector, oh thinking back i realy miss him

2007-11-24 09:46:24 · 8 answers · asked by Rigman 1

Is yer Dad home?


A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad." \
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

2007-11-24 09:41:40 · 7 answers · asked by Charlotte's Dad 5

here they are,enjoy.

Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.

In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.

The per centage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam.

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.

:)

2007-11-24 09:35:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

.A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ‘62.”

“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”

2007-11-24 09:13:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

The cat yawns and stretches and says, ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!

2007-11-24 09:06:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

slapped it on the counter and said "now roll that back"......

2007-11-24 08:58:24 · 19 answers · asked by johncob 5

A blonde is out driving around when she bumps into a truck. The driver motions her over and he draws a circle out of chalk around her. He tells her to stand inside of it, and goes over to slash out all her tires. The blonde giggles. Angry, he smashes the glass out of the windows. The blonde laughs even harder. I-n-f-u-r-i-a-t-e-d now the guy keys her car. The blonde doubled over laughing. He asks her what is so funny, she replies, "When you weren't looking...I stepped out of the circle THREE times!

Pls star if worthy. Thx.

2007-11-24 08:56:13 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Bob is having a hard - sorry, scrub that - difficult time with his lovemaking. It's abysmal and his wife suggests he tries Viagra.

Well Bob is sceptical, but apart from that embarrassed, so his wife says she'll accompany him to the pharmacy to get it.

He is absolutely shocked at the price!

"TEN DOLLARS A PILL!" he says to his wife.

She has another angle.

"Oh come on," she says, "That's cheap!"

"CHEAP!???" Bob responds. To which she says very dryly.

"Well, look at it this way...forty bucks a year?"

2007-11-24 08:35:29 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

________________________________________-

What a woman says

"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
blah,blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES

_______________________________________--

2007-11-24 07:24:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous