Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

a blonde walks into an electronics store, and she says to the sales guy"i'd like to buy that TV up there"
he replies "sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
she stomps off, and goes to the salon to dye her hair brown.
she goes back, and says to the guy " i'd like that TV up there" he says " sorry we don't sell to blonds"
she asks "how did you know i'm really a blond?"
that's not a TV, it's a microwave

here's another:
A blond, a brunette, and a red head are on a cannibal island.
they tell them, if you can stick 10 pieces of fruit up your but, you can go free.
the red head uses cherries, gets to 8, but then stops because it hurt.
the brunette uses grapes, gets to 9, but starts to laugh really really hard.
when up in heaven the red head asks the brunette " why did you start laughing you could've made ti"
she repies " i saw the blond trying to use pineapples.

2007-11-05 11:45:45 · 15 answers · asked by HelloHolly 5

2007-11-05 11:36:22 · 12 answers · asked by taco 2

pigs don't turn into men when they drink

2007-11-05 11:24:47 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maybe because they are?

2007-11-05 11:15:48 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Workplace Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

Substance: Woman
Chemical system: Wo
manufacturer: God
Typical size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90-200 lbs.
Occurrence: large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface tension – soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure if applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known. (See HAZARDS #3).


COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

2007-11-05 11:10:45 · 26 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A visitor, returning to Iraq for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about five paces behind their husbands. She observed that the men now walked over twenty paces behind their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation. ‘What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?’

Follow down
















‘Land Mines.’ Replies the Iraq woman.

2007-11-05 11:05:23 · 11 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: BY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

2007-11-05 11:01:51 · 20 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (Don’t even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active, Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

2007-11-05 11:00:21 · 13 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A boyfriend and girlfriend were playing hid and seek in the garden. The girl says, ‘If you can find me, you can lick my f**ny and sh*g me up the a**e. If you can’t find me in the garden shed.

A teenage girl asks her mom, ‘Is it true babies come out of where boys put their p*nis?’ ‘Yes’ says mom. ‘F**kin hell’ says the girl ‘Won’t that break my jaw?’

2007-11-05 10:58:30 · 18 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

The little camel went to his mother and asked, ‘Mother, why do we have such big eyes?’ She looked on him lovingly and replied. ‘ You see, my son, when we are walking in the desert and the wind starts to blow and there’s sand everywhere, we need these eyes to keep and eye on one another so that we don’t get lost.’ ‘Oh!’ he said. ‘And why do we have such huge feet?’ ‘Well, they allow us to walk easily in the desert sands and help us avoid sinking in to the dunes,’ she said. ‘Wow.’ He said. ‘Great equipment, What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?’ ‘You see.’ His mother replied ‘We can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times, but why do you ask me all these obvious questions?’ ‘Well, Mother,’ Said the young camel, ‘I was just wondering, If we’ve got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in a zoo.

2007-11-05 10:57:23 · 18 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Forget world peace. Visualize using your indicators.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the government made so many of them.

If you Drink, Don’t Park – Accidents cause People.

Who Lit the Fuse on your Tampon?

If that Phone was up you’re A*se, maybe you could drive a little better.

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying ‘No Hard Feelings’

If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken …..Watch for Finger.

It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Bogey.

If You’re Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My A*se

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
Fight Crime – Shoot Back

Saw it……….Wanted it…………..Had a Tantrum………Got it!

Grow Your Own Dope – Plant a Man.

You Can’t Scare Me, I Have Children.

Posted these in the morning, some guys would be working or at school or where ever

2007-11-05 10:56:20 · 16 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to there . . . you know what I mean.

So I'm sitting in my room, killing time, with nothing to do, so I figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait; let me be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to dial 9 first, Sir."

2007-11-05 10:34:00 · 29 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

There is a contest this guy is having on a webite that i am a member. For the contest he asked three questions about a coin he discovered he had in his pocket when emptying his pocket. The questions are 1.) Value 2.) the year 3.) What makes the coin special or unique? The clues he gave so far are #1. Veteran's day is coming up, don't forget about Nov. 12th. Clue #2 This coin must have had a Red Bull to drink. Thank you

2007-11-05 10:14:48 · 1 answers · asked by John 3

yo mama lol the camera has to cost over 100$if you have the best yo mama joke and camera you will get 1o points pleae ad the web site not amazon real stores like best buy and stuff tyvm for participating if u are a good yo maam joke teller plzz awnser my friend just chjallenged me.

2007-11-05 10:09:55 · 23 answers · asked by raul u 3

There is a man in the waiting room who claims he is invisible

The doctor says"Tell him I can't see him right now"

2007-11-05 10:06:41 · 8 answers · asked by banjaxed 6

A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air and landing unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure.

In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"

please star if u laughed

2007-11-05 09:59:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

..she fell out of the tree :)

2007-11-05 09:46:55 · 10 answers · asked by Aloha Dre 3

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms !"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe !"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

2007-11-05 09:39:35 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were talking to each other and Sleeping Beauty said that she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Tom Thumb said that he is the smallest person in the world.

The Hunchback said that he is the ugliest person in the world.

Just to reconfirm their claims, they all decided to go to the Guinness Books of Records to check their status.

Sleeping Beauty came out of the Guinness Books of Records Office with a big grin on her face as she has been reconfirmed as the most beautiful woman in the world.

Tom Thumb came out of the Guinness Books of Records Office dancing a jig and whistling a tune as he is still the smallest person in the world.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame came out with a confused look on his face.

Sleeping Beauty and Tom Thumb were curious and asked the Hunchback what was wrong.

In a dejected and confused voice the Hunchback asked………………..

"Who the f### is Wayne Rooney ?"

2007-11-05 09:34:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.

Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.

The girl responds:

Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95

Volleyball Barbie: £19.95

Shopping Barbie: £19.95

Surfer Barbie: £19.95

Disco Barbie: £19.95

and Divorced Barbie: £299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbie's are £19.95?" Exasperated, the girl responds:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...

2007-11-05 09:31:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to the doctor's where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his board.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.

"Mrs Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you just told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

2007-11-05 09:26:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double,

a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night !

Went back to her house. she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...

'MUM....you awake?

2007-11-05 09:24:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that befo re."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

2007-11-05 09:17:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the Snail say when He climbed on the Turtle's back?

WEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Come on, did you smile?

2007-11-05 09:09:20 · 21 answers · asked by *DestinyPrince* 6

i do. i just love lighting them on fire or spaying cleaning products or pouring hot suace on them to make them burn. i also like putting a bloc of ice on them and freezing them. sometimes i try to drown them, or slowly cut them. udk why, but i feel i have a right to do it since they invaded my house. that ought to teach them to stay away. hehe, who else agrees with me?

2007-11-05 09:02:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

:)

2007-11-05 08:52:12 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."





On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.



"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."



She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."



To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****."

2007-11-05 08:37:22 · 35 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Answer: Because they arrrrrrrrrr!

2007-11-05 08:17:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little
girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain Sh*t in our garden!!"

2007-11-05 08:01:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his Dad giving his Mother one. His Dad just laughs at him and throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out"!
A little while later Johnny's Dad heres a comotion coming from Johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see him shag ging his Granny - Johnny just looks at him and says " not so fcuking funny when it's YOUR Mum is it?

2007-11-05 07:23:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous