The sick Lizard?

Question

I LAUGHED UNTIL I CRIED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad . Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want
them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded
her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad !" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . just . . excited," my wife
offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . .
that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny
little . . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ," he
told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!!!

Answer 1

LOL. that's what i thought at first: lizards lay eggs.

Answer 2

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Answer 3

Hi, The punch line was funny. I could also see your husband pulling on what he thought was a little foot.Lol Lol Lol
poppy1

Answer 4

I really got carried away by your story with all the exicitement and forget Lizard lay eggs. Damn.

Answer 5

Hear this one several times before, but I still can't stop laughing!!!! Star for you!!

Answer 6

Hahaha... That's really funny.
How can you not love your husband?

And yeah, lizard lay eggs! lol

Answer 7

what an experience indeed. and I truly praise your family the way you treat animals...long live pet lovers

Answer 8

Oh priceless!! very funny,

Answer 9

i could not stop laughing!! really lizards lay eggs...

Answer 10

freaking funny
but why is your avatar a girl?