OK, need a really funny joke to Cheer me up please?

Question

come on send me good joke, ive had really horrible weekend. so come on make me laugh.

Answer 1

Here's a few + 2 good you tube sites,,,enjoy

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice azs, sisters," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for!?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, azshole!"

Answer 2

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"



Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your a** before the day was over."

Answer 3

This deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms.
Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the shelves,
and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand what the man wants.
Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his cock on the counter, before placing a £5 note next to it.
Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same manoeuvres as the mute, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging his shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.’

Answer 4

Grandma's Idea
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!
So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt too long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."

Answer 5

The lookout goes running into the pirate captains cabin and says,"Sir, there's 1 enemy ship on the horizon" The captain says"Hand me my red shirt". After the ships have their battle, the lookout asks the captain why he wanted his red shirt,the capt. said" So if I was injured the men couldn't see me bleeding and would continue to fight hard".A couple of days later the lookout goes running into the captains cabin and says"Sir,there are 100 enemy ships on the horizon".The captain says"Hand me my brown pants".

Answer 6

What's Lassie's favorite vegetable?

Cauliflower.

Answer 7

How do you get virgin wool.
....
From an ugly sheep.

Lame joke :D

Answer 8

ok...there is this blonde and having sex and in the middle of the moment she asks the man.."do you have a.i.d.s.".he replies "NO! " and she says "good...i dont wanna get it again!!!"